A BIG BIG LOVE

I interviewed "Big Bill" for Genre's last issue on Health and Fatness--I mean Fitness.

A Big Big Love

I first met “Big Bill” at WIgstock, as oversized drag queen Jennifer Snackwell. He delighted audiences by bouncing around the stage in a psychedelic mini mumu with his nuts swinging out gaily underneath, but, offstage, a fat queen receives a much chillier response, and is often at bottom of the gay cruising totem. We sat down over rolls with butter (High carb! High fat!) to “gut” some of the issues faced by a self-proclamed, fat fag.

BUNNY: It strikes me as odd that the gay movement asks straights for tolerance, yet we are so intolerant of physical attributes that vary from the “himbo,” white, muscle god image. Why do gays have such an intense dislike of heavy people?

BILL: (Sarcastically) Uh, maybe self-loathing? The key is diversity. It takes different people of all shapes, sizes and colors to turn different people on and I'm a big man.

BUNNY: After working with a bunch of gorgeous strippers recently, I realized that these guys were so physically desirable that they didn't need to bother developing any people skills, and were mostly selfish, stuck-up assholes. (In other words, they wouldn’t let me blow them.) But for people who do think outside the stereotypical box, is there a certain type of person who is attracted to bigger people?

BILL: Yeah, there is a type—there is a non-type. For the people I let into my life, I qualify no image. I'll take anyone in my bed. As long as they take me out to dinner first! Or afterwards.

BUNNY: Amen, sister! As long as they have food. Is there a preconceived notion about what sexual role heavier people will play?

BILL: Many people expect me to be a bottom, but it's the complete opposite. I'm a top.

BUNNY: They' d better have strong backs! I have a theory about why people expect heavy-set guys to be bottoms. The gym culture is all about striving for this hyper-masculine, chiseled, not-found-in nature physique…

BILL: A lot of them are big bottoms, Bunny.

BUNNY: Not to mention they often have no dick and shriveled up nuts! There’s this idea that many guys feel inferior because they're bottoms, so they need to bulk up in the gym to overcompensate for the fact that they throw their legs up at night to get plunged. Senselessly, gays look down on bottoms, too!

BILL: A lot of times, you notice that muscle gods are looking for someone more masculine than they are to screw them. All that masculinity just folds right up when they're gettin' it in the ass.

BUNNY: Do you think that bigger people are considered bottoms because their softness hints at an ineffectual and therefore passive male?



BILL: A lot of times when I'm having sex, men will grab my fat. They wanna touch it and feel it. And I'm like, “OK, you're a chubby-chaser”, but that's alright because I'm fucking them. Do what you want, because I get to get what I want, too.

BUNNY: You pig!

BILL: But you really hit on something with the idea of this overcompensation. Some gays are so controlling and self-absorbed with their weight that in bed, they want to feel the complete opposite, which is fat. They’re being so obsessive about their own image that they feed on their obsessiveness by grabbing my gut. It's like aversion therapy. Their brain is telling them to constantly monitor their appearance and then in bed, their brain rebels and tells them to grab what they spend their lives avoiding--a big gut. People look at me in either two ways: either disgusted or they're a little frightened. I'm a big man. 6 feet and kind of wide.

BUNNY: When they are disgusted, how does that manifest itself? You summer in Provincetown, which for those of you who don't know, is a very white, muscular and wealthy.

BILL: Well, I struggle there for a lot of attention from gay men. Why should they go with some big fat guy when there is so much eye candy? But I kind of like being there because I'm different.

BUNNY: What would you say to someone who questions your ability to be healthy and so large? Doesn't carrying a lot of weight stress the heart and have other health problems associated with it?

BILL: I manage my blood pressure. My cholesterol is ok. I work out a lot and a stress test has proved that my heart is ok. If anything, it's my joints that might be a problem. But that happens to everyone with age.

BUNNY: You don't have to tell "Lady Bunion".

BILL: I'm still working towards a goal and that's to stave off death. We all have to enjoy our journey and age gracefully. The best revenge is living well, and those gym queens who are suffering are depriving themselves the pleasure of the journey. Would you like one of my rolls?

BUNNY: Bill, you're drooling!

DO IT AND PASS IT ON!

Dear Friend,

During the week of June 5th, Bill Frist, in an attempt to appease
extreme right wing elements of the Republican Party, has promised that
the Senate will vote on the Federal Marriage Amendment and attempt to
write discrimination into the Constitution for the first time in 230
years.

Join me in telling Senator Frist, "The Senate should be working on real
issues - not writing discrimination into the Constitution" by visiting:


GIVEEMHELLHARRY

HAIRDRESSER, HAIRDRESSER

Another gem of a performance from STAIRWAY TO STARDOM:

YOUTUBE

WANDA WISDOM VS BUNNY

I Joined Wanda Wisdom for one of her award-winning podcasts, which can can be found at:

LAVENDARMAGAZINE

PRECIOUS TAFT

Howie Pyro is killing me with the video links today! I can't even say that I know what this is, but it's something else!

YOUTUBE

STILL TALKING ABOUT MY FLA TOUR!

From Yahoo News:

Doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community, according to a Local 6 News report.

A gynecologist at The Villages community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.

"Yeah, they are very shocked (to hear the diagnosis)," gynecologist Dr. Colleen McQuade said. "I had a patient in her 80s."

"More and more senior citizens are ending up in the gynecologist office, and their diagnosis is a sexually transmitted disease," Local 6 reporter Vanessa Medina said.

Local 6 featured Louis Franklin, who used to date in the community at least three times a week.

"I have had a better dating life since I have been here than I have ever had," Franklin said. "I know there are things going around."

A doctor blamed Viagra, a lack of sex education and no risk for pregnancy for the spike in sexually transmitted diseases at The Villages.

"All I can repeat are the things I have heard which are things like, 'Should I bring the little blue pills over tonight?'" community singles group president Richard Matwyshen said.

ELVIS!

I have never been a fan until now. A MUST SEE!

PERFORMINGCOMPLETELYWASTED

CNN ON BATON BOB

It must be Atlanta drag day. CNN Headline News did a whole segment on the gender-fuck twirler from Atlanta! I just met it in Atlanta and it's a true sweetheart an what a breath of fruity fresh air in stiff, corporate Midtown A-Town. The video is a little hard to find. You go to this link for CNNVIDEO and then hit the OFFBEAT category, which will take you to "Baton Bob gives life a twirl."

Here is the direct link (Thanks to Jordy of VirtualMatter.com who often comes to my aid in computer matters!)

CNN

YOU'RE A GOOD WO-MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

Atlanta drag legend closing up shop at underground Atlanta! This after Charlie's legendary cabaret bit the dust along with it's host bar Backstreet. Every southern fag knows this drag empress. Yankees may remember Charlie from HBO's DRAGTIME. She is a hoot! And always billed as "Mr." Charlie Brown.


Charlie Brown took the stage at Charlie Brown’s Cabaret in Underground Atlanta on Sunday night, just as he has so many times over the past 16 months, set to read the crowd with his cutting humor, then win them over with the ladylike charm that has made him a legendary female impersonator for more than two decades.

But the line that drew the most shocked gawks was when Brown announced from the stage that the club bearing his name closes after a final show June 4.

WHOLE ARTICLE: SOVO

WHAT LIES BENEATH

Beautifully written article/interview with Anna Wintour from The Guardian:

Is she brilliant? Shallow? An artist? A bully? However you look at Anna Wintour, she is more than just the editor of American Vogue. In a rare interview, the empress of fashion talks to Emma Brockes

GUARDIAN

BOTOX AWAY THE BLUES?

From Newsweek:

Smooth the brow, brighten the eye ..." the pioneering psychologist William James wrote in 1890, describing a self-help technique for overcoming depression, "and your heart must be frigid indeed if it does not gradually thaw." In James's lifetime there was no easy way to follow this advice because Botox hadn't been invented. But today, smoothing the brow by paralyzing the corrugator supercilii muscles is the work of minutes—or so reasoned Eric Finzi, a dermatologist in Chevy Chase, Md. A few years ago Finzi got the idea of injecting botulinum toxin A—the compound marketed as Botox—into the foreheads of patients suffering major clinical depression. According to a paper published last week in the journal Dermatologic Surgery, it helped in nine out of 10 cases—nearly twice the success rate claimed for antidepressants.

READ THE REST: NEWSWEEK

PATTY FROM MYSPACE

Check out this twisted profile on myspace. Hurry. Something tells me they're going to take it down soon. Singer Pepper Mashay said that myspace removed her profile for posting a few anti-Bush political bulletins. And she's a grandmother who is not exactly abusive or foul-mouthed. Just angry.

PATTY: PATTY

LET'S GET SOME SHOES!

Finally, a pop video I can relate to!

LETSGETSOMESHOES

THANKS FOR THE GREAT PARTY

YOGA MADE FUN!

WFMU

THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER

Eeeeew! Check out Dick Cheney's hell-spawn hawking her book on Letterman: CROOKSANDLIARS

It's mind-bogglingly enfuriating that a grumpy old straight entertainment talk show host is advocating gay rights and this soulless bullagger isn't. He even asks her why she's stating her position now when she wants to sell a book rather than during the election campaign, when bringing up gay issues might have made a difference. She's as repulsive as her dad. I hope he takes her hunting soon.

WASHPO article on Mary's book PR. God I'd like to style her. Wouldn't she look fab in feathers....and tar?

NEW YORK -- "Are the eyes too much?"

Mary Cheney is peering into the makeup artist's mirror in the early hours of the morning, getting "done" for her appearance on "Good Morning America" with Diane Sawyer. Taped to the mirror is the list of today's guest stars. The name Nick Lachey -- aka the soon-to-be-ex-Mr. Jessica Simpson -- she recognizes. Totally clueless on actress Emmy Rossum. Needs some prompting on Josh Lucas ("Sweet Home Alabama"? Hottie who ends up with Reese Witherspoon?).

Let's say she's a little bit out of her element. Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, had made it her business to fly under the radar. She's a pro at shunning the limelight. As the openly gay daughter of a man running for office in a party opposed to gay marriage, she took the hits and let them slide off her as if she were coated with Teflon. Kind of like daddy.

Alan Keyes refers to her as a "selfish hedonist"? No response. Gay-rights activists lampoon her by putting her face on a milk carton ("Have you seen me?")? No response. Her sexual orientation becomes fodder for a presidential debate? No response.

Protesters show up in her hideout home town of Conifer, Colo., and plant a "Bride of Satan" sign outside her house? Nope, not a word.

Until now, that is. Cheney's self-written story of life as a political daughter, campaign strategist and happily partnered gay woman is out this week, with a carefully planned media campaign surrounding its release.

WHOLE ARTICLE: WASHPO


Also on crooksandliars.com, SNL's animated skit Presidential Out Takes: CROOKSANDLIARS

It's a little disturbing that only comedians are holding this bunch of lying deadbeat's feets to the fire. Didn't the news used to do that, a long, long time ago?

JASON MECIER

Just look at these stunning portraits by Jason Mecier, a myspace buddy. More great pics of his work at MYSPACE.COM including Tammy Faye Baker, Sissy Spacek, and PHYLLIS FUCKING DILLER! I think they're brilliant!

SHADY HAIRCUT

STELLA AWARDS

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual Stella
Awards."

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New
Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most
frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.


Here are this year's winners:


7th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
was running around inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place:
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place:
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able
to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family
was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for
eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of
dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation
caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

5th Place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have
been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed
over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.


2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.


1st Place:
T his year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game),
having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her
$1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons around.

IF YOU THOUGHT BJORK'S BIRD DRESS WAS NUTS...

..then meet Iceland's SILVIA NIGHT!

YOUTUBE

GO 'FIGER!

Did you see this insane story about Tommy Hilfiger attacking Axl Rose at Plumm, a new club around the corner from my apartment? There goes the neighborhood! I don't like The Post's politics and there has been a recent scandal about their gossip-brokering techniques, but I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy reading this story. Can you imagine if Axl presses charges against the all-American designer?

NYPOST

PRICELESS

FILTHY GORGEOUS TRANNYSHACK

Filthy Gorgeous: The Trannyshack Story
In The Flesh and On The Screen
One Night Only – June 8th 2006
The Slipper Room (167 Orchard St. @ Stanton)
AMC Loews 34th St Theater 13

Once upon a time in a land, far, far away, the legendary Trannyshack was born. Now, after ten years of packed nights at the infamous Stud Bar, international notoriety and talk shows galore, San Francisco’s one-and-only Trannyshack will hit New York in the flesh and on the screen. Filthy Gorgeous: The Trannyshack Story plays Thursday June 8th at 10:15 at AMC Loews 34th St Theater 13 as part of NewFest 2006. In conjunction with the New York Premiere. Trannyshack the club will relocate to The Slipper Room (167 Orchard St. @ Stanton) for a one-night-only star studded extravaganza.

Conceived by drag queen Heklina a decade ago as a way to honor friends lost to AIDS, Trannyshack has become an institution for its city and a fertile testing ground of creativity where performers combat tired old ideas of drag with outrageous acts of art. After so many fantastic years in San Francisco, it is only natural to want to spread the love…among other things! Trannyshack has hosted packed houses in Los Angeles, London, Reno Nevada and now New York!

In The Flesh: Join Trannyshack creator Heklina and co-host D’Arcy Drollinger as they usher in the glamour and the depravity. Performances by Trannyshack veterans as well as local faves include: Ana Matronic, Sherry Vine, Electro the Pop & Lock King, Faux Pas, Renttecca, Miss Trannyshack 2005 Coco Canal, Tai Chi, Christy Love and of course Heklina and D’Arcy. With Special guest DJ Seth.
On The Screen: Filthy Gorgeous: The Trannyshack Story, Directed by Sean Mullens. Produced by Deena Davenport is a portrait of a place and a high-concept – The film recounts the history of Trannyshack, with performances from fabled theme nights such as the delirious “Cracked Out Divas,” and “Weapons of Ass Destruction,” not to mention the horror show “Serial Killer Night.” Scores of performers past and present, including Justin Bond from Kiki & Herb and Ana Matronic from the Scissor Sisters, comment on their experiences there, and tons of shocking clips give us all a taste of this unique drag haven (87 min).
The Club: Thursday June 8th at The Slipper Room 167 Orchard St. – Doors at 10PM – Show at 12:30 - $7
The Film: Thursday June 8th at AMC Loews 34th St Theater 13 @ 8th Ave. 10:15 - $12
www.trannyshack.com – www.slipperroom.com - www.newfest.org

HAPPY B'DAY, GRACE!

WATCH HER PERFORM SLAVE TO THE RHYTHM LIVE IN LONDON: YOUYUBE

HEATHER MCCARTNEY JOKE

From POPBITCH.COM:

A South African gold miner lost his leg in an
accident. Choking back the tears later he cried,
"It's over! who's gonna want a one legged gold
digger?" Then his phone rang. "It's Paul McCartney."

THE THREEPENNY OPERA

MICHAEL LUCAS AND ALAN CUMMING CELEBRATING BACKSTAGE AFTER A PERFORMANCE OF THE THREEPENNY OPERA



Despite poor reviews, I have a few friends in the show so I went last night with Michael Lucas, who was kind enough to get tickets for us. The bad reviews certainly didn't put a damper on the attendance, which seemed to be sold out on a rainy Thursday night. Of course I was excited to see my drag sisters Edie, Flotilla Debarge and Hattie Hathaway on Broadway, but nothing could have prepared me for the appearance in the audience of one of my favorite all-time divas, ANGELA LANSBURY! (I know the photos crap, but she's in it and I love her!)



I had to gush, "I have your MURDER SHE WROTE cook book!" and she jollily shot back "Don't try any of those recipes!" What a joy to meet her. If you're young and only saw her in MURDER SHE WROTE, rent her in the original THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, an all-time favorite of mine, even though I hate Sinatra. Angela had presented Alan Cumming with an Olivia award in London years ago, Alan told us in his dressing room later. Alan is a true sweetheart and I don't want to diss the play or his adaption of it. My problem is that I probably would not have appreciated the original. Let me put it this way: I'm a lot more familiar with Breck than Brecht. I'm not a big musical fan, and this one is a little too artsy for my taste. Oddly, the two times a cast member urged the audience to sing along with the chorus, I, like the rest of the crowd couldn't remember either hook. These dissonant Kurt Weill songs are really complex in arrangement.

Of course, with Madonna's ex, Carlos Leon's family jewels (Good Lourdes!) bulging out of grape-colored latex hot-pants, it was a little hard to concentrate!

CARLOS IN HIS DRESSING ROOM--TOO BAD I DIDN'T CATCH HIM CHANGING!



This version basically seeks to update the classic by usng fetish-y club kiddy looks with a hint of ye olde thrown in. In other words, the (Isaac Mizrahi) costumes looked like they'd been grabbed on a tour through Jackie 60's creators Johnny Dynell and Chi Chi Valente's closet! Alan explained that the same things aren't shocking today as when THREEPENNY was originally performed, so Wallace Shawn's new translation threw in many references to pussy, fuck and other curse words. Naughty (if weird) choreography upped the outrageous ante, with a gay kiss and the character of Lucy played by Brian Charles Rooney in drag with a fantasticly fishy operatic belt.

BRIAN CHARLES ROONEY, WHO DRAGS UP FOR THE ROLE OF LUCY BROWN AND SINGS THE HOUSE DOWN



I was pleasantly surprised by the singing voices of Alan, SNL's ANA Gasteyer and of course diva Cyndi Lauper could sell any tune. She does a beautiful job with the haunting SOLOMON SONG. And she's wearing a fab frizzy wig with roots. Ana wears an impressive french twist bouffant as well, and who should I catch in the hallway but wig mistress Stephen Perfidia, who left the famous Patricia Field wig counter for Broadway years ago.

PERFIDIA WITH THREE PENNY'S WIGS: YOU KNOW THAT OLD DRAG QUEEN TRIES THEM ON WHEN NO ONE'S LOOKING!

G-STRINGS NOT FOR EVERYBODY

US PORTS SAFETY SHOCKER!

NEW EVIDENCE THAT US PORTS ARE STILL UNSAFE


The Dubai Ports Deal was roundly rejected since it was percieved that a transfer of power to the United Arab Emirates might leave us vulnerable to seaside terrorist attacks. True or not, the appearance of a shady-looking veiled muslim character, rumored to be a man, was seen lurking around the vicinity of NYC's South Street Seaport on Monday. The outrageous figure didn't even raise an eyebrow from Bridgewaters' security as "it" entered a glitzy, celebrity-filled benefit for Village Care NY, a grass roots AIDS assistance program. Why, I could have been a drug smuggler, illegal immigrant, exposive packer, or packing a pocketbook full of anthrax! In that disguise, I could even have been..............................................................................


OSAMA "BUN" LADEN!




OK, OK, so it was me! I'll be sporting this veil for quite a while since when I get electrolysis, I'm unable to wear make-up from the nose on down and this veil is a perfect concealer. Everyone seems to love it and I'm getting the creepy notion that the more I cover up, the better I look! (Any of my many Afghanistani (sp?) readers out there have an emailable burqa pattern?) Plus, those cab-drivers just love that I'm tipping my hat to their culture! And cabbies ain't all. I was stunned when I heard a "Yo ma!" emanating from a voice behind me as I scurried to work, late as usual. Behind me was a 20-year old papi in a light blue and white track suit with blinged-out earrings who wanted to "have" this mystery lady!! (You're all like "Bunny, you of all people don't need a fucking veil to mystify us!") If only he could have caught a glimpse of what was underneath that veil! I'm not sue the redness, swelling and scabs would have get his interest "up." Since continued electrolysis has prevented me from seeing Freddie, I may have to take a friend's recommendation and cut a hole in the "glory-veil" before he loses interest!

Just to put an end to any pesky rumors:

I am not using this veil to conceal plastic surgery wounds. Trust me, you'll soon see me without the veil and I won't look any better!

I am not using the veil to cover up herpes sores or syphillis chancres. I've had these for years--why would I suddenly need to conccoct a veiled ensemble to hide them?

Monday, I had a jam-packed schedule. A trick at 8:30AM, then jury duty, then 3 hours of electrolysis beard-burning with the requisite double dose of valium and xanax to knock me out, and then jumped into springtime muslim drag for a dj gig at the annual Tulips and Pansies Headdress Ball to benefit an AIDS organization called Village Care.



Thankfully, my drag sister Jesse Volt of Lips fame was on hand to entertain me. She'd been hired to impersonate Joan Rivers at the entrance, complete with a dummy mike, and to aggravate attendees with "Who are you wearing"-type questions. I didn't see her in action but the whore has a big mouth and I'm sure she was a hoot. Jesse also impersonates Cher. She's done both Cher and Joan for years--can you imagine how expensive that must be to keep up with their respective surgeries? From the looks of this pic, Jesse obviously economizes for her own surgeries by buying cheap wigs!

JESSE VOLT AS JOAN RIVERS OUTSIDE THE FULTON STREET FISH MARKET (An evil queen might make some "There's a troll under that bridge!", but this is a classy site, as you know.)



Thought I'd include a glamor shot of Jesse without the Joan glasses, as well. I know this pix a little blurry, but at Jesse's and my age blurry's a good thing!



Jesse takes his impersonations seriously, and in addition to the clothing and wigs he must buy for each character, he's had to have keep up with Joan and Cher in the cosmetic surgery department as well! I met Cher at a Kevyn Aucoin make-up line launch several years ago and I knew that Kevyn done her make-up for the festivities. I was all prepared to run up to her, study her face for a sec and suggest "You really should have Kevyn do your make-up sometime", just to read them both in a friendly way. But as soon as she saw me, her eyes lit up and the goddess enthused "I saw you on HBO's DRAG TIME!", seeming very excited to meet me. She thrust her hand out for me to shake it and I was so stunned that I was only able to remove one of her rings. I know she's gone overboard on the surgery in most people's eyes and many cling to her Sonny and Cher-period beak and crooked teeth period, but I must say, she looked radiant up close.

JOAN RIVERS WITHOUT MAKE-UP



Ms. Rivers has had some procedures which give her a "Joan from the Black Lagoon" effect. It's an amphibian look quite common with sex changes who chop their noses down so far that their brow ridges appears more prominent next to a button nose, with pooched-out trout pout to complete the resemblance. But I have to say, that though Joan looks unnatural and totally surgerized, she DOES look prettier! I remember seeing those RABBIT TEST publicity pix and thinking "This gal is a real dog." Her hair during RABBIT TEST was also a crazily high-lighted, badly damaged fried frizz. After the 1978 flick bombed, I think she must've said "Bring on the fags to start doing my hair and styling me", cuz she looked great during her 80's talk show. She's no longer a dog, she's an attractive amphibian freak. And at least she jokes about her surgery, ya know. Not only was that hilarious commercial recently where Joan's unmistakeable voice came out of an old woman's body hawking I don't recall what, but I once co-hosted a Barney's benefit with her where she literally walked with a floppy-brimmed hat covering her freshly-lasered mug AND NO MAKE-UP. She was hilarious and usual and even got in a jew/nazi joke about the cosmetic procedure. "Oh! It hurts like hell! My doctor--I think he's a German!"

But back to the benefit! I don't normally recognize socialites, but a few downtown types fell through:

MOTHER FLAWLESS SABRINA AND TWO CO-WHORE-TS



THE TRES CHIC UNIDENTIFIED PIANIST FROM THE PINK CHAMPAGNE ORCHESTRA. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE PALOMA PICASSO, YES?



SOME BEDAZZLED, BEGUZZLED ROYALTY FROM THE IMPERIAL COURT OF NEW YORK



AND THE COURT'S EMPRESS OF LAST YEAR, ROBIN KRADLES



Though you rarely spot one in a club, these imperial gals often attend higher end charity functions that I've dj'ed for, like BOATHOUSE ROCKS and such. I guess they feel at home at ritzy affairs with live bands, crystal glasses and gourmet h'odeuvres. Trash like me has given up on finding a rich husband and prefers to ogle the help, like this intoxicating morsel, who came complete with free booze!



AND CHECK OUT THIS TEMPTING PIECE OF MEAT! NO! THE ONE ON THE RIGHT! SLURP! SLOBBER! SLOBBER!



I popped backstage before my dj duties began to find the dressing room abuzz with last minute preparations, including the finishing touches being placed on this show-stopping rosy oversized cowboy hat.



I think flowers are a common if not required theme to the headdresses, so we saw all kinds of effects from the enormous gravity-defying seven-foot headdress worn by Flawless (she was mock-staggering as if struggling to maintain her balance) to this next creation. I'm sorry, maybe this guy, who was very pleasant, enjoys showing off his hot body and cute smile at every opportunity, and if he's showin' 'em, then he's happy.


But how would you feel if you were an aspiring model, hoping to be noticed by the right power-broker, and you arrived to find that what you were to be wearing down the runway was a mess of curling twigs with a McDonalds' hamburger box woven in? Don't get me wrong. That's the vision of a designer who took their time to donate their design to a very worthy cause. Maybe the McDonald's part was just too high concept for a country girl like me to appreciate.

More successful was this stunning oversized brimmed affair trimmed with fresh flowers and chic matching suit.




YOUR HOSTS


The proceedings were emceed by the above EXTRA's bubbly Tanika Ray, shown here with the warm head of operations at Village Care, Celebrity judges inclued a soap star and a fashion columnist who watched dazzling creations from Bill Blass, Marc Jacobs, Heatherette and Kenneth Cole. But what really stole the show was a black orthodox monk with AIDS, who'd been a recipient of Village Care's services. Tears rolled into his beard as he told the crowd the heartbreaking tales of his illness and of his battle to reconcile his homopobia (he was straight) with the church and his desire to help others with AIDS, even those who were gay and who he'd previously denounced. Standing in font of a crowd of fancy folk and describing how as an AIDS victim, Village Care personnel sat there with him as he was, in his words, "shitting himself", took our minds off the colorful creations on the runway and back to the sobering real reason we were all assembled there. Scat porn! Seriously, you gotta tip your hats to these socialites who attend AIDS benefits. It's that old noblesse oblige thang. The government sure as hell ain't takin' care of the AIDS victims (do I hear Katrina victims either?) and has slashed the budgets of prevention and care programs nationwide. So somebody has to look out for them. Moved by the spirit of togetherness and the noble notion that we all must pitch in to fight this battle for the sick and down-trodden, in an unscheduled moment, I myself leapt to the stage for an impromptu modelling session.



You may notice from the abundance of empty seats that my "runway" made the guest run away. But it's the thought that counts, right? I was just eager to help, and since I've noticed on their website that they offer mental health services, I may well be strengthening my ties with this organization in the future. VCNY.ORG

MEET THE NEW TWIGGY!

From MYSPACE.COM

HOLLY DOES MIAMI

Holly hooked up with South Beach's reigning drag diva Elaine Lancaster at a film festiva in Miami, where Holly was born. I keep hearing reports that Holly is ailing, but she looks fantastic here! Thanks, in part, to hairdresser and make-up artiste to the pageant stars and all around cuban mess, Miss Derbis! Thister! And thanks, in part, to Elaine's airbrushing skills, which she likes to refer to as "kissing" a photo.

THE DILDO CART

Despite today's ass-tronomical gas prices, you can definitely get more "bang for your butt" on this kooky vehicle!

WATCH IT IN ACTION: HUNGANGELS

5 FACTS ABOUT OIL

1. Record-high prices paid by consumers have fueled the $342.4 billion in profits enjoyed by the major oil companies since Bush has been president.

2. We'll never be able to produce our way to lower prices, because America is already the third-largest producer of oil in the world. The United States produces more oil every day than Iran, Kuwait and Qatar combined. The problem is that we consume more oil than any other country; every day, we use one of every four barrels of oil consumed in the world.

3. On average, it costs a company like ExxonMobil about $20 to extract a barrel of oil in Nigeria, Alaska or elsewhere. The company then sells it to American consumers for $70 a barrel.

4. A new income tax on these windfall profits could be dedicated to funding clean energy fuels, renewable energy, energy efficiency and increased investment in mass transit.

5. Strengthening fuel economy standards will make news cars more efficient, allowing them to use less gasoline. Improving fuel economy standards to 40 miles per gallon over the next decade will reduce our oil consumption by one-third.

Ready to take action? Demand to know why energy costs are so high. GO TO: ACTION.CITZEN.ORG

THOSE ZANY HAMBURGERS!

A GANG of anarchist Robin Hood-style thieves, who dress as superheroes and steal expensive food from exclusive restaurants and delicatessens to give to the poor, are being hunted by police in the German city of Hamburg.

The gang members seemingly take delight in injecting humour into their raids, which rely on sheer numbers and the confusion caused by their presence. After they plundered Kobe beef fillets, champagne and smoked salmon from a gourmet store on the exclusive Elbastrasse, they presented the cashier with a bouquet of flowers before making their getaway.

The latest robbery is part of a pattern over the past several months, suggesting that the thieves deliberately set out to highlight what they perceive as the inequality inherent in German society.

READ THE REST: INDYMEDIA

MUST SEE TV

GOD BREAST AMERICA

You gotta love Annie Sprinkle's new publicity photo! Many more on her site: ANNIESPRINKLE

RARE JOAN CRAWFORD FOOTAGE

Some clips from the Lyp!

She's smashed with a cast from smashed ankles a ridiculous miniature cowboy hat at LAX in 1968!

YOUTUBE

JOAN CRAWFORD IN TROG



Also, check out JOAN WE'RE GOING TO SCARE YOU TO DEATH, featuring some fine, aged Joan in a 60's thriller:

YOUTUBE

And while we're getting old shcool screen diva, let's give Bette Davis the last word. Here's a skeletal Bette on Johnny Carson dissing Joan!

YOUTUBE

RANDI RHODES ON CNN LAST NIGHT

Long but well worth it political dialogue between radio talk show hosts with my favorite unstoppable bulldozer on fire! From www.virtualmatter.com's Jordy Johnson:

VIMEO

JACKIE BEAT DOC

FRIDAY, JUNE 9

World premiere of the documentary MY NAME IS JACKIE BEAT at NewFest 2006, The New York City Gay & Lesbian Film Festival

NEWFEST

FORMIKA THROWS AN AFTER PARTY & PERFORMANCE at AREA 10018
20 W. 39th St. (between 5th & 6th Aves.)
www.tripwithus.com

IF AL GORE WERE PRES

Funny skit with Al Gore (yes, they even made him seem funny!) from this past Saturday's SNL

WATCH IT HERE: CROOKSANDLIARS

GO FUCK YOURSELF

WITH THE NEW DIL-STICK! And make sure to check out the instructional video!: DIL-STICK

MY MOM, LADY BECKY!

Yes, this freak is my actual birth mother, who threw on one of my wigs after a dj gig I had in Atlanta in April. My parents still live in nearby Chattanooga, Tennesse and since I'm not always in the mood to see my dad, just us two "girls" rendez-voused at the weird Hotel Indigo on Peachtree Street for a couple nights.

TWO SOUTHERN PEACHES AT ATLANTA'S HOTEL INDIGO



Mom isn't allowed to see me perform since my show's become so filthy, but she's still a loving, suppportive, drag-friendly mom who has ceramic bunnies in the yard, an 8 X 10 of me in her bedroom, and a whole Bunny scrapbook pasted on my old bedroom wall. She's left my room exactly as I left it all these years: shit, cum stains and all! A dj gig for the christening of a new Mitchell Gold/Bob Williams furniture store would be the perfect oppor-tuna-ty to have her visit me "on the job" and see exactly what it is that I do. Maybe once she figured it out she could explain what it was I "did" to my puzzled "audience."That night I "did" heroin, angel dust and Whip-its. I can't imagine she was on!







But she was "on", alright. Lady Becky certainly didn't seem to need any of drugs to steal my spotlight. The polite woman who'd asked "What on earth should I wear?" had been replaced place by a crazed party monster!

MAW ATTACKS!



Introducing herself as the queen mother, mom actually stood at the door and began to greet the guests, charming the pants off everyone whose path she crossed.

Now momma's very ladylike--unlike her vile excuse for a "daughter"! I don't mean that she's snooty in any way, she's just the type of petite Southern gal who cringes at profanity, never has more than two drinks and considers more than one clove of garlic in a family-sized dish too overpowering. You know, the kind of person for whom those bizarre miniature cans of soda are made because they might just want a little sip of something. (I always marvel at those mini-cans. I mean, who can't drink a whole fucking soda?)

In the 70's, I remember mom hating Tina Turner at the height of her PROUD MARY phase. She referred to Tina as a "buster", a term I've only heard used one other time--in TLC's NO SCRUBS.

"A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly.
He's also known as a buster."

So my moms is down with TLC, yo! She explained her use of the word to mean "someone who is overtly sexual". Well, she didn't actually use those exact words. She merely demonstrated the definition by running naked with dog food smeared all over her body to the junkyard, where she instructed me to watch her engage in an orgy with a huge group of strays. Bless her little heart! Some of her lessons really stuck with me and I've often repeated this performance of hers, though I've found that I attract more strays if I remain fully clothed with the generic Alpo smeared on the outside of my garments. My momma a didn't raise no fool!

Anyway, I was naturally enthralled by Tina and the Ikettes' nostril-flaring, wig-tossing antics to the song which went on to become a drag lip-synch classic, and have loved Tina's super-short mini-dresses and those Vegas-y shredded hemlines ever since. But mom found her distasteful. Another "buster" she found distasteful? ZUMANITY star Joey Arias, who she saw in WIGSTOCK: THE MOVIE. Very out of character for her, she made a point of singling him out to disapprove. So when she visited me in NYC several years ago, I put her in "drag" in a white wig, false eyelashes and black and white feather boa (the pic, from Paper mag, is on the MY LIFE IN PITCHERS section of my site) and went off to work at Bar D'O. When I informed her that Joey would be there, she said "I don't like him." I told her "Well maw, tonight, he's my boss, so act like you do." Boy did she! She ran up to his unmistakeable mug as soon as we walked in the door and gushed "I've always wanted to meet you!" Then we dashed off to Jackie 60 in the what was then sketchy meat market and passed a messy tranny hooker. "That", I said, as if showing her NYC's finest sights, "is known as a crack whore." A block later, we passed a well-known drug dealer en route to Mother and I informed her "And that is known as a crack dealer." I will never forget the look on The New Yorker reporter Hilton Als' face as he watched Becky and Bunny in matching black and white op art dresses boogieing to Johnny Dynell's beats at 2:00AM!

MAYOR MAYNARD JACKSON'S WIDOW, VALERIE



Using drugs as a segueway back to Atlanta in this ridiculously rambling post, I wonder if someone slipped mom a mickey. I mean, it was an upscale furniture store opening with socialites like former Atlanta mayor Maynard Jackson's chic widow in attendance, but I am told those date rape drugs are very popular. I find these reports a little tough to believe, though. Everyone always looks very mystified when I declare loudly while hanging off a bar stool "Oh my! Someone has slipped me one of those DATE RAPE drugs again! I feel woozy and am losing control! I live nearby and have a lot of money and drugs in my unzipped purse!" Everyone just looks away and pretends not to hear me. Maye I'll try it again after my cold sore heals up.

MY MOM DECIDES TO SHOW BLACK PEOPLE HOW TO GET DOWN.......................S SYNDROME



Besides, do people really go to furniture store openings hoping to drug and snare women in their 60's? I mean mom's cute and all, but really! Soon she was leading a conga-line while I "manned" the cd decks. She literally "hit the floor" when she tumbled, somehow managing to break her wrist, lose her new $500 eyeglasses, and slow dance (to fast music!) with some man who was not my daddy. At one point I joined her on the dancefloor in a spirited moment and boogieing together, she attempetd to throw her scarf over my head and shimmy. Well, considering the size of my oversized wig, her scarf didn't quite make it over my big head, so the kook almost pulled my wig off in front of the well-heeled crowd!



MOMMA SABOTAGES HER OWN "DAUGHTER" WITH THE OLD SCARF TRICK



(In case you're wondering what the black strip coming out of my bra is, it's an old-fashioned way of securing your neckline to your bra, which works really well when it hasn't freed itself from the safey pin which secured it!) She was also telling me and anyone else who'd listen "No one is here to see that furniture. They're here to see you." Well, sweets, you might not want to communicate that to my boss, who hires me regulary whenever he opens a store. Owners Mitchell and Bob must be doing very well, since in the last year they've opened new locations in Philly, Atlanta and now Austin. And mom was such a hit, we might just have to work up a sister act. Or would that be more like a mister act? I'm certainly not above the idea of using an attractive (real) female relative a la Tennessee Williams' genius SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER to lure tricks my way. Hence this "Pose with him, mom!" shot as she happily grabbed this 7 foot sweet black stud I was lusting after.



The next morning the sister act "appeared" at the emergency room to have mom's hurt wrist wrapped. Stealing her pain-killers out of her pocket-book brought back so many childhood memories.



That night, we were invited to Leslie Jordan's one short man show which we were going to buy tickets to anyway. Leslie, who you may remember from the cult film SORDID LIVES as Brother boy or from his many cameos on sitcoms like Murphy Brown and Will and Grace as the campy short Southern queen, is originally from Tennesse and he and I met in Chattanooga when I was 18 and he was, uh.,, just out of his teens. We were part of the wild crowd at Chattanooga's trendier gay club Alan Gold's, from which Leslie still remembers that my sister Jaan. he Lady Jaan snatched the $300 prize and trophy for Best New Wave dancer in about 1982, Leslie recalled in mock bitterness. Bunny as you know her had not yet been born, but her brother had gotten pretty femme sporting B-52s-ish stirrup pants with thrift shop mod boots or sometimes an over-sized mini-dress length purple sweater with housewives' white Keds sneakers died pink with Rit dye and ...wait for the "punk" part...no socks or shoelaces! And let's not forget the Maybelline eyeliner pencil in the style of Cleopatra --one group of queens from Dalton, GA even called me Cleo!



But back to Leslie. When I moved to ATL in '82, Leslie headed to LA with $1200 in his pocket and bit by bit honed his acting skills and his alcohol and multiple drug adictions, which are chronicled in this adorable autobiographical show. Leslie's delivery is pure genius and the material is hilarious and sometimes touching, as he pulls out placards which mark different stages in his descent. I've been trying to catch his show for years but I always hit a town when Leslie'd just left it. They even arranged special seats for us with placards bearing our "names," which tickled Momma pink.



Not as much as Leslie's hysterical show. This fool is a natural born clown and very adept at physical comedy. But then again, I've been a fan ever since I met him. I recall him ruling at the Vine Street market where I was a "busgirl" to his waiter and I marvelled at his use of a red eyeliner pencil (in his boy drag) which really made those blue eyes sparkle. I imagine the red in the pencil also distracted from his bloodshot eyes--drugs and booze are heavily featured supporting actors in the cast of his show.

LESLIE JORDAN DRAGS UP FOR IN LAUGH OUT



As luck would have it, I went back to Atlanta a month later without mom to shoot a pilot for a gay comedy variety show called LAUGH OUT, with Leslie, a cartoon from Shirley Q. Liquor and a street performer named Baton Bob.



Even crazier, my mom and I had seen Baton Bob during our visit as he sashayed up Juniper Street in a St. Patrick's day tutu. What an unexpected taste of ye olde Midtown Atlanta's kookiness! Eager to snap him, mom couldn't get her camera to work, so I was able to send her my pix and tales of Bob from the shoot. (You may notice that I'm wearing the same dress, different wig!) One skit in LAUGH OUT called for Leslie to get in drag and compete with Baton Bob for a slot in the upcoming Gay Olympics. Naturally, campy Leslie dropped the baton every chance he got!





I can't predict whether or not the pilot will be picked up, but I was impressed with the high production value if LAUGH OUT. The producer even had cute li'l ol' director's chairs made with our names on them!





One featured extra was simply known as Hot Guy. Above he poses with Leslie--who's wearing a vintage Versace from WIll and Grace. Though he's not my type, Hot Guy IS hot. I'm no fan of the "abs-session" which has swept the nation, but his six pack does make you wanna run his tongue own the middle of that tummy twat, doesn't it? He actually said that he goes to the gym sometimes twice a day. Christ! 'm lucky if I make it twice a week!



Before we shot the show, I got a chance to not only meet a new myspace friend Spiro, but also eat dinner with drag legend Lily White. I had never spent any time with The Witch Queen of Punk Rock (as she billed herself in the 80's) so this was a rare treat to connect with a queen I had idolized since I was a teen. I'd bumped into her at clubs before and the last time was at Charlie Brown's Cabaret at Backstreet. Lily and I sat next to each other quite tanked, and when a beautiful, young queen named Raven entered the stage in a stunning black cock feather bikini and headdress, Lily nudged me and deadpanned "There's not a crow left alive in Atlanta." She had me howling at dinner too, claiming "I don't even drink anymore. Well, maybe just a little bit of peppermint Scnappps occasionally to freshen my breath. Some nights my breath gets so damn fresh I can hardly stand up!" Genius!

Lily pared down her gigs several years ago to take pair of her ailing parents. I was telling MY mom about Lily and how her dad had passed away but Lily was still in the sticks caring for her maw. I teased momma asking her "Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? Giving up your career to care for your parents? What is wrong with Lily?" To which mom replied "I like her. She's smart. I think you need to start hanging out with her more often." I am so lucky that I have a sweet, fun, accepting mom who will not only tolerate my sense of humor and understand that I'm not the caretaking kind, but who'll also accompany me to my gigs, wear my wigs and even out-mess me! If she's fallen in her own vomit I'd have to accuse the bitch of stealing my act!

REPUBLICAN INTO ENGLISH TRANSLATION

From Lady Strgyn: a Republican-to-English dictionary excerpt for those who've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

Alternative energy sources = New locations to drill for gas and oil


Bankruptcy = A means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not to poor people


"Burning Bush" = A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues


Cheney, Dick = The greater of two evils


Class warfare = Any attempt to raise the minimum wage


Climate change = Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans


Compassionate conservatism = Poignant concern for the very wealthy


Creation science = Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.


DeLay, Tom = Past tense of De Lie


Faith = The belief that the Beatitudes include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."


Free markets = Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense


Girly-men = Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women


God = Senior presidential adviser


Growth = 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.

2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.


Healthy forest = No tree left behind.


Honesty = Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.")


House of Representatives = Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate.)


Insanity = See: staying the course.


Laziness = When the poor are not working


Leisure time = When the wealthy are not working


Liberal(s) = Followers of the Antichrist


No Child Left Behind = There are always jobs in the military.


Ownership society = 1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners.


Patriot Act = 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

2. The elimination of one of the reasons they hate us.


Pro-life = Valuing human life up until birth


Senate = Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million


Simplify = To cut the taxes of Republican donors


Staying the course = Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity.)


Voter fraud = A significant minority turnout


Woman = 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.

2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

TONIE GATLIN

This gospel sangin' gal's got all the moves, from voguing to stripper to classic drag lip-synch choreography to karate chops--all in one song! And that song isn't A Taste of Honey's drag classic SUKIYAKI. Once known as one of the nation's top karate experts, Tonie has now denounced the martial arts in the name of the Lord, and even written a book (THE DARK SIDE OF KARATE) which clears up all the issues that a devout Christian who's trying to reconcile their love of karate with their faith must wrestle with. In other words, don't look for this book any the best-seller list.



Issues like:

* Learn why Tonie won't teach karate today and wants to warn others about it.

* Learn how many occult/New Age ideas and techniques popular today entered the United States through the martial arts and how to identify them.

* Learn about the powerful influences of feminism and lesbianism, the dangers of some Eastern religious techniques, and the real meaning of the popular dragon symbol in the martial arts.

* Hear Biblical answers to “hard” questions, such as the use of martial arts techniques for police, the military, women, and children.

The book is actually sounding better. (Hint! Hint! My birthday's in August!) A few of the chapters:

1 ● Enter the Dragon. Tonie is ripe to train to kill.

2 ● Embracing the Fire: / The Woman & the Movement. Enter the Dragon spearheaded a worldwide martial arts revival.

3 ● Winds of Change. Inside the martial arts.

4 ● Root to Flower. Tonie only wants to learn self-defense but instead ends up in the New Age. Why?

5 ● The Way of the Dragon. The old Amazon legends are providing countless women with warlike role models today.

6 ● The Dragon Returns. Tonie’s own game of death was well underway with a broken marriage, six abortions, and lesbianism when she met Jesus Christ.


What's insane is that she's now singing gospel music, complete with karate-like movements which just have to be seen to be believed. But she does get that good spin in at the end. But after watching the video again and googling Tonie, she's actually lip-synching to Vickie WInans and using sign language, which she learned so that her hands could be used to teach instead of harm with demonic Eastern occultish martial arts. I'm sure it's one the best shows that the Singing Hands ministry for the deaf has ever seen, but it remains an exercise in lunacy, if ya ask me. And speaking of lunacy, can someone explain her Robin Hood-ish oaf's hat?

WATCH TONIE: YOUTUBE

MAMA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG!

Totally new silhouette! Very Leigh Bowery, gurl! (Click pic to enlarge.)

NATURE'S BOSOM

Hilarious video sketch on WORLDOFWONDER

Also, scroll on down from this video to watch Larry Tee and Lahoma Van Zandt at Disco 2000's Hot Body Contest.

OLD MJ DIRT

Christ! Even his old dirt is intense! This is from the 300th issue of POPBITCH, a newsletter available at www.popbitch.com.

>> "No Squeaks Motherfucker!" <<
Quincy Jones gets the best of out Jacko

Lord Delawdy writes:
"A friend of mine was in Los Angeles 79 thru 87.
Michael Jackson had had a huge hit with Off The
Wall, and was recording the follow up.

"The sessions were arranged for a very late start,
and, after a night on the town, my mate popped
around to the studio to see the producer.

"He got into the control room to find that
everyone's attention was fixed on the glass
window. On the other side, Quincy Jones was kicking
a pile of rags on the floor while shouting
"Silent, you motherfucker! I said NO SQUEAKS!"

"It turned out the pile of rags was a gibbering
Michael Jackson. They were recording a new song
called Billie Jean, and Michael had decided
to fill every gap with his trademark whoops,
clicks and squeaks. Quincy, however, had decided
that the track would be a pared down.

"After several hours of trying to get the
singer to do what he wanted, and having consumed
large quantities of ragedust, Jones had finally
snapped and attacked the poor freak. Needless
to say, after the outburst, MJ sang the song
how he was told to, and the rest is history."

370H-SSV 0773H

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370H_SSV 0773H

Bush was baffled so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue so they went to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA and then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked the Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back to the White House: "Tell the president he's holding the message upside down"

POSSIBLY THE SADDEST...

...link ever: a drag queen who shall remain nameless sent me this trash:

CAREERBUILDER

FOR THE LOVE OF DOLLY

There's a new documentary about Dolly Parton fans of which I shore am one.

SYNOPSIS: Tai Uhlmann’s documentary vividly illuminates the Dolly Parton fan phenomenon by focusing on the human stories of five of the entertainer’s most devoted followers. Interviews mixed with scenes from everyday life show how Dolly’s simple message of self-acceptance transforms their lives and inspires them to quasi-religious acts of devotion.

(I'm not sure that someone with as much plastic surgery as Dolly is sending a message of self-acceptance, but I'm definitely down with expressing quasi-religious acts of devotion to big-tittied, blonde wig-wearing, rhinestone afficionados.)

NEW YORK:
NewFest
Sunday 06/11 6PM
AMC Theater 6
*All screenings take place at the AMC Loews 34th St Theater (at 8th Ave)
http://www.newfest.org/cgi-bin/iowa/index.html

PTOWN:
Provincetown International Film Festival
June 14-18 (don't have screening date yet)
http://www.ptownfilmfest.org/

SAN FRANCISCO:
Frameline
Sat. June 17 5:30 p.m.
Victoria Theatre
http://www.frameline.org/

LOS ANGELES
Outfest
July 6-17 (don't have screening date yet)
http://www.outfest.org/

OBAMA!

AP Rocker Neil Young may want Senator Barack Obama to run for president, but the freshman Democratic senator from Illinois isn't having any of it -- at least not yet. In his latest album, Living With War, Young mentions Obama in the song Lookin' for a Leader. In it, Young sings of America's need for a new leader, singing, "Yeah maybe it's Obama, but he thinks that he's too young."

God, I wish that stud would get elected! Think of the money I'd save on porn with that stud on TV every night! In addition to being liberal and a charismatic speaker, ISN'T HE FUCKING GORGEOUS???? (OK, my brief fantasy is over.)

NORA ON CRUISE

Nora Ephron on Huffpo: "Cruise has become the new Michael Jackson..." A fun read with some great readers comments folling it. Like this one:

How dare you insult Michael Jackson that way.

Tom Cruise is the new LaToya Jackson!

READ IT: HUFFPO

PUN INTENDED

Alexandra Von Raisin sent me these dreadfully corny puns. GET READY TO CRINGE AND GROAN!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"!

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't – I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

RANDI RHODES ON CNN LAST NIGHT

MUST-SEE TV! Love hearing her call Bush a "war criminal" on prime time news! If you don't her by now, I hope this incisive commentary will lead you to check out her daily radio broadcasts on Air America 3-7PM. I challenge you to give her a listen and not want to get invloved in de-clawing the worst president in our history!

WATCH: VIRTUALMATTER

MISSION: BEST BUY

These nuts assembled 80 members of their IMPROV EVERYWHERE comedy troupe to put on Best Buy employee looks and enter the store pretending to work there--until they were kicked out by the puzzled employees. The story, with photos, is pretty hysterical.

IMPROVEVERYWHERE

HARMONICA SUNBEAM

A horrible thing has happened. Legendary drag performer of Escuelita fame has been fighting a vicious battle with HIV for years and recently almost succumbed to the disease while hospitalized. What bad luck! We were almost rid of her once and for all and somehow, she began to improve slowly. But she still needs help getting back on her big-ass feet while she recuperates. And just because you have AIDS doesn't mean that your PCP addiction disappears, and it's such a hard drug to find hard and very expensive these days. She also needs help with her evil attitude and hateful sass-mouth, but let's take it one problem at a time. If you can't make one of the events but are a fan who still wants to help out, you can either make a donation or purchase one of her insane videos on her website: HARMONICASUNBEAM.COM as you can see from the mismatched gold shoes worn with a silvery gray dress in this photo, Harmoica will probably also accept doantions of size 12 high heels or a gold dress.

May 18 at Langston's (Brooklyn)
May 22 at Love (Manhattan)

Harmonica Sunbeam, one of New York’s fiercest and funniest comediennes and gender illusionists, is on hiatus from the stage; too frail to work while recuperates from HIV-related complications. Thankfully, she’s on the mend, but she’s racked up some serious medial bills. Harmonica is also one of the millions of Americans who can’t afford health insurance, and if she ain’t on stage, her bills ain’t paid, OK? So some of her friends and fans have organized two benefits to help her out during her time of need so she can stay afloat. Harmonica has dazzled audiences for years, from her long-term residence at La Escuelita to Gay Pride celebrations around the nation to Wigstock, and now she needs your help. Please help pay her back for all the laughs she’s provided us, and make it out to one of the two benefits. One’s in Brooklyn, and one’s in Manhattan.

Performers and DJs are still being confirmed, but check out harmonica’s website for up to the minute additions:
http://www.harmonicasunbeam.com/archives/2006/04/upcoming_events.html

BENEFIT #1

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Langston's
1073 Atlantic Ave. between Franklin Ave. and Classon Ave.
10pm-4am
Minimum donation $10.

Presented and hosted by Master Rob and friends

Performances at 11:30 sharp by:
Darryl D’Bonneau
Tyra Allure
Karen Covergirl
Rapper Shorty Roc
Luscious
Jevon Dijonae
Miss Lady Pearl

DJs include:
LA Thomas
Ken Terry
Fred Pierce
DJ Angel C
DJ Unknown

Press contact: Master Rob at (917) 548-3389.


BENEFIT #2

Monday, May 22, 2006
“Love for Harmonica”

Love
40 West Eighth Street at MacDougal Street (entrance on MacDougal Street)
9pm until the party ends!
Suggested donation: $10

Performances by: Sherry Vine, Dirty Martini, the World Famous *BOB*, and Black Doll, with many more to yet be confirmed!

DJs: Fred Pierce, Troy Parrish, Ken Terry, DJ Relentless, Steve “Chip-Chop” Gonzalez, Adam Goldstone.

Plus special giveaways and prizes.

We would like to acknowledge Love's owner Steven Weber, who has *very* generously given us use of the space for this benefit and is donating the entire bar's profits as well as the door to Harmonica. Now that's "love!"

GET SIRIUS!

Or if you already have it, tune in this Thursday evening from 7-9PM Eastern time as I host their 3rd anniversary party with all the hosts of OUTQ 106, their gay channel, with a live set from Dufus Ain't Right--I mean Rufus Wainwright!

NO MOTHER'S DAY GIFT?

Then why not pay tribute to the pussy you popped out of by whipping up a batch of these adorable cuntcakes?

MILITARY RECRUITING THE AUTISTIC

Hey, I know this story isn't going to cheer anyone up, but I feel compelled to share this tragic article with everyone I know in case they aren't aware of wrong things have gone. And Bush is now threatening a new war against Iran?!? Him and whose army? Who's left to recruit to fight this new war since recruiters have already exhausted the candidates who they helped cheat on their entry exams, criminals whose ineligibility was relaxed for recruitment, and now autistic kids like this 18 year old who is terrified of loud noises--and he's being sent to one of the most dangerous posts? Soon, they might even have to start tapping into the gay community for recruits, for chrissakes! Get out your handkerchief for this one.


From the Oregonian:

Sunday, May 07, 2006

by MICHELLE ROBERTS

Jared Guinther is 18. Tall and lanky, he will graduate from Marshall High School in June. Girls think he's cute, until they try to talk to him and he stammers or just stands there -- silent.

Diagnosed with autism at age 3, Jared is polite but won't talk to people unless they address him first. It's hard for him to make friends. He lives in his own private world.

Jared didn't know there was a war raging in Iraq until his parents told him last fall -- shortly after a military recruiter stopped him outside a Southeast Portland strip mall and complimented him on his black Converse All Stars.

"When Jared first started talking about joining the Army, I thought, 'Well, that isn't going to happen,' " said Paul Guinther, Jared's father. "I told my wife not to worry about it. They're not going to take anybody in the service who's autistic."

But they did. Last month, Jared came home with papers showing that he not only had enlisted, but also had signed up for the Army's most dangerous job: cavalry scout. He is scheduled to leave for basic training Aug. 16.

FULL STORY: OREGONLIVE

ALFRED E. NEWMAN VS DUBYA

NEWMANVSDUBYA

LE PISS AND LE POO

Runway that will make them run away! This new fashion video truly is THE SHIT:

LEPISSANDLEPOO

NEW BIBLE WARNING

CLICK ON THE PHOTO TO ENLARGE AND READ! SO TRUE!

MEXICAN DAY OF MOURNING

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic (!) was
carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for
the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th (2 days ago).

Too bad the ship didn't hit an iceberg lettuce! (OK, I'm through now.)

NIGHT OF 1000 STEVIES

Since 1990, Jackie 60 has presented this annual homage to the incredible Stevie Knicks. This year, the tamborine-shaking, gauze-y, handerchief hemline-infested trollapalooza will be held May 19th (THANKS FOR THE CORRECTION!) at the Knitting Factory. Click here to view the invite: MOTHERNYC



One of the highlights of last year's show was a duet between tranny nightlife star Codie Ravioli (below, with the Pabst) and her actual son. Who knows what this year's festivities will bring? Well, other than this buxom white-wing dove, who shows up from Lord-knows-where each year.



I have only attended the event once, but trust me, it's pandemonium. I love Fleetwood Mac and find Stevie fascinating. Is that story true about her performing in a specially-designed boot with a tube which ran up to the top of the gauze-y dress so that she could snort cocaine discreetly whilst in concert? And if so, does anyone have a picture of the design of said boot? I'm VERY curious about how that boot worked! What? It's just my natural curiosity!

IF YOU THINK THIS IS A FREAK...

...you're right. It's a myspace buddy named FADE-RA. (I wonder if that's an internet-speak spelling of Phaedra, and if so, is Phaedra possibly referring to the Phaedra mentioned in the Nancy Sinatra/Lee Hazelwood tripped-out tune which the late great Wendy Wild (boo hoo!) once sang with the Fleshtones/The Mad Violets at an early Wigstock. Or is FADE-RA a fan of greek mythology? Someone please research this and get back to me by the end of the day as it plainly affects our national security. OK, so I'm a freak, too. But no one can trump these fucking freaks, shot in an 80's SoCal dance/therapy course in which the participants are encouraged to "FREAK OUT." I hereby dedicate the posting of this video to BEME SEED, my old roommate from Atlanta who could've taught the class in this video. Originally known as Kathleen Lynch, according to TROUSERPRESS , She's also known as

"the Stripper," whose stage antics helped propel Butthole Surfers to infamy. In most ways, her band is on its own plane — the quartet opened an entire tour for the Surfers simply by showing up at gigs unannounced, setting up and playing. Lacking the minimal organization of even the Sun City Girls, Beme Seed captures unique psychic qualities on its three opaque and unsettling records.

For starters, Beme Seed is one long, orgiastic tuneup, with lots of chanting and squealing over guitar feedback and erratic pulsing rumble. Lynch's band has the same paranormal quality as her dance act. The few snippets of sustained songs are simplistic and ceremonial-complete with speaking in tongues. Sounding more like a hazy memory than an actual recording of music, the album's unrelenting tension can be panic-inducing. Whether the band is coming or going, it leaves a bewildering impression."

BUNNY NOTE: So does Beme in her video GOD INSIDE , in which she sports a long, stringy beard, shaved eyebrows and aluminum teeth accents!

My, I've been blessed with the company of some top-notch freaks in my day! And as someone recently reminded me, I am credited on a Lunachicks album for a specialty burp I recorded on it! Who'd have thought that a disco queen like me would have connections with the underground rock scene??? I recently re-connected with Beme Lynch/Kathleen Seed on mspace. Her profile can be found here: BEMESEED

THE 80's DANCE/THERAPY VIDEO: FREAKOUTCLASS

More freaks in this Lahoma Van Zandt-shot footage from one of Michael Alig's infamous outlaw parties. Michael's clever concept was that freaks en masse and en messe would descend on a public place whether McDonald's or a construction site. This one's located at a Times Square Twin Donut shoppe and features Leigh Bowery, James St. James, and Amanda LePore, who's coyly munching a donut!

Lahoma's Twin Donut Revue: TWINDONUTOUTLAWPARTY

SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT BUSH

How tragic is this?


BERLIN (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush told a German newspaper his best moment in more than five years in office was catching a big perch in his own lake.

"You know, I've experienced many great moments and it's hard to name the best," Bush told weekly Bild am Sonntag when asked about his high point since becoming president in January 2001.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound (3.402 kilos) perch in my lake," he told the newspaper in an interview published on Sunday.

WHOLE ARTICLE: REUTERS


BUSH HATERS: You might enjoy this animation celebration of Stephen Colbert's recent goat-getting of the president.

HUFFPO

NEED HELP WITH SPRING CLEANING?

I know I do! Here is a site with plenty of peppy dance music to make those chores zip by! Most of the dj's sets are available with a choice of play, download or mp3. I don't know what that means exactly, but for now, it will have to mean, if my computer-ignorant ass can manage to make 'em play, then anybody's ass can!

DEEPHOUSEPAGE.COM

It's got WBMX vintage mixes from Frankie Knuckles, Farley Jackmaster Funk, and one of my fav's, which is by Ralphie Rosario.

RALPHIEROSARIO

This 80's musical revival is so annoying to me because I was around in the '80's, and trust me, so little of the good dance music from then is being revived! Want an excellent refresher? This mix from Ralphie ends with one ghastly song, but honey! It takes you on a a journey back to 1986 which kicks off with Alicia Myers' (of I WANT TO THANK YOU fame) YOU GET THE BEST FROM ME (SAY IT) and revisits some stompers like Stephanie Mills' THE MEDICINE SONG, Loleatta Holloway's explosive freestyle number CRASH GOES LOVE, and that unbelievable jam which I can't identify by name, but it's the hook is "I'm so glad I got you/You're my wonderful/Wonderfu-u-l"

Here's a mix of new, soulful house by Lisa Moody, Ultra Nate's dj partner at their regular Sugar party in Balltimore.

LISAMOODY

If rare, classic disco and funk is your cup of tea, this divine mix by John Crockett wil do the trick. This is my introduction to Mr. Crockett, who has always been spoken of in reverent terms in the dance community. Now I know why! He kills on this mix. And remember that Ashford and Simpson review I posted a week ago? This fool has even included an Ashford and Simpson album cut which I mentioned, GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. This must be heard by everyone NOW!

JOHNCROCKETT

This mix by Lee Collins starts with a mix of Faith Evans underrated recent release MESMERIZED. The album version was heard briefly on MTV around Xmas, and the Freemason's remix is fun, but whatever version Lee's set begins with cannot be touched. Can someone please tell me where I can go in NYC to hear music lke this? Until I find out, at least there's this great site. With this smokin' Faith remix. Click here if you don't believe me:

LEECOLLINS

THANKS TO DEEPHOUSEPAGE.COM FOR UNEARTHING THESE GEMS! ENJOY!

INTERVIEW MAGAZINE

is often puzzling to me. Though it was THE scenester's bible in the early 80's, it often seems like the "up-and-coming" stars they feature never go anywhere and you get the idea that these "stars" are getting coverage because their publicists took Interview's editors out to better restaurants for pitch lunches. Still, Ellen von Unworth and Greg Gorman do take some great photographs and the format of candid dialogues can be fascinating. It can also be rotten.

In their PIN-UP issue, I was thrilled to see that the mag excerpted Ava Gardner's new biography, LOVE IS NOTHING by Lee Server. Lypsinka claims that this book glosses over Ava's alleged bisexuality. I don't know whether she was bi or not, but what a smoldering sexpot is she! Who wouldn't want her? And she got what she wanted. She and Lana Turner both dated the fascinating Dominican-born (ie: horse-hung Hollywood playboy Porfirio Rubirosa and both also dated bullfighters, even flying there to shack up with them occasionally. And Johnny Stompanato, the mobster who Lana's daughter killed when she saw him beating mommy, was also a third-legged horse man. Love it! Bi-sexual Hollywood size queens with a penchant for swarthy lovers! I think I could run with 'em!

But how on earth did I get onto to the topic of giant cocks? Anyhoo,I know it was the style of her era, but it's tough to look so tempting in such short hair! But she does.





She's so alluring and suggestive that these pix I found online where she attempts to smile sweetly don't seem true to her public image.





Still, you have to give points to any publicity portrait which features a frilly umbrella, right? The new biography details her love affair with Frank Sinatra. Though they divorced in 1957, Frank continued to speak of her as his true love and was happy to foot her medical bills in her dying days. And speaking of "foot", how about this juicy quote from the bio. Ava was introducing Frank at a rally for democrat Adlai Stevenson, and someone approached her backstage an said "'Hey Ava, Sinatra's career is over, he can't sing anymore...what do you see in this guy? He's just a 119-pound has-been." And Ava says, very demurely, no venom, just very cool, in the most perfect ladylike diction, "Well, I'll tell you--19 pounds is cock.'"


This interview also has a fun interview between the creators of WONDER SHOWZEN and SOUTH PARK, an excellent pairing. But can someone explain why anyone would think to pair artsy folk singer Devendra Banhart with Lindsay Lohan for a chat? Senseless! You almost can't like one without hating the other! In the table of contents, This is how Interview describes their chat: "

THE RED HOT BOHEMIAN

DEVENDRA BANHART BY LINDSAY LOHAN

"With his hippie hair, experimental songs, and romantic flair for countercultures of yore, he's a bell-bottomed beacon in music's sea of assemby-line blandness."

Oh, so pick the blandest assembly-line diva brat to interview him! Good idea. Which yields illuminating discourse like this:



LL: You have such nice writing. It looks like the writing on your record.

DB: I also brought you a book of drawings that came with the reords I made.

LL: Did you do them too? They're very Yoko Ono.

(Great! Where's the trash can? This dumb book can't fit in my Fendi bag!)

DB: Oh, I love her.

LL: Let's see, what do we want to start with? I came up with some fun pop-up questions.

DB: I like the whole "What are you thinking right now?" thing.

(No, like the how long is this excrutiating interview going to bore me in my earnest but cool Lindsay the journalist mode?)

LL: I like that too.

(I imagine both are cringing at the lack of comraderie by this point.)

DB: That's fun. Okay, what are you thinking right now? Just whatever pops into your head.

LL: I just walked into the Mercer Hotel...

DB: An image. It doesn't matter. It could just be a thing.

(Lindsay's probably thinking "Like ew! I thought I was supposed to be interviewing this freak, not the other way around.")

LL: I see you smoking a cigarette?

(Asking, as she obviously can't conjure an image or have her schizzy mind focus on any one thing. So she turns it around on him Stop, bitter Bunny! Let her grow beyond the Lindsay you know!)

LL: What are you thinking?

DB: Red backpack.

LL: Why red backpack?

DB: I don't know. It was just the first thing that popped into my head.

LL: Did you see someone walk in with a backpack?

(Read: Paparazzi! There's probably a camera in that backpack! Get my make-up artist to check my nose to see if it needs powder. Or if there's any powder residue near my nostrils.)

DB: I didn't.



Doesn't that seem like a vital discourse between two future soulmates? To their credit, the interview does improve, and Lindsay even surprises by "not subscribing to any one religion" and agreeing with Devendra that Bush is the worst president ever. So I give her points for that. And as they progress, he opens up with longer answers and he seems like an entertaining international kook. So maybe that was the trade-off. Have Lindsay the star pump up this freaky folkster's career and give him a little mainstream push. He's handsome enough for mainstream. I'm backing off now. But do you catch my drift at all? Was the excerpt of their chat not painfully awkward? Would that be the reaction anytime Lindsay interviews someone outside her set? Or is all this Interview's joke on us? Are they begging to be called the emeror's new magazine while they happily keep raking in the high-priced ads and providing pretty pictures to a dumber and dumber and ay less cooler readership?

CONGRATS TO MOKHA MONTRESE!

She's the newly crowned Miss Shining Star Continental. I don't exactly know what that means, but Mokha looks sensational, don't she? To quote a queen Lypsinka once discussed drag pageants with in Jackson, Mississippi, "It's not they gown. It's not they talent. It's how they paint they mug."

"GOATS DON'T HAVE AIDS"

From DJ Jonty Skruff's newsletter which you can sign up for by popping by WWW>SKRUFFF>COM

Goat Lover Marries His Mate

A Sudanese man caught having sex with a goat escaped jail in March when the
animal's owner caught him in flagranti, tied him up and handed him over to the
local village elders instead.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry
for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the Juba Post
newspaper.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr
Alifi added.

The story emerged over three years after South Africa's National Societies for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (NSPCA) issued an alert about boys from
Nzhelele Valley in the Northern Province, having sex with goats, after a TV
documentary featured teenagers boasting they used goats as a safe sex
substitute.

"We know about Aids and we are very afraid of it. That is why we are having sex
with these goats. Goats don't have Aids," one boy told SABC, while another
admitted they shared the same goats as partners.

"We see people in the village dying every day. It's because they have slept with
one another and infected each other. Goats can't get those infections. We would
therefore rather have sex with them," he explained.

A REAL "WOODY"

This is an actual emergency room photo of a fisherman who lost control of
his high-speed bass boat in West Virginia. Warden's believe that he was
traveling at a speed of approximately 75 mph at the time of the accident.
He was unable to negotiate a curve in the narrow waterway. Unfortunately
for him, upon striking the shoreline and being ejected from the boat, he
landed back end first on an old fence post. You can probably picture what
happened next, but the attached picture really says it all. The good news
is that after about 6 months,this man made a full recovery after suffering a
shattered hip, broken leg, several broken ribs, internal injuries and
soft tissue damage. Doctors credited his recovery to the fact that the
post lodged itself so tightly that there was little or no blood loss.

>>Now that's got to hurt!!!

>>DON'T DRIVE THAT FISHING BOAT TOO FAST!!!!!

(Someone actually sent me this accompanied by the story. I'm not sure why. Maybe they thought I was fish and so I'd rejoice at this blow to my mortal enemy. I don't think it's funny, but it certainly is remarkable.)

I'NET SCANDAL!

Shocker from moveon.org. Don't sleep on this petition, people. Takes 2 secs only and forward, forward, forwward. You wouldn't be on my site if you didn't like sick shit! So let's keep it sick...and free!

Subject: Congress is selling out the Internet

Hi,
Do you buy books online, use Google, or download to an iPod? Everything we do online will be hurt if Congress passes a radical law next week that gives giant corporations more control over what we do and see on the Internet.

Internet providers like AT&T are lobbying Congress hard to gut Network Neutrality--the Internet's First Amendment and the key to Internet freedom. Net Neutrality prevents AT&T from choosing which websites open most easily for you based on which site pays AT&T more. BarnesandNoble.com doesn't have to outbid Amazon for the right to work properly on your computer.

If Net Neutrality is gutted, many sites--including Google, eBay, and iTunes--must either pay protection money to companies like AT&T or risk having their websites process slowly. That why these high-tech pioneers, plus diverse groups ranging from MoveOn to Gun Owners of America, are opposing Congress' effort to gut Internet freedom.

You can do your part today--can you sign this petition telling your member of Congress to preserve Internet freedom? Click here:

MOVEON.ORG

I signed this petition, along with 250,000 others so far. This petiton will be delivered to Congress before the House of Representatives votes next week. When you sign, you'll be kept informed of the next steps we can take to keep the heat on Congress.

Snopes.com, which monitors various causes that circulate on the Internet, explained:

Simply put, network neutrality means that no web site's traffic has precedence over any other's...Whether a user searches for recipes using Google, reads an article on snopes.com, or looks at a friend's MySpace profile, all of that data is treated equally and delivered from the originating web site to the user's web browser with the same priority. In recent months, however, some of the telephone and cable companies that control the telecommunications networks over which Internet data flows have floated the idea of creating the electronic equivalent of a paid carpool lane.

If companies like AT&T have their way, Web sites ranging from Google to eBay to iTunes either pay protection money to get into the "fast lane" or risk opening slowly on your computer. We can't let the Internet--this incredible medium which has been such a revolutionary force for democratic participation, economic innovation, and free speech--become captive to large corporations.

Politicians don't think we are paying attention to this issue. Together, we do care about preserving the free and open Internet.

Please sign this petition letting your member of Congress know you support preserving Internet freedom. Click here:

MOVEON.ORG

Thanks!

XAVIER ONASSIS BLOOMINGDALE

CHECK OUT THIS QUEEN FROM DC'S MYSPACE PHOTO PAGE--MAKE SURE YOU READ THE PHOTO'S CAPTIONS! HOT!

MYSPACE

ANDERSON POOP-ER

NYPOST.COM

Maybe CNN will get the message that news should be news and not newsmodels or personalities. CNN is still trying to milk Anderson's dramatic Katrina coverage in ads for his show, showing the youngish hunk in action gear--a hard hat, I think it is. And Terry Fucking Schaivo would seem dramatic against the backdrop of Katrina! Well, maybe Anderson's ratings will rise when hurricane season swirls by again. Until then, Aaron Brown (who Cooper replaced) is smiling somewhere.

And just for the record, did anyone see the recent news report from Past Christian, Mississippi? The town's goal before hurricanes may swirl through next season? To gather up the large pieces of debris so that when hurricane season does begin in one month's time, the debris won't be whirled around and cause additonal harm. Leave that for the new debris that this years' hurricanes (hopefully won't) bring. Just shows how far our great and prosperous land of equality has come with the Katrina reconstruction efforts. Oh, but we've got enough resources to start a new war with Iran. Just not enough to clean up debris that's been lying there in since August in our own country.

DYKE DOLLS!

Just when you thought RuPaul and Amanda LePore had cornered the plastic pussy market, along comes a full liine of dyke dolls. This here's Diesel Dyke!



Look out Billy and Carlos! These girls even come with accessories. Like scarves, jewelry and purses, you ask? Hell no! Like dildoes, you dumb-ass!



Please clarify, lesbian readers. Are they putting the dildo-holding harnesses on over the underwear so that the fake dick can't penetrate the cunt of the dildo wearer cuz she is the top? Or is that just for modesty?

Another burning question. They offer a Baby Dyke collection which includes this corn-rowed, sporty doll named Badness, which is offered in either a purple uniform or in teal. Uh, since when do dykes have enough fashion sense to choose between two colors? I'm kidding. But it reminds me of an old Barbara Patterson Lloyd joke.



"I walked into a store and saw a dress I liked. I asked the clerk if they had it in teal. And she said until when?"

NOT FOR RENT

The new HX conducts a candid interview with Jason Preston, the former rentboy who's now seeing Marc Jacobs and even has Marc's logo tattooed on his arm. Too bad they can't show his huge, fat cock which only someone who might have window-shopped once or twice daily on rentboy.com might have seen! Oink!

HX.COM

JAIME MORALES

This illustration was featured in the new Genre. I wouldn't know. I write for them but didn't get a copy. Sheesh! OK, so maybe I did get one and didn't read it! It must've arrived at the same time my octogenarian Iraqi female-to-male porn mags did and it got lost in the shuffle. I'll have to find it. But I can't imagine why Jackie would be looking at me with that jealous, exasperated expression on her 50-pounds-ago face, but I'm just thrilled to know that there's a hot, young Puerto Rican man in NYC picturing me (60 pounds ago) with my legs spread while he brandishes his tool. Or tools, rather, as in illustration tools? Cheap, I know. And I know no one actually uses anything but a computer to illustrate these days, so I'm dating myself. Well? No one else wants to! Ba-dum-pum! But if you'd like to check out more of Jaime Morales' work, visit his cool site at:

JAIMEMORALES

GRANDMASTER BUSH?

HUFFPO

FASHION WAAAAAY FORWARD

WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER SEX?

---------------------------------------------------
Aries... I' m hungry, pass the pizza.
----------------------------------------------------
Taurus... Okay, Ok lets do it again...
----------------------------------------------------
Gemini... Have you seen the TV remote?
-----------------------------------------------------
Cancer... When are we getting married?
-----------------------------------------------------
Leo... Wasn't I fantastic?
-----------------------------------------------------
Virgo... I need to wash the sheets.
-----------------------------------------------------
Libra... I liked it if you liked it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Scorpio... Perhaps I should untie you.
----------------------------------------------------
Sagittarius... Don't call me, I'll call you.
----------------------------------------------------
Capricorn... Do you have a business card?
----------------------------------------------------
Aquarius.... Now let's do it again and again and again and again...
----------------------------------------------------
Pisces... What did you say your name was?
------------------------------------------------------

JUST SAY NO

FROM THE LATEST POPBITCH.COM NEWSLETTER:

Mexican standoff over drug laws

Mexican President Vicente Fox declared that he
would sign a bill to legalise recreational drug
use in Mexico. But sadly yesterday he reneged.
Initial reports have suggested it was due to
tremendous pressure from America. But we think
an even higher power than George Bush was
involved - God. Five children in Mexico city
were killed when a large metal cross they were
praying at was struck by lightning....

Just Say No... to God!

FYI: Watch the 1986 White House sponsored Just Say No video featuring a young Whitney Houston!

BUNNY NOTE: Beautiful Whitney, wearing a foundation only make-up look, is such a baby in this, and singing alongside Toni Basil, Latoya Jackson (both have legendarily teensy nose whittles), Arnold (with his old teeth) Schwarzenneger and even Nancy Reagan!

YOUTUBE

GOD'S BANANAS!

Several people had sent me this video of an annoying Aussie attemtpting to prove God's existence by peeling a banana. It's ridiculous enough on it's own, but watch it, and then please read the insightful comment by InHouston below from a site called www.hungangels.com. It's basically a forum for tranny-chasers where members weigh in on everything from God and bananas to shemale goddesses and their bananas. Like this packin' princess:



Our Dear Lord has placed so many mind-boggling wonders on this earth! Here's the banana video:

MYSPACE


Here are two comments I enjoyed on the video from WWW.HUNGANGELS.COM

InHouston writes:

As he holds the banana in his hand, I recall a poignant line by Spock in the Star Trek movie The Voyage Home, “It is the height of human arrogance to assume it must be meant for man.” What amazes me is that they have the means to tour around the world promoting God’s grand scheme to people, and yet don’t even understand the mere basis and purpose of the banana he holds in his very hand.

Ironically, the very characteristics of the banana he claims to be created by God to perfectly suit man, are the very characteristics evolved into the banana (and all fruits) by Nature to attract animals to them. Animals (that includes humans) are attracted to fruits, and those fruits are the very wombs that carry the plant’s seeds. As animals carry the fruit away to eat it, they scatter the seeds around the ground resulting in the propagation of that plant. Banana plants (like so many) would not have survived had they been putrid, difficult to tear open and beyond the reach of animals. However, there are no seeds in the bananas that you and I eat, because they were cultivated by man for so many years they co-evolved with man to eventually lose their seeds. In the case of banana plants, they reproduce asexually at the root level underground, and are greatly assisted in this by man’s worldwide cultivation and distribution of the plant. Humans for the most part, encourage the reproduction of banana plants, not God. The banana plant no longer needs seeds, because humans cultivate the plant all around the world for consumption.

The guy on the right is Kirk Cameron, formerly the star of the sitcom “Growing Pains”. He's a regular on television on the Christian Trinity Broadcast Network (TBN). He claims he was an atheist during his teen-star days, and was converted to Christianity by a friend who took him to church one day. A little background research reveals that he was a spoiled little brat as a teen-star who was waited on hand and foot. “When I wanted something, I got it. That was my reality” quotes Kirk Cameron. When he went to church, discussions of sin made him feel very guilty, and he was subsequently won over by Christianity. Basically, he pompously walked around telling people he was an atheist, and had no real understanding as to ‘why’ he was an atheist, only to be inevitably swooned by the redemptive rapture of religion.

He now stars in b-grade fundamentalist Christian movies. He has a show on TBN where sometimes they have interesting street encounters where they will try to witness to someone, and sometimes the person being witnessed to will be a staunch atheist and they fail miserably to convert the person. Surprisingly, he will allow such failed segments to air uncensored on his show. Some people have gotten very hostile with him. He approached a homeless transsexual drug addict on the street in San Francisco and said "You know God can save you." The transsexual immediately jumped up and (deservingly) started shoving Cameron all over the sidewalk. Again, to my surprise, they allowed that segment to air on his show. At least he's honest about some people's resistance to religion. One time they were in Saudi Arabia at Mecca, and a Muslim was repeatedly spitting on Cameron as he preached to the crowd. Maybe he should have been holding up the banana as indisputable proof of the Christian god.

And here's another good point from Felicia Katt, a Hung Angel whose thoughts turn to seafood, unsurprisingly:

I saw that segment, and thought about substituting a crab or a lobster or artichoke for the banana. How intelligently easy to eat are their divine designs?

TOUCHE!

I urge all of you to poke around on HUNGANGELS.COM

Whether you're a tranny-chaser or love web-surfing, these folks are discussing everything from tranny-hooker reviews, to tranny porn (one was disappointed by a pre-op porn star's inability to shoot far or enough), Stephen Colbert and fetishes like trannies with low-hanging lady-nuts like this one!



This site provies hours of entertainment! Here's one entry called HOW TO BECOME A PIMP, HUNG ANGELS STYLE:

Step 1: Get a few of the girls that might seem a little down on their luck (immigration wise, or financially [or both]) and tell them they can make some quick $$$.

{translation: I'm gonna hustle this bitch for everything I can and she won't have a choice because I can easily get her deported}

Step 2: Promise them that 80% of their earnings will go towards some lawyer the pimp knows that will get them citizenship (your typical lawyer wants a minimum of $10k to even take on the case)

{translation: I really have no power over citizenship and if they were smart they'd see that going through the proper circles would be easier than dealing with me, oh well....................}

Step 3: Tell them they will have an apartment, a cell phone, etc.

{translation: I'm gonna go to Home Depot and buy 3 sheets of plywood and divide this one room into 2 rooms and tell this bitch welcome to America here's your apartment, then I'm gonna hustle her ass out of $300 for a $100 prepay cellphone package.....................}

Step 4: Tell them they will be able to perform on stage once a week at a club or bar and make some added income....................

{translation: I'm gonna take 40% of whatever she makes for going on stage and then hustle another 40% of what she makes out of her by supplying her with enough narcotics to get her through the night.......}


Thanks for this info! I'm gonna re-think my plans to start hooking when I finally become legal!

SEX OVER THE PHONE

Post-success, unknown Village People 80's video. A couple original members are still in the group, and it starts off with that sexy Felipe Rose, not in his Indian headdress for once. I don't think this is the original lead vocalist, but they always had a great one and this one's no different. I didn't say the song was great, but it's high 80's camp!

YOUTUBE

THE HIV WATCHERS

is the title of an interesting, issue-raising article in last week's Village Voice by Aina Hunter, which can still be found on the Voice's site at VILLAGEVOICE

To summarize with a few quotes from the article, AIDS activists aren't pleased with the Department of Health's draft of a bill which would change the way New York "handles the medical records of people with HIV/AIDS." The new bill would also "simplify the process health care providers must follow before testing for HIV." Chanting "Our bodies, our lives, train the doctors, nix the spies!", 40 representatives of advocacy groups including GMHC and the New York Civil Liberties Union marched out of the community forum to indicate their disgust with the provisions in Dpt of Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden's new bill.

""Nix the spies" was a reference to one of the most contentious proposed changes to the state's public-health law. As it stands, health care providers are required to report the names of people with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis to the health department, along with medical data such as patients' current viral load. Frieden would like to take that section of the law a step further with an amendment that would require health care workers to provide additional information to the health department on request, including patient contact information.

The other controversial change would eliminate mandatory pre-test counseling, which, in New York, includes a signed consent form that also enumerates the benefits of getting tested and the legal protections available to fight possible discrimination. Every blood sample sent to a lab must be accompanied by this form, and medical professionals call the paperwork burdensome. If Frieden's bill becomes law, informed oral consent would be enough to permit testing."

Health officials who support the bill claim that it would enable clinics to perform more tests in less time (because of the reduced counselling involved in the new bill) and hopefully destigmatize the test so that people would be less afraid to take it. I just went to a new doctor who strongly encouraged me to take the test and when I told him I would flip out waiting for the results, he even offered me a few Xanax to calm me while waiting on the results. He did NOT offer the information that my test results would be forwarded to health officials if my results were positive. Inclusion of my status and contact information woud STIGMATIZE the test for me. Thanks, to this article, I now know to take only anonymous AIDS tests. Does anyone know where the anonymous tests are offered? I'm just DYING to know!

"Everyone may not need to get counseled every time he or she is tested, and some advocates agree that it makes sense to let hospitals and clinics set their own policies. Still, there's something unsettling about the thought of health department officials dropping by your house to find out why you haven't been taking your meds."

Well, there's also something unsettling about dying from AIDS, because you may be--as this article claims are two common causes of failure to maintain the complicated regimen of meds--mentally ill or in unstable-housing. Or, the article failed to mention, a party boy or girl whose "party meds" dictate their schedules more than AIDS meds do. Shouldn't these people be helped? Is knocking at their door a way of helping them stay alive? I'm so scattered right now due to allergy season that I sometimes can't remember to even take my Claritin. Can you imagine how hard it would be to follow a complicated regimen of protease inhibitors if I were homeless or mentally ill? (OK, OK so you don't have to imagine the mentally ill part in my case.)

The $20,000 question is Do you trust the government with knowing your HIV status? Once your info is on file, what would happen if NY government took as crazy a turn as the government in White House has? I certainly don't want to see concentration camps for the HIV positive, but might the government be trying to take steps to halt an epidemic of an often fatal illness? Am I being naive in thinking that a health department might actually have sincere motives in slowing the disease's progress? But Frieden's motives are already under fire in light of his recent funding cuts to outer-borough outreach programs. Then again, I don't know what budgetary constraints he's under from his superiors. There are major AIDS-funding cuts nationwide.

Frieden should not have, as Kacie Winsor from the New York AIDS Coalition put it, "drawn this up with lawyers in a room somewhere and then staged these community forums as window dressing." Kacie goes on: "There needs to be an honest partnership. Let us all sit down and figure out the best ways to reach these goals." Absolutely agreed. But Kacie also feels that Frieden no longer cares about HIV testees' confidentiality because it's no longer a gay white male's disease. This seems outlandish to me. Since AIDS is the # 1 killer of young adult black women, It hasn't been only a gay white male's disease for well over a decade, so why would this begin to start influencing policy now? The government may view gay white males and blacks and AIDS victims all as second-class citizens, but if (ha!)) that's the case, why would it shift it's policy to favor one second-class group's confidentiality over another?

It wouldn't be the first time I'd disgreed with the advocacy groups, but it certainly is scary to envision one the forum's
audience members who claimed, "One day you'll have the HIV people on the Internet, just like you have the criminals now." And you'll recall the recent news about the Candian guy who went on a killing spree of ex sex-offenders whom he'd located on the net.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

LOVE THIS LETTER!

I'm always mildly surprised whenever someone is sworn in at jury duty with "so help me God" at the end of their oath. How can a court of law invoke someone of questionable existence? I saw this letter to the Village Voice from one of it's readers who makes a great point:

Within all the debate about marriage--which combinations of men and women are socially acceptable and/or legally valid and which are not--I think a central fact has slipped down the memory hole:"Marriage" is a religious institution. Since there is a constitutional amendment of church and state, marriage should not be the domain of th government to begin with. The only real debate that should be taking place is about civil unions. Civil unions are secular unions and thus are up for grabs for tax legislation and all that fun, bureaucratic, Byzantine, governmental bullshit. The government shouldn't recognize government at all. It doesn't matter if it's Jim and Laura or Jim and Jimmy, marriges happen in churches and civil unions happen at your tax-funded justice of the peace. --John David Bowline


Wise words. And I totally agree. I don't want to be married precisely because it IS a religious institution and I don't believe in god. Same reason non-christian kids may opt out of theur school's bible studies. Same reason I don't feel the need to get baptized or fed communion. Well, there's another kvetch about communion--syruppy grape juice and processe white flour crackers? Too many carbs! (I wonder if looks-obsessed Californians' places of worship now offer a low carb version of communion>)

But didn't George Bush actually offer gay civil unions in his 1st presidential campaign or first term? Whoops! I seem to recall gay activists turning it down, because they wanted that actual church service. As I mentioned recently, Quakers are a christian sect which DO hold gay marriage ceremonies, but even if the Quakes marry you, you still won't have the benefit of legal (is this a word?) spousehood. Homo's, you just ain't gettin' a church wedding. The only gay unions besides the Quakers and maybe a few other fringe sects are the molestations of children by priests and maybe a little monk-eying around in the monasteries and convents.

FROM PAUL LYNDE'S HALLOWE'EN SPECIAL

Co-starring H.R. Puff'n'Stuff's WITCHIPOO and MAGARET HAMILTON from The WIZARD OF OZ.

YOUTUBE

LOST PUPPY

HARE LIP

To celebrate it's 50 year anniversary Hasbro is releasing a scent based on Play-Doh. Called Eau de Play-Doh, it targets "highly-creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood." It sounds pretty horrible to me, since Play-Doh's ingredients include flour, water and salt. But then again, the perfume's created by Demeter, who managed to make Dirt and Tomato Leaf into fantastic scents. (Their tomato leaf incense covers pot smell very effectively, I'm told.) From Demeter's site:

"When you open a can of PLAY-DOH compound, you are instantly transported back to childhood. What better way to celebrate the 50th birthday than by bottling the scent for adults everywhere to enjoy as a reminder of their youth."

Yeah, one whiff and you shit yourself and start crying. What's next on Demeter's roster: Eau de SUPER ELASTIC BUBBLE PLASTIC? At least that could get you high if you sniffed on that tube of toxic goo hard enough.



Finally saw that SURREAL LIFE with it's new cast. I can't figure out why MTV and VH1 must bleep out drug references in videos, yet they seek out obvious drug addicts like Tawny Kitaen and Jeff Conway to rule VH1's airwaves with obviously drug-induced melt-downs. (At least they have drugs as their excuse for melt-downs, Alexis Arquette!) It deeply pains me to watch Sherman Helmsley and Florence Henderson, stars of the genius classic shows like The Jeffersons and The Brady Bunch, now forced to be a part of this travesty. It's so sad that reality TV is the outlet bonafide stars have if they wanna work nowadays. Hey, I'm not saying I'd turn a role on one down if it were offered, but I'd much rather appear on a well-written show with great characters like The Jeffersons. Remember the complete pandemonium which erupted every time George's prune-faced mom walked in front of that camera? Heaven!

And it's so pitiful when SURREAL LIFE tries to build in a mini-plot, like this group's POISON competition or the gang which included Jane Wiedlin, Peter from The Brady Bunch and that dwarf trying to make a pop song. And acting like they really care! Throwing a bunch of people into a "cool-looking" house and hoping their interactions would be entertaining wasn't enough, so they add some good old fashioned all-American competition to keep people's interest up--give 'em a little of the same factor that makes AMERICAN IDOL a hit. Rubbish! At least IDOL showcases some actual singing talents. The only people who I think you could sling up in a house and satisfy my curiousity would be Zsa Zsa Gabor, Grace Jones, Jocelyn Wildenstein, Rip Taylor, and since I'm down with hip-hop, that new guy Kanye East.

DAVID BLAINE, WE DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR DICK SHRIVEL UP IN A TANK OF WATER. WE WANNA SEE IT GROW! HOW'S THIS FOR A DEATH-DEFYING NEW TRICK? FUCK EVERY WHORE IN NYC! ME FIRST!



"Magician" David Blaine is unfortunately at it again. C'mon, honey! Houdini got out of things. You just stay in them? What a snore! The real endurance test is us having to put up with his pointless exhibitionism. At least he has on a skimpy bathing suit in the tank. I think he's adorable, but I'm with the English, who coolly greeted his last stunt hanging over the Thames. Here are some comments from BBC.com concerning his last appearance.

I am scandalized that such a non-event could become news. There are millions of people starving in this world. I am ashamed, as a human being that this can happen in the 21st century and receive such media attention. 
Judith Wuarin, Switzerland

There are millions starving around the world. If David Blaine had undertaken this stunt to high light their plight and raise sponsor money he would be respected. Sadly David is obviously incapable of thinking outside the box. 
Steve, London, UK

I couldn't care what David Blaine has "achieved". He has made a lot of money out of starving himself, something that is forced on far too many people around the globe. If he wants any admiration from me he should donate that (and any other profits) to help people who are really starving. I hope he pays for his hospital bills too and doesn't lump the cost on the NHS. 
Paul, UK

Despite all the people saying they aren't interested in it, there are a huge number of comments here. He has succeeded in getting people to flock to watch him doing nothing, for days. That is magic. Any corporate sponsors for my "live paint drying" show? 
Steve, England

What a waste of time. Another American lasted longer in the original version of this stunt and that was 50 years ago. And recently a woman was trapped in a box for 60 days without even water - she survived - goes without saying that Blaine with his massive support team would have. Let's hope his next trick is a disappearing one. Give me a rabbit out of a hat anytime - That's magic. 
Rick, UK

PLAINLY A SUPERSTAR:MISS JENNIFER ANUSTON



I'm mystified by this new-ish trend of the "top" stars not having any hits, but being on the cover of every magazine. And not just tabloids, either. Has Jessica Simpson had a hit recently? Dukes of Hazzard was a flop as well as was that ghastly version of THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'. Jennifer Anuston has yet to score a hit film and she's been off of FRIENDS for ages. Brad and Angelina don't seem to have any smash hits either. What's Lindsay Lohan done except lose and gain weight? They are considered A-list stars, but with C-list products. Like Sharon Stone, who's been considered A-list for decades with only one big movie, and it was decades ago. I don't get it.

I understand that certain celeb's personal lives excite the masses and they don't need a hit every second--that's nothing new. Zsa Zsa Gabor, who I absolutely adore, is a perfect example of a Hollywood star with hardly any films--she simply WAS. Just the other day I was observing how a star can be very talented, but without some drama in their lives or personality make-up, the public can't really connect with them the way they can when they're hungering for any news about Whitney's drug habit, Britney's baby or husband, Nick and Jessica's split, or Jennifer vs Angelina. Take Toni Braxton, for example. She's pretty, can sing well, has had some great songs (though not recently), and a successful run on Broadway. Except for her bankruptcy tale years ago, there isn't really much personal news about her to hook you in to care about her when her product tanks.

And speaking of hooking...



There's one drugged-out slut I don't mind watching occasionally on a reality show! ANNA NICOLE WON! At least the right to progress to the next phase in claiming her inheritance. I have no idea what the all the background dirt is, but it isn't hard to imagine the old man being so smitten with her beauty that he'd leave a big chunk of his $1.6 billion estate to her. And a hooker needs to get paid the pre-arranged amount. Just like mine, that hooker's pussy IS worth millions! $474,000,000 for 14 months of marriage to be exact. She wasn't diddling around with gramp's shrivelled weiner for nothing and now she may actually get paid! If I were the son, I'd be bitter, too, but who knows, maybe the son was a jerk and the dad wanted to shaft him like he tried to "shaft" dear Anna-kins. The son, a judge cited, had "engaged in forgery fraud and overreaching to gain control of his father's assets." So maybe ol' Anna isn't as dumb as her slurred speech on her reality show implied!

I wish that case was being tried before the jury I'm on! Or at least the case of that party planner who got a restraining order against Paris Hilton in February. I only heard about it yesterday. I wonder what she did to him? I totally missed all this until yesterday. Good ol' Google!

From Eonline.com:

"The promoter, who counts Hilton beau Stavros Niarchos among his friends, has claimed that Hilton accused him of encouraging Niarchos to dump her and get back together with ex-girlfriend Mary-Kate Olsen.

In court documents, Quintana alleged that Hilton "has a drug and alcohol problem, some rather shady associates, and is known for erratic behavior." He claimed he felt he was in "imminent danger" from the celebutante's wrath."

From Defamer.com:

"In September 2004, [event producer Brian] Quintana said he became friends with Stavros Niarchos, and later became his "PR rep." He introduced Niarchos to Hilton, and they started dating.

Quintana, 37, testified his relationship with Hilton changed in November when "Paris accused me of planting unfavorable stories toward her in the press."

Hilton shoved him in the chest, he said.

Quintana testified that Hilton interrupted a conversation he was having with Niarchos -- initially out of her earshot -- about a call he had received from the tabloid Star Magazine.

"I wanted to make sure that he was aware that she might have herpes," Quintana said on the stand. Outside of court, Quintana's attorney Richard Sherman said they had no specific knowledge about any medical condition Hilton may have.

Quintana testified that if a story had been published, Hilton would have threatened him. In December, Quintana said he got a phone call from Hilton, who was in Hawaii. She allegedly said, "I'm going to put a contract out on you."

And then there's the suit against Paris by Zeta Graff. Some people really know how to have fun in a nightlub!

ZETA GRAFF



From Page Six:

PARIS Hilton was attacked on the dance floor of a London nightclub Thursday night by a jealous ex-girlfriend of the hotel heiress’ fiance, Paris Latsis.

Zeta Graff, who dated Latsis for two years before he dumped her for Hilton, went berserk at Kabaret, where she had to be restrained by security men who escorted her from the club.

Graff suddenly flew at Hilton and tried to remove her necklace. “She was screaming and it looked like she was trying to strangle Paris,” said one source.

What set Graff off was partly the music, and partly the necklace. …

Plus, Paris and Paris and some friends were dancing to Barry Manilow’s 1970s hit “Copacabana.” As Manilow sang the last verse, Graff, who is 40ish, thought they were laughing at her.

The song goes: “Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl/But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show/Now it’s a disco, but not for Lola/Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair/She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind/She lost her youth and she lost her Tony/Now she’s lost her mind!”

"I just said to her...she is old and should stay at home with her child instead of being at nightclubs with young people," Hilton said. "And just that--I just--what else did I say? Just that she is not cute at all."

She also claimed that Graff had threatened Latsis, claiming she was going to "send Mexican people to come and beat the s--t out of him," and that she was intimidated by Graff after Latsis warned her that the diamond heiress might "do voodoo" on her.



I had no clue that the brat was so interesting! Paris's private persona is sooo much juicier than her wan smile and limp-wristed wave on red carpets and bored performances on The Simple Life, which would have Eva Gabor, Paris's great aunt (?) and star of a similarly displaced glamorpuss in the sticks-themed TV show GREEN ACRES, rolling over in her perfumed, feather boa-lined, diamond-encrusted grave! God, wouldn't it be insane to exhume Eva and see that skeleton in a wig with jewelry on? OK, enough with the porn talk.

OK, I'm off to jury duty, which has actually been fascinating and I'll fill you in on that later. But the breaks give me an opportunity to catch up with my reading. I hate mainstream "entertainment" so much that I let my subscription to EW run out, but I have a few unread back issues. One yielded this review of Amanda Byne's boy drag film, SHE'S THE MAN.

From EW:

She's jut a sweet transvestite who want to play soccer



...Bynes pastes on side-burns and a shaggy bowl-cut wig and struts around in a prep school jacket attempting to pass herself off as a boy, but Bynes, with her chipmunk cheeks and goggly eyes, comes off more like some bizarre third-sex Davy Jones after an infusion of estrogen. When she tries to talk "masculine," squeaking out lines like "Hey bruthuh!" in a vaguely hip-hop patois, it's so cheesy-wrong that you stare with a mix of fascination and horror.

SHE'S THE MAN sounds like a must-see! Please DO NOT tell NYC drag king Murray Hill that Amanda Bynes has stolen her "cheesy-wrong" act which inspires "a mix of fascination and horror" or that it flopped on the big screen as much as it does in the tragic dumps Murray poorforms in. KIDDING! Love ya, Mur!

HOW INNOCENT WE WERE...

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)



Thanks to John for sending me these! (And their caption!)

SHIT AND CHAMPAGNE

Both have an intoxicating, unmistakable odor and both are bubbly--well, when you have diarrhea! But isn't that a horrid way to begin a review of a delightful new play called SHIT AND CHAMPAGNE? There are only 2 more shows to catch--this Friday May 5th and May 12th--and I highly recommend that you do not miss it! It's unlikely to ever be remounted, since from the looks of it, the stars are all about to be institutionalized. I hope I'm in the same loony bin cuz these nuts are a hoot and a half! It's very reminiscent of the Theatre Couture productions of the 90's in that the plot and style is derivative of nostalgic film classics, with tons of drags and cheap gags. Less production value than Theatre Couture and perhaps less polished writing, but with much more scenery-chewing from this energetic cast. If you don't believe me, here's what some other reviewers have had to say.



“Funny, fast moving and furious![It’s] Showgirls meets Kill Bill.”
Mark O’Donnell – Hairspray the Musical

"Exciting and refreshing to see people being ridiculous again."
Everett Quinton - The Ridiculous Theatrical Company

"In the true spirit of Ridiculous Theater, Shit & Champagne is a scatological, totally hilarious comedy."
Tom Murrin - Paper Magazine

"Gutsy, glamorous and gloriously gonzo."
Robert Richards


When I walked into the Slipper room and the curtains opened to reveal a blonde-wigged (with roots), ditzy, gutter-mouthed drag queen just brimming with personailty and cheesy dance moves, I leapt to my feet with my hands in the air shouting "That bitch stole my act!" The only difference between us is that, Darcy Drollinger, the effervescent tranvestite star, is thin and well-rehearsed. And she wrote this "Shit." Billed as a "Whitesploitation Comedy With Dance", the 2 hour laughfest is meant to be ridiculous with no opportunity for a cheap gag missed. Or shit joke. Or sound effect. As someone who is no stranger to cornball sound effects within my own cheesy act, I was impressed. Not only did a crackling sound effect accompany each time an arm was twisted, or fingers were manipulated in concentration, they even had a different crackling effect for when balls were grabbed and squeezed in (my one gripe) the one too many fight scenes. And not just fart sounds and lotsa shit-stained underwear, but they actually included one sound effect to unerscore falling and sliding in shit. Any excuse for a schmaltzy love scene is thrown in as well, and the whole show is scored with excellent dramatic music, some as pointlessly entertaining as a 5 second dance to MC HAMMER's CAN'T TOUCH THIS when detective Hammer is introduced.



The whole cast sparkles in that eager to please hambone tradition of which I never tire. There are costume amd wig changes galore and an intricate plot involving Darcy/Champagne, a stripper, who must avoid the mob to enact her boyfriend's dying wishes, and safeguard the dvd he gives her before he pops off. The dvd is coveted by a hilarious villainess in a completely ridiculous ensemble. She reminds me of the frog-faced villainess in COFFY, who acts and dresses as if she's a fox, but who was clearly designed to repulse the primarily black audiences as a fine example of a easy-to-hate, ugly, cruel small-tittied white woman. Coffy's villainess is one of my all-time fav screen characters, and Anne Gaynor as Dixie Stamped does her total justice in this show.

Beloved scenester Brandon Oleson appears in a variety of ridiculous roles which he plays with aplomb, from Champagne's lesbian calf-model roomie to haggy waitress to Walmart supervisor. Kat Ventura also triples up on her roles and excels as a trashy, over-it stripper, a tragi-comic drag king, and best of all, perky announcer who sets each scene with a cheap placard to denote each new location since there ain't no sets. But The Slipper Room is a very attractive, slightly decayed old world lower east side dive bar turned trendy. And what hasn't turned trendy down there that didn't turn high end?



Like Barbara Patterson Lloyd's (Google her) act, most of the jokes are groaners. Some are groaners which are funny enough to make you laugh, some just make you groan. And some just make you shake your head and think "Y'all asses just wrong!", all of which is intentional. (I think.) But any holes in the script are quickly patched up with the actors' zippy timing and tight direction from Greg Ayres and intentionally silly choreography by John Paolilo.

Check out their website: SHITANDCHAMPAGNE

The Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. @ Stanton, NYC
Every Friday @ 8pm beginning April 21st

ONLY TWO SHOWS LEFT, Y'ALL! AND ONLY $15!

EAT ME!

There is now a Lady Bunny Burger for sale in Amsterdam! I'm in very good company with England's top dragoon Lily Savage, Divine, and Priscilla, that rotten movie. And I am guessing that Dusty refers to London's Dusty O, a popular dj. Coco could be Coco Peru, but I'm not sure she's known outside the US. (I'm not sure she's known outside her home--that was evil and I'm kidding! We all saw her in the film TRICK. We tried to blot out the entire movie, but we did see her.) I love Coco! But face it, you wouldn't read this blog if I were nice! I am dying to know what the Lady Bunny Burger includes. Carrots? A special sauce including lube? A tangy poppers dressing? Smegma substuted for cheese? Or topped with pickled herring because I'm so fishy and so sour? Hungry yet?

MOMMY, CAN I RIDE THE POOP CHUTE?