TUBBY TYRA?

I'm so suspicious these days that I always try to look behind the stories, especially when celebrities with products to promote are involved. Of course the whole Miss USA/cocaine/Trump vs Rosie thing was manufactured to publicize Trump's ailing pageant, his TV show's new season and The View. So someone took unflattering pix of Tyra in a bathing suit with thunder thighs. In retaliation, the talk-show host appears in the same swimsuit on her show to prove that she's not ashamed of gaining weight now that she's retired from modelling. And she gets a People cover. Cue all the positive body image stuff which women probaby do need to be reminded of to counteract the message constantly sent by insanely thin runway models and celebs like Nicole Ritchie who're known for nothing except their anorexia. Sheesh! All the girl's got going for her is her weight--and she's losing it!

TYRA'S REAL HAIR: WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?



Kudos to Tyra for saying there's no shame in putting on a few pounds and not being so weight-obsessed. I also give her points for dressing in that fat suit to show the hatred the obese experience. A plus-sized drag queen like me is certainly not going to cast a stone at someone for being overweight OR for wearing wigs. My problem with this is that Tyra must be behind this mock scandal. In addition to packing on the pounds, she's also known for wearing lace front wigs. And very well-done lace front wigs they are, too. But I wear wigs for a living, and honey trust me, NO ONE glues on a lace front wig with sticky, smelly spirit gum and hits a warm beach to engage in any kind of physical activity whatsoever, unless it's for a planned photo shoot. If she does, I would say that her satisfaction with her curvier shape is healthy--now work on why you refuse to appear without straight, blonde hair which does not sprout from the head of women of your race. God, I sound as preachy as Lauryn Hill in (DOO WOP) THAT THING now! I love lace front wigs and RuPaul looks incredible in a long blonde locks, and if it suits your image of who you wanna be, then crazy glue hot dogs to each fingernail and wear blackface for all I care! I'm just saying that if Tyra is able to send the valuable message to women that it's ok to be shaped like a curvacious, hippy real woman and not a boyish runway twig, then it seems like she should be able to deal with the fact that she has nappy, black hair and a forehead big enough to land a plane on. But she's definitely had her nose chopped off, too. So I wonder if she feels, perhaps correctly, that she won't have mass appeal if she's "too black". Or maybe she's just a pinhead who needs a big head of artificial hair to feel like a babe. With my large head, I'm the opposite, but I certainly understand the idea of wanting a big head of hair to feel like a babe. Or should that read "like Babe, the animated cartoon pig?" OINK! I don't watch her shows, but I think she should realize by now that her engaging (if shallow), drag queen-y personality is what's driving her talk show's popularity--not just her looks.

On one hand, I of all people understand the need for artifice. Boy, do I ever! I'm not going to stand up as a proud coffee drinker and refuse to bleach my stained teeth. Or hide the fact that I do. But everyone is so cookie cutter and sterile now--even the primped, plucked and shaved and anally worked out gay porn stars--I can't even imagine their cocks even having a smell! (Well, apart from their partner's shit and if they're any good, blood.) I despise that Ryan Seacrest because though nice-looking, he's the epitome of this sterilization factor. Since when did zero personality/originality equal desirable? You rarely see a female infotainment show presenter--or hell, even newscaster these days--who doesn't have a nose job, bleached blonde hair and super-white teeth. Maybe that's ok for superficial TV presenters whose appeal is based on their looks and only have to be as talented as a Vanna White. But I know an actress whose mom is a legendary TV star and whose dad is a powerful Hollywood producer. After unsuccessfully auditioning with no luck for ages, she asked daddy to make a few inquiries as to why she wasn't making the grade. He made a few calls and it was determined that her boobs weren't big enough to make the cup--I mean cut. It's awful to think that you shouldn't even attempt an acting or singing career unless you fit the mold, regardless of your talent. Had that always been the case, we wouldn't be enjoying the music of big gal ReRe Franklin or the acting of the odd-looking Meryl Streep. I understand that heavily-scrutinized stars require professional tweaking to look their best for as long as they can. But with girls who aren't even in show biz getting nose and boob jobs as high school graduation presents, isn't this all a bit much? Am I way off base or does this seem a little extreme to anyone else?

PS: A portion of the proceeds of every sale of a LADY BUNNY: RATED X FOR XTRA-RETARDED dvd goes towards my own nose job fund. I'm trying to save enough to get it whittled down to a Barbara Eden or Zsa Zsa Gabor. So far I'm at about a Jimmy Durante. So please help! I mean, right after you've donated to moveon.org and advertised on AIR AMERICA, that is.

UPDATE: I STAND CORRECTED! As a commenter pointed out, Tyra WAS posing for a shoot on the beach and that's why she had her wig on. I do not watch her show, but from all the reports on I watched or read, it seemed that the photographer had caught her off guard while off duty. That doesn't negate all the elements of my "Tyrade", but I am plainly wrong on that one point and so this probably was not a manufactured scandal which Tyra was behind with her big behind. I welcome disagreements and corrections!