DON'T ASK, DON'T GO!

NOW YOU CAN JUST TELL THAT GENERAL PACE'S WIFE IS A FAG-HAG. LOOK AT THAT PIXIE CUT AND HER SET OF PEARLS!



Gays in the military? Honey, gays in the MILLINERY, gays in the MONASTERY, these I understand. But why anyone would want to fight for their right to join the US military now is beyond me. "Let's go die for nothing! It's our right!" Of course gays deserve to fight if they want to, and there's a lot to be said of laying down your life for your country, but not when your country's engaged in futile missions like this war which Bush declared "won" in Iraq years ago. And when the US is sending it's troops out on extended tours of duty without sufficient recovery time between deployments and without the appropriate equipment? Randi Rhodes, The Goddess of Air America, had a funny, if grim, take on this. To paraphrase her words from a recent broadcast, "Yeah!" Without proper body armor and weapons, think how much lighter the soldiers will be while they're running away from the enemy!"

Randi also had a cute take on General Pace's recent denouncement of homosexuality as immoral--"Abu Ghraib, that's immoral. Not Will and Grace re-runs! Not a revival of South Pacific!" Like we need a morality lesson from a career killer, even if Pace is the top career killer in the nation. He's so boyish-looking--might there be a little stifled queerness in this former pretty boy? The stifled type is often our loudest detractors. To Pace, this pillar of the community, gays are right up there with...gasp...adulterers. Are adulterers rooted out with a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy like the gays are? Randi suggested that they interview disgraced preacher Ted Haggard on the matter, since he fits into both fag and adulterer categories! (In case you forgot, Ted's meth-fueled trysts with a hustler occured while he was married. To a woman. Well, I think she was a real woman...)

Gays, the military doesn't want us. Fine with me! I didn't think I'd look too hot in Klinger drag anyway. But we've got a free pass to bypass senseless bloodshed. Whoopee! We'll need you for more important battles later on so Just be a sissy and hush up now! I know that Lance Bass's husband Reichen Lemkuhl advocates our right to fight. He is SO damned sexy that I always end up thinking "Please let him have a tiny penis--he's too fucking gorgeous to be blessed with that fine face, foine physique and a big dick, too!" But sexy Reich-iepoo, no one wants to join the military anymore to fight this empty battle. CNN reported today that in previous wartimes, 1 in 4 households contained someone who was serving. Today, you'd have to knock on 200 doors before you found a household with a man or woman serving. Or one that will buy my inexpensive, hard-working Amway home producs. Sorry, momentary flashback. It's gone.

KLINGER FROM THE HIT TV SERIES, M.A.S.H.



According to CNN today, the US forces have begun posting combat video from Iraq on youtube to attract much-needed recruits, cuz that's where you'll reach the younger set. (Why don't we also develop some anti-muslim--oops, I meant terrorist--video games while we're at it, since that's the only thing today's obese, ADD-riddled brats can focus on!) I guess they've already run through the overaged, mentally-handicapped and criminal recruits, plus the ones recruiters relaxed the GED and drug tests to enable them to bypass traditional sign-up guidelines. Jesus! Can the majority of the enlisted really be as ignorant as their leader, General Pace? I mean, military officials have sounded off about the presence of homos in the military undermining troops morale and distracting troops' focus--to which some talking heads countered by recalling that the same "morale loss" argument was used to keep blacks and women out of the forces years ago. Now, men and women even bunk together. If you're so fucking straight, isn't a live-if-battle-scarred vagina pulsating in the same room with you going to be a little more distracting than a few fags? The straight guys could even get off on the gays' Cher, Madonna and Beyonce pin-ups! (OK, so those first two divas may be a little old to jerk off to.) Besides, instead of worrying that a gay wouldn't have your "back" (pun intended), shouldn't you be a little more nervous, in a life or death combat situation, of an old-timer fumbling for their glasses, a retard shooting in the wrong direction, a fatally dim, poor choice made by someone who didn't graduate from high school, or a drug addict/criminal jonesing, nodding out on duty, or stealing your shit back at the barracks to trade for Vicodin? C'mon! Just think how the fags could spruce up those dingy barracks right up with some fag-nificently draped curtains!

Back to posting battle scenes on youtube: what kind of sadistic freak would this appeal to? The kind of soldier who just went down for raping a 14 year old INNOCENT Iraqi girl and then killing her family while his buddies looked on/helped? Oh, the gang rape and murder occured after they got drunk and hit a few golf balls. Now, isn't THAT a real morale-booster, for ya? You're really sad if footage of death and destruction makes you wanna leave your family and friends so that you can cast yourself in one of these internet clips. I know that straight guys like to be manly and like other species of mammals, like to hurt people to assert their superiority. It's the same factor that draws men to cool weapons and action movies. Not that this was a scientific experiment, but I recently saw two kids, a girl and a boy, walking with their folks. Both brats were having a blast while entertaining themselves. The girl was skipping along with a sweet smile. And the boy? He had his face clenched in battle mode while punching away an imaginary sparring partner. Both kids' behavior was totally natural. And this manly aggression should be harnessed in some way--may I suggest having them aggressively pummelling my fake cunt? At least it's safer (with a condom) than drafting them into a faraway, unwinnable occupation of a war from which they return mentally and/or physically scarred. If they return at all!

And when they do return? Do we "support" the troops then? Not if you believe the ghastly reports from the Walter Reade medical center. Their prices are ridiculous! Oh, wait! That was Duane Reade. Walter Reade Hospital is where they "support" our wounded with deluxe indefinite stays in feces-filled, vermin-infested, moldy rooms like the one I inhabit--I mean, that aren't fit for a homeless person. (Aren't many homeless people veterans? Or are those crude, hand-painted signs a lie? I want my quarter back!) Veteran's groups have been crying out against unfair cuts in their treatment since Bush took office (and before), but we rarely ever hear from the veterans. Why should mainstream news, which is largely run by conservative interests which back the Bush agenda, allow the woeful tales of disgruntled vets to get on air an shock everyone out of their complacency? And like our kids who we give poorer and poorer educations to, the vets can't pay lobbyists to push their agenda in Washington. And we don't need their service anymore because they're too infirm or too old to fight. Well, maybe not nowadays.

The contract with our military is that if they're brave enough to physically defend our nation, then the government will take care of them if wounded. Walter Reade Hospital is supposed to be the shining example of military care centers! I realize that the major grievances were contained in one building, but now other cities have piped up with their own horror stories. Randi told the heart-breaking tale of a leg-less Iraq war veteran who was visited by a social worker before an awards dinner who asked him "What will you be wearing?" and I said, "A 3XXX lacy teddy with fisnets, tiger!" Sorry, I thought got sidetracked for a sec--the vet told them that he'd be wearing shorts, which his social worker didn't like one bit. "It's all I have", the vet explained. When the ex-soldier showed up at the dinner at which he was to be honored, his name wasn't on the list! You wouldn't want a nasty old cripple spoiling the photo-ops, would you? How cruel and heartless is that? You don't have to dig far to find similar horror stories. This administration has consistently limited the press from broacasting images of the dead and wounded, even in their coffins. Is that supporting them? Baby, it ain't even REMEMBERING them! Again, bless Randi Rhodes for uncovering stories like these, and the one about how the government doesn't even ship the bodies to the families homes, only to nearby big cities.

A large portion of today's enlisted are from smaller towns and cities. They're the only ones left whose attitudes are so backward that they actually feel their sense of duty extends to dying in Iraq to line the coffers of the Bush crime family and associates. A friend told me that joing he military was one major way that kids pay for college. I'd heard that tuitions were soaring, but sheesh, what a price to pay. College tuiton costs an arm and a leg--literally! I guess these small-town folks are more traditional, and they're dads' might have served, so it's tough to break that macho code of serving our country out of duty and honor. But there's no honor in our country's foreign policy. 80% of us don't back this crazy war. We think the war is unwinnable, and the press is still hesitating to use words like "civil war" to describe the conditions on the ground in Iraq. But the war isn't to be slammed because we now see that the growing daily death tolls finally took root in our collective unconsciousness or because the fight's unwinnable. That's chicken, and totally contradicts the macho, competitive psyche! We failed! The baddest superpower with the coolest weapons that can't even lick a dusty desert nation of nomadic tribes, in a longer period than it took to fight World War 2!

No, this war is to be denounced because it's immoral. Hear that, General Pace? I know it's a little odd for you to receive a morality lesson from cock-sucking transvestite, but things are so topsy-turvy that it might just make sense. The war is wrong because it's based on lies. We were tricked into it with trumped-up evidence like the forged yellowcake sale receipt which is at the heart of the Valerie Plame scandal. (Randi pointed out the inherent fallacy of the forged evience's existing--Saddam's buying a deadly nuke ingredient on the international black market in a top-secret deal and he asks for a fucking receipt? Yeah, those really exist like Whitney's crack receipts!?) As skillfully as a major, well-rehearsed ad campaign tugs on just the right instincts to program our shopping sprees, an elaborate campaign of deception including the yellowcake "evidence" of Saddam's imaginary WWD's was engineered to tug at our grief-stricken heart strings after the gut-wrenching tragedy of 9/11. Even if you supported the war at first, and the WMDs and ridding the world of boogieman Saddam were our reasons for attacking, why are we there NOW??? No WMDs were found and Saddam's dead. So what's our mission? Perpetual war to so that Halliburton and the rest of the war industry can profit off the contaminated food and water serve to the troops that they overbill the US government (ie: themselves, ie: our tax dollars) for? Or do they simply want to control Iraq's oil, the second largest reserve in the world? In either case, the soldiers, far from being supported, are clueless pawns paying the ultimate in the government's game of greed.

There's no honor in that. There's no honor in blindly fighting for an administration which ignored it's own military experts' warnings of the impending civil war which would explode if Iraq was attacked. Or for an adminstration which fired General Shinseki for claiming that we weren't sending in enough troops to even win if we wanted to. Because we don't want to "win". We don't want to spread democracy to the region. We want to spread instability, and establish a military base in the Middle East for future attacks against Iran, Syria or it's neighbors. Even Rumsfeld, in his resignation letter, called for a reduction (by 1/2, I think) in the number of buildings which were under construction in Iraq. Do you overbuild when you're planning to leave? I don't think so. And how can we continue to imagine that an administration with no exit strategy, an essential component to any honest, non-delusional combat mission whose aim was victory. The goal isn't victory.

And so General Pace will take the time out of executing the failed, never intended to win, dishonest marching orders of the Bush and Cheney--neither of whom even served--to bash gays as immoral. Help me understand why gays or anyone else with a mind would rush to defend their right to join Bush's greed-fuelled terror machine. Help me understand why this christian nation forgot about it's own commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill. Help me understand why there is anyone who does not realize, at this point, that supporting our troops is keeping them at home.

I'm a confirmed peace-nik who would probably find fault with any war, but I'm not saying that we shouldn't have an armed forces to protect the land when needed. I think some sort of attack on Afghanistan was justified after 9/11. But that macho psyche also has a protective side as well as it's competitve/destructive side which can be harnessed for our safety. It's just that now--and this is not a plug for Hillary--after 1 1/2 terms of an ignorant, deceiptful, pig-headed bully, the world really needs a massive jolt of feminine energy which is intuitive, forgiving, diplomatic, understanding, and conciliatory. I'm generally not this New Age-y, but don't you think the universe is literally reeling from these bullies' wargames? I realize that this is ridiculous to suggest, but somehow we've got to wake up and own what we've allowed to happen. How can we fix it when we're still marching around with our chests puffed out unable to see, much less admit, how deeply wrong we've been? And if we don't know or don't care to even acquaint ourselves with the facts, how dare we mindlessly bray "Support the troops!" as they're sent to die for a war the county's now against? If democracy is government by the people, then we're all at fault and deserve a reprimand as much as Bush deserve's his fucking impeachment. I'm guilty, too. I haven't done enough. I haven't emailed my senators/repesentatives once this year. Have you? I'm going to, as soon as I finish typing this. Shit! Amercian idol just came on and I've gotta see Miss Lakesha! Maybe later. Haven't we all waited long enough? Hadn't we better get a grip on what's really happening and if we are such a caring nation, do what we can to rectify it?

AIR AMERICA TALK SHOW HOST RANDI RHODES 3-6 MONDAY-FRIDAY



I'll tell you an easy and really fun way to start. Give Randi Rhodes a listen on weekdays from 3-6 Eastern on Air America Radio. If your area doesn't transmit it, you can listen online at AIRAMERICA.COM. I've never pumped my fist in the air to any other talk radio host. She may start off her program with borscht-belt shtick, like today's homage to 1960's chanteuse Rusty Warren's silly BOUNCE YOUR BOOBIES, but that's just to lure you into commentary so thorough and so biting that she makes Keith Olberman seem content. She picks republicans bones clean, and don't think she shies away from any democrat who's bullshit either. Though formerly in the military, she's admittedly a liberal left-winger, but did you hear about the NO GUEST LIST TONIGHT cripple story from anyone else? Doesn't that one even make a republican's toes curl with indignation? And with the rest of the news so biased, it's wonderful to hear a strong, unabashed liberal viewpoint for a change. If you're busy from 3-6 then I also recommend Sam Seder from 10Am-noon and Rachel Maddow evening 6-8. I know what you're thinking, and I wasn't a talk radio fan ever before Air America. PLEASE give Randi or one of the other hosts a try and I know you'll thank me. During her Walter Reade week, I've never heard so many grown men cry. Well, except maybe at my last show when they were informed of the no refund policy.

To wrap up, my uncle served in Vietnam. Though he's kinda country, from one of those smaller cities that recruits often come from, the sweet man has never had a problem accepting my sexuality. (Especially when I'm blowing him!) He's a well-liked rural postman with two lovely daughters who's quick with a smile and a salty joke. Mom says she often hears the ice cubes of a cocktail's ice cubes tinkling in the background of their more and more frequent and tearful conversations. Mom says he feels so terrible about his service in Vietnam, the war which the US public opinion turned on while in progress, that Iraq's has sufficiently upset him to the point that he drove from North Carolina to New Orleans to help with the relief effort. To ease his conscience. That's a man at his best, for you. I burst into tears when mom told me about this, because I wished that he and I were closer so we could chat more freely, and I could urge him to channel his energies into denouncing this war from a veteran's point of view. But it's not easy to break that macho code. His country needed him. His daddy had served, too. He made it back. But how deep emotional are his invisible scars?

WE NEED MORE OF OUR WOMEN TO HAVE BIGGER BALLS, RIGHT?




I want to REALLY support our troops. I don't want another generation to end up with scars like my uncle's. Fags, drags, dykes, hags, sex changes, genetic females and even metrosexuals, let's bat our long, curly lashes simultaneously and create a shift in the universe with a calming burst of femininity. Laugh at how hippy-dippy this sounds if you like, but those troops need a dose of cosmic femme power now--your voice of understanding has sat shell-shocked and dormant for long enough. No more waiting for permission or some cue to speak up. No more thinking your voices don't deserve to be heard when you know who is usually right in most every other matter! I declayah, those silly ol' menfolk have gone off and gotten it into their thick skulls that they're protectin' us again, and we gotta go set 'em straight before they go gettin' theyselves kilt! What's that? Some nonsense about a troop surge? Honey, if you possess the power of reason and have some softness in your heart--not just some empty "Support the troops!" slogan swirling in your pretty little head to the exclusion of everything else, now's the time to actively promote communication, nurturing and healing amongst our rough and tumble protectors--be they male or female, gay or straight. Besides, you nutty fags, what if all of our butch guys are bundled off to Iraq and get killed? Trust me, we'll be truly miserable if all that's left in the gay community are big ol' bottoms! Now, really! Even if you disagree with everything I've said, you still want your nelly ass fucked regularly, don't you? And I don't mean "fucked over" by Bush and this insane war!


Queens, faggots and bitches, I hereby challenge you to make this shift. You may be the only ones who can! And before you laugh, the shift's already happening. Feel that Nancy Pelosi at work, maybe? She's so charming, feminine and gracious, but stands so firm on what she believes. I know there are so many more of her out there. So let's do it, girls!