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STUCK ON YOU
Wow! Faggotry never ceases to amaze me. According to a pal who recently moved to LA, there's a sharply increasing new trend among LA gays looking for online hook-ups: a little shooting up before they shoot. I guess they're injecting speed, adding a little H to tha IV drug use scene. Whoo hoo! It ain't a party til the syringes come out! Even though some of the guys have "no PNP" (party and play) listed in their profiles, after bringing up partying, they then drop the hint by inquiring if their prospective e-suitor is "on point". And they don't mean physically fit! As much as I like to have things stuck inside me, a needle ain't one of them. Well, maybe with a condom on the needle it's safer.
DIANA ROSS IN JAIL
From SNL starring Maya Rudolph!
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
CLICK ON PIC TO ENLARGE IF YOU'RE BLIND LIKE ME! 
MADAME APPEARING IN NYC!
The potty-mouth puppet's set to rule DON'TTELLMAMA with her new handler, Joe Kovacs, every Monday at 8:00 in January. Check the site for more reservations/details.
UNDER THE PINK CARPET
LADY CLOVER HONEY This gracious lady was kin enough to interview me for her long-running cable TV show UNDER THE PINK CARPET. The capret was heavy and being underneath it our speech during the interview is a little garbled. Get it? I pretended like she was interviewing me from underneath a pink carpet. Ha ha! Expect more gems of this calibre during the interview! Also features tons more performers, and Ken Bullock as hillbilly supermodel Ragu Mountain Woman was worth tuning into for alone! RAGU MOUNTAIN WOMAN  Here's the details: Our episode opens with a bash as we bring you inside one of New York’s hottest celebrity birthday parities. Tony Sawicki and Clover Honey are the special guests of Randy Jones, the original Cowboy for The Village People, who celebrated both his birthday and new CD release with a wild Manhattan soiree! The celebrity studded extravaganza was attended by the glitterati of NYC at the famous Gypsy Tea nightclub in Chelsea. Tony and Clover tour the crowd and interview the “beautiful people,” including sizzling underwear model, television personality, and former Mr. Teen New Jersey Keith Collins, Keith’s fiance Jill Michele Melean of Reno 911 and MAD TV, former Dell Computer TV pitchman Ben Curtis, actor Nathan Lee Graham (who starred in Sweet Home Alabama and Zoolander), and Jackie Lee Smith of the Ritchie Family. Our party segment wraps as Tony and Clover Honey get fresh with red hot Playgirl Magazine centerfold, Danny Lopes! Next, correspondent Stephanie Butler visits Chelsea Studios and attends the rehearsal of New York’s hottest new dance company, the MENhattans, as they prepare for their Carnegie Hall debut at a New York City Gay Men’s Chorus concert. The MENhattans are an all-male precision chorus line created by famous Broadway Choreographer and Radio City Rockette, Ann Cooley-Presley. Stephanie interviews Ann and three of her spirited, charming, and very sexy dancers. Stephanie asks, “Is New York ready for an all-Male version of The Rockettes?” The answer is “YES!” Then, correspondent Robin Cloud attends the sizzling anniversary celebration for Go NYC magazine at Crobar nightclub in NYC’s Chelsea district. Robin parties with hundreds of women, including “Celesbians” (Celebrity Lesbians) Jackie Warner from Bravo TV’s Work Out, Michelle Wolf from Here! TV’s Dante’s Cove, the beautiful Kim Stolz from America’s Next Top Model, and UPC’s first lesbian correspondent Michele Balan, now a star on NBC’s Last Comic Standing. Go NYC is a listings and entertainment magazine that promotes and celebrates NYC Lesbian life, and their anniversary party is one of the most anticipated annual events in Lesbian culture – we take you inside and behind the scenes! Finally, Tony Sawicki and Clover Honey attend the premiere of LOL (Laugh OUT Loud), a Comedy showcase at Comix Comedy club in the “Meatpacking District” of Manhattan. Here, we conduct exclusive interviews with legendary Drag Icon Lady Bunny of Wigstock fame, and comedian/broadcast personality/author Frank DeCaro currently of Sirius Satellite Radio. Also, we present some of the queerest, edgiest, and funniest highlights from the show, which included The Dueling Bankheads, Julie Goldman, Gay Gangsta Rapper Mint Tea, Brenda Bergman and The Bodacious Tatas, Mike Albo, and others. The next new episode (#406) of Under the Pink Carpet will be broadcast on: Thurs., January 11 at 10:30 PM on Time Warner Manhattan Cable Channel 34 in New York City. Fri., January 12 at 9 PM on WYBE PBS TV analog Channel 35, digital Channel 34 in the Greater Philadelphia / South Jersey / Delaware Valley area. Sunday, January 21 at 11 PM on KBDI PBS TV on Channel 12 in the Greater Denver Colorado area. Check January listings for Out TV cable network in Canada and Australia and FSTV (Free Speech TV) Dish Satellite network. Under the Pink Carpet, (Episode #406) hosted from XES Lounge (157 West 24th Street, Chelsea-New York City.)
TRANNY MCGUYVER
Tranny McGuyver is a comedy conceived by Willam Belli (best known as Cherry Peck on Nip/Tuck) & Patty Wortham. Imagine the writer of Police Academy got sexually assaulted/donkey punched until he wrote a 6 foot drag queen into his script and you've got this show. Willam Belli fills out a lady's cop jumpsuit and bravely takes on the ingenue role despite his lifelong cross to bear known as his penis.
ZSA ZSA SINGS!
 An insane little ditty called HIGH-HEELED SNEAKERS. I have no idea what this song is about or what she's saying. "I have to put my vig (wig) hat on?" At the end, she says she needs some boxing gloves in case some fool wants to fight. I need a Zsa Zsa expert now! On a rare Carol Channing comedy album which was recorded live a little later than this clip was filmed, Carol mentions that the Gabor sisters are in the audience, and that they are her secret weapon for a successful comedy act, since they will go and hit anyone who doesn't laugh.  We've all heard about Zsa Zsa's cop-slapping incident in 1989 and ensuing court-room drama. She smacked a cop who pulled her and she was found to have a flask. The handsome cop went on to become an actor and the whole thing seemed a little staged. Could hitting people be a 1960's trademark which she revived in the 80's to grab headlines? (It worked.)
R.I.P. JAMES BOWN
 There's a fun obit on HUFFPO with some great vintage video clips of the Godfather of Soul. Also, some gerat comments which follow the obit. one recounting how James appeared on TV in Boston to stop a brewing race riot. What a force! He posed on the cover of one album called IT'S A NEW DAY SO LET A MAN COME IN AND DO THE POPCORN with 3 young ladies who had a lasting impression of my drag look--one had a pouffy bouff-la-bob do, another was in an asymetrical mini mumu with one bell sleeve (which I've had in every color), and a third wore sandals with lace-up ties to above the knee, another faavoritr of mine. This must have been an import lp since I can't find this after googling for hours. Does anyone know this album cover? I just love the insanity of that title. IT'S A NEW DAY SO LET A MAN COME IN AND DO THE POPCORN. So a man can't do the popcorn (a popular dance) until it's a new day? Can a woman still do the popcorn after the new day? Can a man stay out and do the popcorn before someone let's him come in and do it? The mind boggles. Here's an article about the evolution of tht popcorn, which icluded titles like Mother Popcorn, Low Down Popcorn and Mashed Potato Popcorn: WFMU.ORGIT'S A NEW DAY SO LET A MAN COME IN AND DO THE POPCORN LYRICS Hey you all look out let a man come in I got to have fun I'm gonna do my thing Way over yonder can you dig that mess The sister standing out there dressed up In a brand new mini dress Look hey over there do you see that boy playing that horn And dig that soul brother look at him doing the popcorn Hey everybody I got a brand new start Hey, hey everybody I got a brand new start I ain't gonna hurt nobody I just, I just I just wanna help my heart Gonna have a ball sure as you're born Gonna have a ball sure as you're born I'm gonna dance, dance, dance do the popcorn Hey look a there hey look a there Do you see what I see Everybody doing the popcorn but me Get back over there with your mini dress Look out good mama I gotta do my best Hey over there hey over there look a here A look a here I got the best band in the land I just gotta jump back take my stand I want to ask the fellows don't have no doubt I just got to lay to lay it right out
OUT IN NYC TONIGHT?
Already sick of the family? Or are they alreay sick of your ass? At SBNY tonight, I'll be spinning2-4-1 with disco classics from 7-11. Expect to hear Charo's MAMACITA, DONDE ESTA SANTA CLAUS and The Weather Girls' BRING ME A MAN FOR CHRISTMAS. Also spinning (out of control) is the demented Bianca Del Rio, who was washed up here by Katrina and she finally got a gig. She infomed me when we met that she doesn't drink--well, just shots. And plenty of 'em.That thing is a hoot! So check us out if you're out and about. We take a week off for NYE and are back in action on a weekly basis on 1/7. 
THE OJ SIMPSONS: IF I DID IT
A PACKAGE TOO BIG TO UNWRAP?
 Well, almost! I was recently contacted by the exotic Mukthar Safarov, a half Russian and half Brazilian porn star living in London. Naturally, when I looked up his profile after his friend request, the 9" x 9" caught my eye and it led to the following goodnatured holday e-chat. Bunny: 9x9? What a coincidence! That's the same size as my mouth! Mukhtar: lol...i finally found a match. Bunny: Yeah, too bad my cunt's 12x12! Mukhtar: Yes, sure. And George Michael is my father...BLA BLA BLA Wow! An international hunk with a sense of humor? So I googled him and it led to his official site. Check out the PORTFOLIO section for some jawdropping pix of his jawbreaker. Prepare yourselves, dearies.
GIFT IDEA FOR YOUNG CLOSET CASES
DUKE RAPE UPDATE
The black female stripper who accused 3 Duke U lacrosse players of rape has lost on the top charge because she can't recall actual penetration into her vagina. Was this because of the presence of the alcohol and drugs in her system which caused her to pass out after her initial statement? I mean, how could you not remember three horny young athletes penetrating you?" "They were white!" I'm sorry. I know that rape is never funny. Unless you're raped by a clown, that is. If you don't believe me, just ask David Gest. But the three Durham academics may still may be found guilty of sexual offense and kidnapping."Oh yeah! That's right. We hired a stripper when fucked up. We kidnapped her and committed a sexual offense, but we didn't rape her." Not in her pussy. The ol' Bill Clinton defense. But they may have forced her to blow them. Does anyone have their number? Two separate DNA testings showed no match, though the (now pregnant) girl's underwear contained several other men's DNA. Does DNA come out in the wash? If not, I may have several hundreds of men's DNA deposits lodged turdside in my Depends TM. She also gave a dozen different versions of her story to authorities and could not pick her attackers/employers out of a line-up. She apparently ID'ed one of the pics shown of a guy with facial hair as one of her assailants. Well, what if he had just finished rimming her and the coke loosened her bowels (I'm told that this happens) enough to where she shat diarrhea in a goatee-like pattern on his face? Just call me Super Sleuth, folks! What a weird case! A CNN commentator speculated that a local black official pressed the case forward with lnsufficient evidence in an attempt to win votes in an upcoming election. It's hard for me to celebrate Christ's birthday with such a dark cloud over my birth state. Not that I meant to link my humble birth to The Savior's in the same sentence. No his birth wasn't humble. Mine was. Wait, he was born in a mangy ol' manger. WHAT DO YOU THINK? (Besides Bunny is really off her gourd today?)
SANTA "CAME" EARLY
 You post-gays may have to "pray this one off", but WWW.QUEERCLICK.COM posted a suite of delectable Xmas cumshots of hunkalicious "Ramon" which I thought you might enjoy. I'm in holiday heaven! This site is a scandal--which also features a more recent entry on a straight boy humiliated (by showing his hairy, spreadeagled asshole to girls) FOR MONEY! Oh dear! The poor thing probably needed extra money for Xmas presents.
ELVIRA'S XMAS CARD
What a whore! 
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
TRADITIONAL 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle And don't forget the ever popular 10. Nymphomaniac--O Cum, All Ye Faithful 
FUNNIEST INVITE AWARD GOES TO:
 TONIGHT (FRIDAY) Celebrate the end of Chanukkah with two nice jewish girls, your hostesses: LADYFAG and AIMEE PHILLIPS with DJ Sammy Jo MR. BLACK 643 Broadway at Bleecker 10PM-6AM
MARY CHENEY'S IMMACULATE CONCEPTION
Ha! Cowboy hats off to the folks in Austin, Texas who created this joyous nativity scene of republican dyke Mary Cheney in a nativity scene with her lover and rotten father, our vice president, who by lobbying so successfully against gay marriage ensured that his grandchild will take after him--BY BEING A BASTARD!  ARTICLE: AUSTINCHRONICLE.COM(I don't know if it's my ailing computer, but I couldn't log onto the article. I'm hoping that the site's been overloaded with merry-makers making merry of Mary with some Christmas jeer. May her devil's spawn inherit granny Lynne Cheney's chihuahua bug-eyes and grandaddy's toad-face!)
THE OTHER 7 REINDEER WERE WAITING IN LINE
PAUL LYNDE: TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
 The hilariously bitter, faggy comic recites this Christmas favorite--but don't wait for a punchline. There ain't none! He does it "straight"! I must say his delivery is compelling, but his pronunciation of dash (daysh) drives me out of my mind. Also featured: Anne Meara and BEWITCHED's Alice Ghostley!
EARTHA'S SANTA BABY
SMOULDER, BITCH!  I'm not going to get into another anti-Madonna rant, but I did manage to catch one of her numbers from her latest concert (by accident) on Bravo the other night. I didn't know the song, but I swear, without the set and lights, her blah delievery would never get my vote at an amateur night. Of course, Clay Aiken's Christmas special followed, which made her look a lot better. Then someone sent me Eartha Kitt's SANTA BABY, which Madonna once had the nerve to cover (along with Rose Royce's LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE), and honey, there is nothing like Eartha's kittenish original. Or if there is I wanna see it. I've always found Eartha to be sensational in every way. Here she's dressed in only white pumps and a white fur stole! I believe she originated this little number. I always think of her as sexy, but if you really pick her features apart, she's very elfin, and with that square jaw, little make-up and Al Sharpton's current hairdo she resembles a young James Brown in drag. Who cares? She's still totally bewitching. AS CATWOMAN ON BATMAN: NOT OF THIS EARTHA! 
THE CAKE
I'd never heard of this psychedlic-pop trio until someone sent me a link of this insane performance from The Smothers Brothers. The two girls on one side are really groovin' but the Penelope Tree look-a-like on the left stands totally still throughout the nuber as if she's petrified from a bad acid trip. Or several. I also found their cover of MOCKINGBIRD, which James Taylor popularized later on. Miss Penelope still isn't moving, but at least they stuck her in the middle so it looks a little more natural. And the other two are essentially moonwalking--until their feet were shown I thought the stage was revolving.
FIST ME THIS CHRISTMAS
A delightful ditty in 4-part harmony by the Wet Spots, pictured, who think of fisting at around the hole-ydays. Well, duh! Like who doesn't? As if I ever stop during the rest of the year!  WETSPOTSMUSIC.COM
FEMALE VS SHEMALE
I am juvenile enough to enjoy taking this silly test, so maybe you are too!
THE WORST BURGLAR EVER!
I hope this thing was drunk! If you like cheap "falling down" laughs, this is your video! And here's a comment from my myspace friend Shaun about the burlaring star of the above short: probably related to the woman that I saw a while back at one of those larger suburban grocery stores we have back in Colorado. I was in the checkout line with a few other folks and she was making her way to the exit looking a little craked out and wearing a long wool coat. As she got to that wide open space between the aisles and the registers, a huge, I mean HUGE, ham falls out from the bottom of her coat, hits the floor and rolls about twenty feet. silence. blanks stares. The woman stands there for a moment and then YELLS in her most indignant voice, "WHO THREW DAT HAM AT ME!?! I almost peed.
FANTASTIC VAN SMITH OBIT
 Van Smith never won an Oscar. He was never idolized or celebrated by a vehement genre audience like Dick Smith or Tom Savini. If his chief collaborator, cinematic genius John Waters, was the ‘Pope of Puke’, Smith was his primary prophet, a pure fashion forecaster who violated the mandates of style while creating his own kitsch couture along the way. Noted for finding the ugly underneath the beautiful, and more importantly, the glamour inside the gross, the mad make-up artist/costumer designer is more famous for taking the simple drag queen elements of one Harris Glen Milstead – a.k.a. Divine – and twisting them into pop culture iconography. Through a combination of scars, blackheads, pimples and other occlusions, Smith stood fearless in the face of misunderstanding mockery. Years later, when his approach was stolen outright for the catwalks of Paris and Milan, he and his friends in Waters’ Dreamland Studios had that long awaited, hard last laugh. READ THE REST: THE-FRONT-PAGE
LUCKY BITCHES
A zany skit based on Joan and Jackie Collins, as played by French and Saunders.
SEE LAURA BUSH'S REMOVED CANCER
US'S BIGGEST CASH CROP IS WEED!
LYPSINKA ON BARBARA PAYTON
 In her male ego John Epperson, the Lyp dissects the autobigraphy of actress turned hooker Barbara Payton for Nerve.com. Here's one of Barb's saucy barbs: "Show me a producer or a casting agent — male — who won't succumb in some way to overtures like flirting or flattery and I'll show you a fag."
WHY SANTA MAY NOT ANSWER YOUR LETTER
LAWANDA'S PREACHIN'
 Fish-eyed fools! Click here to listen to an audio clip of this insane comedy album by the one and only Lawanda Page.
PAUL LYNDE MEETS WITCHIEPOO AND MARGARET HAMILTON
DRAG SHOES ONLINE
I was so bitter when I last visited Frederick's of Hollywood's boutique in LA an found that they no longer sell shoes there. Only available online! They still have some decent styles, but so does this online shoe emporium which features everything from gothic to showgirl styles, like this stylish lucite wedge at a reasonable price which includes shipping! This would go perfectly with a Marlene Dietrich 1960's nude look and they're only $38! Also available in a sick lucite with (faux?) cork heel up to a whopping size 13. Not that I'm hinting for Xmas gifts or anything..... 
BAD SANTA!
 Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ***************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Lo ve, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan&nb sp; Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at sc hool. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
THE JINGLE CATS
From YOUTUBE: The most trippy video ever seen by man, this video was created when a cat lover ate drank one gallon of liquid lsd.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...
Lara Parker, who played the enchanting witch/vampire on cult TV show DARK SHADOWS? She has her own website now, and here's a link to the beauty's bio. She drove me completely out of my mind as a child! 
OFFICER DELICIOUS OF PALM BEACH
NEW PC TERMS
From Atlanta drag legend Lily White!  Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, a few changes have been made to the language. I have provided you with the following list. First off, the folks residing in the Carolinas and Kentuckians, Tennesseans, West Virginians and Georgians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. furthermore ... POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS FOR, AND ABOUT WOMEN : She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION" She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." ------------------------------------------------------------------ HOW TO SPEAK POLITICALLY CORRECT ABOUT MEN He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." He does not act like a "TOTAL AS S" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE. GOT IT EVERYBODY ? NOW GET OUT THERE AND SPEAK CORRECTLY !!
XMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me * 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... * 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
MS. PEACHEZ GOES TO COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL
Honey, this is nuts! The star has her back to the camera for most of the video! Still, she does have quite a delivery. YOUTUBEAnd you need to check out her gams in this clip: YOUTUBE
SOY GAY!
FORWARDED BY ELVIRA: Top conservative news site says soy products make you gay by John in DC - 12/12/2006 10:24:00 AM This isn't just some goofy fringe news site. It's WorldNetDaily (which we affectionately refer to as WingNutDaily), a site that all the right-wing pundits use as a source for their daily vitriol. Here's an excerpt: There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture.... The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place.... Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens. Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.... Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. Okay, someone needs to Google the goof who wrote this. I suspect it could be fun. James Rutz is chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries. He is the author of "MEGASHIFT: Igniting Spiritual Power," and, most recently, "The Meaning of Life." BUNNY NOTE: I have been told that soy products contain lotsa estrogen--by a sex change friend who oughta know!
WORLD'S BIGGEST HAIR
FROM ITV NEWS:  When you next think you're having a bad hair day spare a thought for one woman whose barnet is so big it has entered the Guinness Book of World Records. It took ten stylists and a whole lotta hairspray to hold up Peruvian actress Susan Leon's towering hairstyle. Reaching nearly two metres tall, lead stylist Amparo Jara said she took her inspiration from a courtesan of France's Louis XV. Felipe Carbonell from the Guinness Book of Records said: "We checked previous editions, which I brought from previous years. "There was no record made in a hairdo category, therefore we took the opportunity to start a new record that could later be beaten every year."
THE NIGHT I FELL FOR JOEY ARIAS
JOEY ARIAS WITH ONE OF HER ZILLIONS OF ADMIRERS!  Don't worry! I haven't gone kai-kai (sp?). That's the name of a new song by a guy who "hooked up" with NYC/Las Vegas drag diva Joey Arias one night in P'town. The artist did not forward his name, and lord knows Joey has hooked up with millions of guys--though most of them are homeless and I wouldn't imagine have internet access much less recording careers. LISTEN: THE NIGHT I FELL FOR JOEY ARIAS
1 REPUBLICAN I LOVE
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- At the age of 89, Phyllis Diller is saying good night but not goodbye.  Diller, the subject of a new DVD that celebrates her life and documents her final standup performance in 2002, says she simply got too old to keep traveling from city to city. But, hey, if you've got a movie role in mind, give her a call. ''Look, if it's a little old lady, I get the role,'' she says, breaking into that famous Diller laugh, the one that sounds something like AHHH! AHHH! AHHH AHHH! ''I've just done a couple movies where I died and they loved it. Because without my wig I look dead! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH AHHH!'' READ THE REST: NYTIMES
CHRISTIAN JIHAD
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A watchdog group that promotes religious freedom in the U.S. military accused senior officers on Monday using their rank and influence to coerce soldiers and airmen into adopting evangelical Christianity. Such proselytizing, according to the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, has created a core of "radical" Christians within the U.S. armed forces and Pentagon who punish those who do not accept evangelical beliefs by stalling their careers. "It's egregious beyond the pale," said Mikey Weinstein, president and founder of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation. "We apparently have a radicalized, evangelical Christian Pentagon within the rest of the Pentagon." MORE: YAHOO.COM
SANTACON
Ho ho ho! It's that time of year again... time for Santa to dig himself out from his elf-and-reindeer hogpile, wash the vomit off his pants and join us for a madcap drunken joyous wandering of the city streets we know and love.  When: December 16th, 2006 10:10:10AM Where: (Check here the night before, suckas) What??? Santacon is your opportunity to be Santa! You MUST dress like Santa, you SHOULD ho-ho-ho like Santa, you OUGHT TO give out gifts like Santa and (of course) YA GOTTA drink like Santa. Is this some kind of political statement? No. It's fun. Remember fun? Who's in charge? SANTA. MORE: SANTACON.COM
JAPANESE POODLE WOMAN WORKOUT
From youtube: This is a mesmerizing and frightening video. It's a word-for-word parody of Susan Powter's first workout video, featuring poodles and a crazy poodle-woman. Absolutely surreal. It was made by Nagi Noda for Panasonic. It was part of 10 films they made for the 2004 Athens Olympics. YOUTUBE
GEE! YOUR HAIR SMELLS TERRIFIC!
Every day at the office, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!"
MRS. MILLER'S ON MYSPACE!
SHIRLEY MURDOCK
I don't think GO ON WITHOUT YOU was as big of a hit as her phenomenal AS WE LAY, but damn, I love this girl's voice! Does anyone remember that transvestite who made the rounds of talk shows in the 80's after he was busted impersonating Shirley and racking up tons of hotel and other bills as her? Truly insane. Wish that freak was was on youtube!  YOUTUBE
WHEELCHAIR REBECCAH
A child's innocent question about her Wheelchair Rebecca doll leads Mommy to make some delightfully grotesque suppositions.
DIVINE'S DESIGNER VAN SMITH DEAD
 Van Smith, who was admiringly called both an artist and a terrorist for the costumes and makeup he designed for the films of John Waters, died on Tuesday at his home in Marianna, Fla. He was 61. MORE: NYTIMES
RAVEN O INTERVIEW
In the new HX. Lady Bunny takes on cirque singer Raven O, back in NYC at last  (Intro by HX) What queer kid doesn’t dream of running away to join the circus? New York cabaret legend Raven O didn’t just dream it, he lived it, taking a three-year gamble performing in Cirque du Soleil’s Zumanity in Las Vegas. But now the gig’s up, and Raven’s coming home to gay Gotham in a huge way, returning to his roots with a musical/comedy revue at Helen’s, appropriately titled Alive. We tapped Lady Bunny to catch up with the Bar d’O veteran, giving us the scoop on his man-drogynous new look and why Vegas is just this side of hell. READ THE INTERVIEW: HX.COMSAMPLE: BUNNY: Speaking of water sports, what will your NYC show involve? I notice that you’ve turned into a tattooed muscle man! RAVEN O: My show at Helen’s is myself with my trio. BUNNY: Oh, like the trios you used to perform at the East Side Club with double-headed dildos and a jar of Crisco? RVEN O: Ahhhhh, how are your parents and your brother? Did your mom get that harelip fixed?
MURRAY HILL'S ON LOGO
All weekend long in a 2 minute short. Check the fool out! Forwarded from Mur: MURRAY HILL "Queer Year in Showbiz" on LOGO TV! on TimeWarner NYC: Channel 155 It will be posted online soon at Queer Year link on http://www.logoonline  TV AIR TIMES! give or take a few minutes..if it isn't on when you look, wait til the next commercial break! Saturday 12/09 4:52 AM Saturday 12/09 10:44 AM Saturday Sunday 12/10 7:36 AM 12/10 2:51 PM 12/10 6:05 pm 12/10 8:25 pm 12/10 9:25 pm ** The short is also playing New Year's Weekend too! So look for it then! I'll keep details on http://www.myspace.com/murrayhillnyc **
JAYNE COUNTY: PAINTER?
 OF COURSE SHE CAN PAINT HER MUG, BUT... You know Jayne County as the pioneering punk tranny who defined the era with her brilliant and funny IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCK ME, BABY FUCK OFF. You may have read her outrageously entertaining autobiography MAN ENOUGH TO BE A WOMAN. But didja know she was a painter now? ME EITHER! Check it out at JAYNECOUNTY.COM
BEFORE YOU SCREW THAT CABBIE
Enquiring behinds wanna know! Standard condoms bad fit for Indian men: study CTV.ca News Staff Condoms designed to meet international sizes are too big for most Indian men, a two-year Indian study has found. The study, co-ordinated by a leading state-run centre, found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms. The Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR), said its initial findings showed 60 per cent of Indian men are between three and five centimetres shorter than the international size specifications used to manufacture condoms. Researchers surveyed about 1,400 men visiting family planning centres in cities such as Mumbai and Delhi as well as in rural areas, the Times of India reported in a story entitled "Indian men don't measure up." The men were a cross-section of urban and rural dwellers ranging in age from 18 to 50. The length and width of each erect penis was measured twice, and a digital photograph was taken, the newspaper reported. Dr. Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the ICMR told the British Broadcasting Corp. the issue was a serious one. Puri said that studies have shown about one in every five times a condom is used in India, it tears or slips off. He is advocating vending machines that offer condoms of different sizes for men who would be too embarrassed to buy smaller-sized condoms at the pharmacy. The ICMR is expected to recommend condoms that are the right size so as to reduce the rate of failure in the country, which has the world's highest HIV positive caseload. Puri also told Reuters one of the reasons for the high failure rate was that couples were eager to put the condoms on in a hurry because of the size discrepancy. An international delegate at the Asia-Pacific Conference of the Society of Sexual Medicine in Mumbai recently warned that if the study finds geographical distinctions in penis size, it may cause tensions among men in different regions. The ICMR is expected to publish its findings in early 2007.
AND I AM TELLING YOU...
....SOME MORE GOSSIP on DREAMGIRLS by MICHAEL MUSTO from his LA DOLCE MUSTO column. Seems that Miss Beyonce is jealous of Jennifer Hudson.
HETURNEDSHE.COM
Before you waste $1,000's on an unsuccessful sex change, why not check out this site, which offers virtual feminization make-overs online: HETURNEDSHE.COM "JENNIFER" 
RUTA LEE ALERT
 I'm a little obsessed by Ruta Lee, a minor Hollywood glamorpuss who I first saw in the 1970's game show HIGH ROLLERS, in a Vanna White-ish role. She's back as a Grandma in ABC's upcoming CHRISTMAS DO-OVER, airing on 12/16. I doubt if her still perky personality will salvage this rotten-looking drivel, but man! did a couple glimpses of her fill my black, moldy heart with joy. She's still got it!
DREAMGIRL'S GAY NIGHTMARE?
 Surprise! Surprise! Jennifer Hudson, the gal who plays Effie was raised Baptist and thinks gay is a sin, according to this interview in THE DALLAS VOICE. Though she'll gladly go gay for pay, and has no problem entertaining at circuit parties. Is she joining the elite group of black female vocalists which milks their gay fans while disapproving of them, which includes Donna Summer, Kim English and now Carol Channing!?! (I refer to Carol's revelation that she is part black from her latest autobiography.) The article is followed by a carefully worded statement "from Jennifer" which is obviously written by a publicist. Should you let it spoil your enjoyment of this very gay film? I wouldn't. Any more than an AA'er should avoid Bette Davis films. Or should a victim of awful plastic surgery shun Meg Ryan films--when there are so many other reasons to avoid her pictures! In fact, Jennifer seems like a bit of a sassy fag hag, from this article and from other reports. One friend told me he saw her at the NYC premiere and her fisrt words were something like "Would you look at my momma's wig?" So I guess she's just disconnected from the good book which she supposedly lives her life by. Kinda of like the gangsta rappers who write about killing and ho's and then praise god at every awards ceremony. Or the evangelicals who back a president who launches America's first preemptive attack, conveniently forgetting THOU SHALT NOT KILL people that didn't have any WMD's or connection with 9/11? Y'all might want to try to understand the basic tenets religion you pick. Duh! I mean, Hallelujah!
SHAME, SHAME, SHAME
By Tina Turner (who is so eager to "get down" that she is walks out practically bending over backwards) and Cher, who can't really dance, but lordy, she can wear a Bob Mackie Vegas-y "strips" dress and an Ann Jillian meets Cleopatra wig! I'm guessing this gem is from THE CHER SHOW. YOUTUBE
DREAMGIRLS: DO BELIEVE THE HYPE
Apologies for my long silence, but I've been out enjoying the city. Since they passed that law banning trans fats from restaurant fare by 2008, I've been on a suicide mission to gobble as much chow while these establishments can legally admit me. But I've also seen a couple films. BORAT is a hoot and a half which I ha to watch twice. Sick and smart and uproariously funny, don't miss this one! I know I'm a little late on this review, but I'm early on the next. I caught DREAMGIRLS last night at a special screening for industry big wigs at The William Morris Agency. As a part-time janitor there, I was able to sneak in for several of the big scenes. Though that's a lie, there were several notables there, including the author of Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil, Henry Krieger, who composed both the original score and the new tracks, and Anika Noni Rose, who is fab as the ditzy Dreamgirl Lorell Robinson. Hollywood got this one right. They waited a long time for the film version of this musical, and this one's worth the wait. It's exciting, with tons of performances, costumes, sets, and lights. It's a visual treat with a great story which doesn't lag for a second. The casting is super, and Jennifer Hudson, who does the Jennifer Holiday role, is a joy and she steals the film, in her very first acting role! She's just unbelievably sassy with a great set of pipes. No, she can't touch J-Ho, but who can? I'd forgotten how fun the other tunes in the show were, and Eddie Murphy has a few bombastic moments, too. Keith Robinson as the songwiter C.C. White is very appealing and sings well. I'll be getting the soundtrack. As C.C., Keith Robinson sings one moving song called FAMILY. I asked a show queen how Diane Ross felt about DREAMGIRLS, since the plot is essentially based on her career. Apparently, she was livid over the film and there was a well-publicized incident where Jennifer Holiday entered a resaurant that La Ross was dining in and Diana walked at the sight of her. (As did the kitchen staff! Just warming up!) But then Diana surprised everyone by singing FAMILY at her Central Park concert. And that's why it rained! Beyonce is the only disappointment. She passes, but she is is certainly not charismatic as an actress. Like the Supremes, the Dreamettes hail from Detroit, yet inexplicably, Beyonce retains her Houston drawl. I rarely like her whiny (if powerful) singing voice anyway. According to an industry insider, musical directors for the film curtailed her incessant vocal riffing up and down the scale and made her stick to the melodies. (Remember Destiny's Child's unbearable cover of the Bee Gees' EMOTION?) But in order to be considered for an Oscar for best song, a film must include new music or it's considered a revival, so Miss Knowles gets a new power ballad, called LISTEN. Though I don't love the way her voice winds around notes, she can hit 'em (in whatever key her weird personal scale is in), but it was interesting that her new solo was the only tune NOT applauded by the hard-boiled audience of agents with which I viewed the film. And this is after we were plied with wine and gourmet popcorn (full of trans fats, no doubt) which we enjoyed from plush couches. (I was so relaxed that I shit myself on that last note of AND I AM TELLING YOU.) At one point, when Beyonce tries to free herself from the Berry Gordy figure's grip (well-acted by a sexy Jamie Foxx), he tells her something like "Your voice has no personality." To prove him wrong, she belts out LISTEN. This changes the plot considerably. Suddenly her voice has lots of personality? So why was it ever a mistake that Jamie's character, Curtis Taylor, Jr., singled out slim Deena Jones over plus-sized Effie, with her gigantic voice? Makes no sense and it's kind of a central theme, y'all. But you have to bow to Beyonce cuz she'll sell tickets. That's why no one informed her not to pronounce "Do this" as "Do dis." Was Diana Ross ever ghetto? OK, in public? How I wish that this project had been packaged for Whitney Houston 10-15 years ago. She can act and sing, and doesn't need a whirlwind of MTV-style production numbers to wow you. Just a mike, thanks. Also added are a couple of scenes I don't recall from the original. (Though, admittedly, it's been a coupla years since I saw the Braodway stageshow.) While having a tiff in the studio, Effie bolts out angrily and is followed by two-timing Curtis. They encounter a riot in the streets of Detroit. Oh yeah! Throw in a riot! A little fire and destruction/distraction. It'll hold straight males attention if they see somebody getting hurt. At another point, we've hit the 70's and Eddie wants to change things up by singing a message song. Curtis dismisses the idea because they need non-confrontational records which will sell. There's kind of a black rights, civil rights moment which I don't think belongs there. As much as I'd like to see people get more involved in decrying the world's situation, this scenette feels unnecessary and out of place. There's enough confrontation amongst the characters--you don't need to throw this mess in for a second and then abandon it just as quickly without developing it. THE GORGEOUS SHARON LEAL  Effie's replacement is played by Sharon Leal, an elegant creature with a button nose who has already snagged a record deal with Universal Music. I wonder if Beyonce's daddy was nervous about filming this beauty a little too close to Beyonce. (In fact, you have to give Beyonce points for appearing with no make-up and a dowdy wig in the early scenes to heighten her transition to glamorpuss. Before Beyonce is given the godess treatment at which she excels, the other two Dreamettes are as attractive than the world's premiere pop sex kitten. Apparently, Mr. Knowles insisted on giving Beyonce writing credit for one line she managed to insert into LISTEN. Hmmm. A girl group which axed it's fourth member and had the favored (by the ruthless svengali/manger) girl with inferior pipes take the lead and then go solo and do movies. The story of Destiny's Child may well deserve it's own DREAMGIRLS-style script. If Beyonce was dynamic enough, that is...
DAME EDNA'S 50TH HONORED BY COIN MINTING!
I love this nut! Congratulations, bitch!  READ MORE: PERTHMINT
HOUSEHOLD SPILLS GETTING YOU DOWN?
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