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PARIS HILTON'S "RECORD" RELEASE
Tiring of the phenomenal singers who pumped up the rest of Miami Beach's Winter Music Conference, I attended the listening party for Paris Hilton's new record. Oddly enough, the song's name wasn't even mentioned on the invite, though I must admit, the slut looks awfully stylish.  Purdy power-dykes Tracy Young and Madonna's ex/ Miami socialite Ingrid Casares excitedly met us at the door, obviously cofusing me for Paris and both slobbering for my imaginary cunt. Sorry, goils!  Once I freed myself from their wo-manhandling and entered The Fifth, not only was the club not packed (or is that hand-picked and exclusive?), there were but a few paparazzi present, though the do was sponsored by Absolut, Entertainment Weekly and her label, Warner Brothers. Proving without a doubt that Paris-mania is thankfully over, I realized that the poor girl was actually employed by the club to take drink orders! How dreadfully common of her!  Horrified, I WAS at her listening party, so I gave her song a fair chance as she rocked back and forth, remotely on the beat.  Of course, that's not really Paris. It's some whore in a cheap, blonde synthetic wig. No! I mean the one on the left, you assholes! MY SONG'LL BE BIGGER THAN ALL OF NICOLE RITCHIE'S DAD'S HITS COMBINED!  DJ Tracy Young threw on her mix of the unnamed tune and Paris flailed her arms wanly, but as a credit to Tracy's seamless mixing skills, I couldn't really figure out where Paris's song began. But here's the bad news--it really didn't sound that poor. The vox had heavy effects on them, but it didn't sound any worse than anything recorded by Lindsay Lohan or Hillary Duff. Until I removed my earplugs, anyway.  Though the club wasn't that crowded, everyone jammed in around Paris as she shared the booth with "her favorite" remixers Paul Oakenfeld, Chus and Ceballos and Tracy, as photogs snapped away. Not known for her attention span, Paris lost interest the second a big black dick was shoved towards her mouth. She closed her eyes, parted her lips, and began caressing her nipples to this Christ-loving woman's horror!  Not satisfied with the vulgarity of this shocking display, Paris's designer drugs must have really been kicking in as she quickly clipped on a brunette, mane-like fall and a bridle and climbed into a depraved sling which The Fifth had hung from the ceiling at her request. Bored with her wanton media circus, the small crowd all but vanished.  Okay, so I'm lying. If anyone ever needed to see another picture of Miss Hilton, here's mine. SO SHE'S NO COLORATURA. BUT SHE HAS AN EXCELLENT COLORIST.  "COULD YOU LIKE TELL THEM TO TURN THIS AWFUL MUSIC DOWN? WHAT'S THAT? YOU MEAN IT'S MY SONG PLAYING?"  I don't need to demonstrate to anyone that Tyson Beckford is gorgeous, but please explain this look to me. Why would he want to pose with a facial expression which reads "I'm mean, I'm scary, I'm a hostile animal. And I don't want to let a fat drag queen blow me."  The Williams Sisters, Hulk Hogan's singing brat, and the recent Academy Award-winning rappers whose name I don't want to recall were present. But only sweet Kelly Rowland would pose with Elaine and me.  Now you know the real reason Destiny's Child is breaking up--Kelly has joined two other no-talents who can't sing to form an all-new group! But here's the big switcheroo: her two new bandmates are older and uglier than her so this time SHE, not Beyotchze, can play Diane Ross! (Someone please teach me to erace chins in photoshop!) Kelly found Elaine quite fascinating..the size of her foot, anyway.  Madonna's bother (sic!) Christopher Ciccone, who I've always had a blast in the past with and even roomed with in P'town, was awfully sour. Since I'm not an expert lenswoman, I try to take a lot of shots since I never know how they're gonna turn out. After maybe 4 I took of him, he snatched my camera, refused to return it and then arrogantly placed it on the ground! I guess he was on the wrong combo of whatever. He explained that he was camera shy since he knew he didn't look good. He looked fine to me. But out of respect for him, I won't post any of his pix here. And Christopher, let it hereby be publicly known that I was never attracted to you for your looks anyway. You used to have a fun personality. With that plainly gone, seeing as how I don't give a fuck about your rotten sister and I'm unlikely to be hiring you or anyone else to interior decorate my one-room sty, you can go fuck yourself! Did you ever think of asking me not to take your picture before slapping my new camera on the ground in a club? Some grimy, diseased gunk could have gotten on it--the ritzy club's floor, I mean. Thankfully, there was plenty of other eye candy. This hunk on the left was certainly looking sexy and I don't even like blondes! His boyfriend (left) is Colombian sweetheart Ricky whose hair is prematurely white. OK, so it's not premature! I'm kidding, and I think Ricky's one of the nicest and sexiest guys on earth and I'd gladly be his Lucy any day!  ROTTEN RICKY STEALING MY FAVORITE POSE!   Bo Beasley from TRL is a hoot and a half, and he escorted Elaine and I to the swanky powder room where a make-up artist/hair stylist was on hand! I twiddled the Cuban cutie's nipples as he whipped up my mange. This stud is named Granville and came all the way from Canada for the conference. He emailed me on myspace to ask if the picture came out well. As if this bastard's ever taken a bad one!  Check out his music on his www.myspace.com/granville and don't worry, there's more pix of him, too!
RANDI ON LARRY
At 9:00 Eastern time, Randi Rhodes is on CNN's Larry King tonight, right after Bill CLinton. If you ain't never seen her live--actually, I've never SEEN her, only heard her on AIR AMERICA--this is MUST SEE TV! Take it from a musty TV! Watch this firebrand tonight! Actually, the ever resourceful Jordy has posted a clip of this dynamo on his site and will put the full clip up tomorrow. Watch her shut the other guests down. The waxy republican bitch from Gainesville gagged! Tee hee! VIRTUALMATTER
AUTO-SEX CHANGE
Fugitive severs his own penis and then throws it at the cops who are chasing him! What'll they think of next? Apparently he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland. I don't know if Fik is a Polish name, but wouldn't it be smarter to have a girlfriend on the same continent as you? SUNTIMES
AMANDA LEPORE SELLS OUT!
Her doll, that is. Congratulations, whore! The market for this could be huge--with a new doll to correspond with each new facial surgery? And she has a new reality show in the works. I hope it captures her on the treadmill in high heels at David Barton gym, which I still can't believe actually happens. MANHATTANOFFENDERAMANDA'S EXQUISITE HOLOGRAPHIC SLING-BACKS (NEXT TO RICHIE RICH'S TRADEMARK ROLLERSKATES) AT THE RECENT MIAMI HEATHERETTE FASHION SHOW.  And girl, couldja please recommend what very effective heel exfoliator you're using? And while you're at it, a plastic surgeon? No, not your surgeon. A GOOD one! Oink! Oink!
NO STRAIGHT LEFT BEHIND
My e-friend Robert of the blog PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK has a novel idea which might improve the quality of gay films. PROCEEDATYOUROWNRISK
NEVER PISS OFF YOUR...
...PLASTIC SURGEON! 
MADDOW VS TUCKER
AIR AMERICA host debates right-winger Tucker Carlson on his MSNBC chat show and politely lets him have it! WATCH: VIRTUALMATTER
CATCHING UP
I've been "working" at a whirlwind of parties for 2 weeks including DIFFA's Dining by Design in NYC, a dj gig in Atlanta attended by my almost too fun mom Lady Becky, a whole week in Mijami, Florida including cuban gods, drag queens galore and the Winter Music conference crew--including the Paris Hilton (yikes!) record release party. All with my trusty camera. I haven't had i'net access so I've got a lot of uploading to do. But I'm just going to start backwards from last night and give it all to ya! Tuesday was insane. I know I bitch and moan about CNN yet I'm constantly glued to it. Well, not for the last two weeks on the road I haven't been. But now my vacation starts and woo hoo! the TV comes on! And just what is CNN featuring? A 15 minute interview with Adrienne Barbeau! I recall having a mild fascination with the sexpot who played Maude's daughter, and I'm glad she has a role on Broadway in that new Judy Garland play which the NY Times gave an awful review--though the clips from it indicated that she plainly hasn't got the chops to play that fag hag supreme--but wait a minute! Did she ever have the chops for anything? Did she even have the fucking chops to assay the role of the romantic lead in SWAMP THING, for chrissakes? No offense, Adrienne, and maybe I'm remembering it a little wrong cuz I was a little on the young side (don't laugh--I was!) at the height of your popularity, but did you ever have anything but a big set of knockers and a great agent? She was sitting there grandly discussing her career, even saying that her performance as Rizzo in the original GREASE fooled some credible actor into thinking she wasn't an actress at all, but some street chick. And you believed them? The soundbite of your singing, which just thrilled the badly calico-highlighted anchor Kyra Phillips sounded like Broadway 101 to me. (You can listen to it on Adrienne's site and judge for yourself at www.adriennebarbeau.com.) But let's just imagine I'm wrong and that SWAMP THING rivals Shakespeare--a 15 minute Q & A for some T & A whose 15 minutes of fame were over more than 15 years ago??? Maybe on an entertainment show but NOT on the goddam news! On a day when a memo is uncovered which proves Bush had always intended to declare war on Iraq, with or without the presence of WMDs? (http://news.nationaljournal.com/articles/0330nj1.htm ) On CNN, Adrienne Barbeau's first stage role in 15 years (and a well-timed book release) easily trumps that. You know what? Adrienne seemed charming and sweet. A little grand considering her body of work was really just a body.... So why don't I just turn off CNN? It's a train wreck I can't avert my eyes from. It's the propaganda machine at work and I feel obligated to dissect how it works. We all do, so that we aren't ever in the same sinking boat that we're in now, in an impossible to win unpopular war with a man we voted in because why?--he had the bigger and better propaganda machine/ election swindles. Did you hear about the trial of the phone company which was alledgely hired by Republicans to jam democratic headquarters phone lines during the last election? Only for a second on CNN, cuz the programmers had to clear plenty of time for the nation to hear Adrienne crowing in a thirty-year old musical. Another thing CNN was buzzing about as Bush's trip to Mexico. Let me clear this up once and for all. If you go to the site of a problem and spout the same garbage you've been spouting at home, IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING! From Bush to Condi, This administration has made more state visits and surprise drop-ins than any I recall, and they are nothing but photo ops which amount to zilch. Of course, the surprises do help cut down on the massive "Bush is the world's greatest terrorist" welcome wagons like the one which met him in India recently." TURN OFF THE TV AND ENJOY YOUR VACATION, WHORE!  Miami's a perfect place to be on the Atkins diet due to the abundance of tempting cuban-style meats and cheeses. But for Pepper Mashay's annual cook-out, I simply HAD to break my diet!  Remember the scene in TRANSAMERICA where Felicity and her son stopped off in Texas at the tranny party hosted by Bianca Leigh--the real NYC tranny? Well, I was transported to just such a party in Fort Lauderdale Tuesday night, so they really do exist. Well, it wasn't all transies, cuz there was a dance music gang there too, including one of the nicest gals, terrific soul-singer and throwown soul food chef by the name of Pepper Mashay, who had a dance smash with DIVE IN THE POOL a few years ago. But this evening was more like DIVE INTO THE DROOL than POOL. As a testament to her cooking, the two flanking her below weighed only 150 pounds when they walked in!  At least they got in! Poor Superman was left standing behind the velvet ropes all night! Actually, if you'll notice the plaster marks near the railing (You can click on the photo to enlarge, I believe. But don't ever try this with the nostril area of any of my late night party pix, you cunts!), the ropes were to protect Superman, who normally resides inside his own custom-made phone booth, which was out being repaired!  The zany, party decor theme doesn't stop there. You'll notice the gumball machine in the foreground of the Superman pic--a light-up gumball machine, no less!--but the funky and fabulous pad also features a vintage coke machine. Get this...it's free AND it holds alcoholic beverages! Kind of like my asshole!  And an 1890's style popcorn stand! But dancing to the sounds of the world's greatest dj's in Miami all week, "Lady Bunion" had had quite enough of popped corns! I couldn't believe my "ears"! (Apologies--I'm a little rusty at blogging at this point!)  Actually, it's sort of an annual event, when we head to FTL to take a break from the conference and I consider myself lucky to be invited the last coupla years. Sheila makes a wonderful hostess, though her normal gig is a purveyor of transsexual erotica on her popular site FOXYANGEL, which I urge you to check out. Sheila and I are sisters, so I'm not sure that I need to pay to see her shemale cock dangling beneath her sizeable bust when I can see my own, dangling beneath my sizeable gut, for free. Besides, it might spoil our friendship. But you guys go right ahead! Quite the entrepreneur, Sheila shoots her own porn, complete with a webcam before which a number of chicks with dicks writhe continually and I assume provocatively. She demonstrated her set-up and the bitch even has different playrooms to cater to any scene! Including this jail cell with an autographed wall  which (sorry about the quality of this photo) was temporarily occupied by singer/label head Georgie Porgie and his Chicago crew, booker Shawn Manning, gay porn star Frederick Ford, record promoter Harry Towers and some very entertaining folks whose names I could not quite make out over my loud, constant chewing.  and right around the corner, a spartan, splattered-something-dark toilet and cot scene which almost had me re-tasting Pepper's fine vittles. Looks just like a real jail cell! Uh, I mean from what I've seen in the movies...  The props are stored near the locker room backdrop (shemales in high school?) set.  A closer shot reveals a black latex fetish gloves next to a black 1970's Dianne Keaton-style hat atop a suitcase--please tell me that somebody out there orders pay-per-view fetishistic TRANNIE HALL road trip scenes! Besides my dad, that is!  I give Sheila "props" for the variety--a longhorn skull, beach ball, football, bales of hay and if that white-tipped stick is either a showbiz cane or an over-sized wand, I'm going to lose my cotton-pickin' mind--AGAIN!  I did lose my mind when I got home-what the fuck is WONDER SHOWZEN on MTV 2? How long has this been on? Am I just totally out of it, is this new, or did it just turn fab? You must check it out! Not only did one skit feature the genius Amy Sedaris (who must be involved in the show somehow--the credits went by too quickly and I was snorting poppers trying to cum) but other skits got away with really demented shit because they are narrated with innocent kids voices saying outrageous stuff like "I pulled some corn out of my bottom and sold it to a factory." Hungh!?!? Also a recurring # 2 shit skit and an out there chicken factory segment which I think may have contained a veiled vegetarian message. Was it the joint or is this show brilliant? I slam TV so much that I feel compelled to highlight anything good and this was great and totally unexpected. Season 2 starts this Friday on MTV2: MTV2Earlier that evening, the cook-out guests took a break to watch American Idol and I sat in for a minute. One 7 foot tall fag entered the room and literally gasped when he realized that he'd missed the first few moments of it. But the other girls reassured him that they it was being Tivo'ed. Why? Isn't it on 3 times a week? I despise that emblem of sanitized mediocrity Ryan Seacrest. And why the fuck do they even have judges if Ryan is going to argue with them and then the audience decides anyway? Paula looked beautiful with more make-up and a darker mane than usual, but definitely had that tight drugged jaw. And what is wrong with that black queen judge? Isn't his foundation, which is packed on up to his eyeballs, a few shades too light and super-waxy? What a weird-ass show. Speaking of weird, one of the guests at Pepper's din-din was a tranny who at last year's shindig, was accompanied by the real girl she was dating, and had impregnated. This year, she is still living as a woman but phasing out the drag because she wants to be a manlier father. Amazing! Like my therapist always says, "Bunny, would eating shit out of a homeless woman's ass be considered safe sex?"--I mean--"There's a cover for every pot!" As dumbfounding as it seems, this gorgeous twenty-something, seemingly well-adjusted and tons of fun transsexual is a father to be. And "she" is a top! In fact, some of these gals purposefully avoid female hormones so they can maintain erections for their fans. That's why you'll notice some tranny ads in the back of the Village Voice which claim "no hormones". The hormones feminize the "girls", but their clients don't fancy shrivelled hormone-soaked clitty-cocks which don't ever get hard. A real snatch 22. Do you want a pretty queen with a soft cock or a harder-looking queen with a hard cock? Or a booger bottom like me--the worst of both worlds? Please masturbate while pondering that one.
GAWK AT WHITNEY!
Gawker.com has put up the Enquirer/Sun pix from her "crack den"! GAWKERAnd here's a few of the catty comments posted beneath the pix! Somebody needs to switch her to crystal meth... she'll have that mess cleaned up in under two hours. by chrisb on 03/29/06 12:43 PM Whatever. She can keep the place messy if she wants. I mean, it's her prerogative. by E®IC on 03/29/06 01:39 PM "Stars! They're just like us!" by daniel on 03/29/06 01:54 PM Maybe it's just a look. You fail to consider that this whole "crackhead" thing may just be a bit too 2008 for you.
WHAT I TIVO
A few months ago, Paper mag aske me to contribute to their regular column of WHAT I TIVO. As if I have TIVO or even a functioning vhs recorder! And I don't think Paper realized how bitter I've become. But I obliged and the article appeared last month. Since it's off stands now, I thought I'd post it, even though there is definitely some overlap with things I've already sqawked about on my blog regularly. And some of the "news" is a little dated, as the deadline was 3 months ago. WHAT I TIVO (originally printed in Paper magazine.) I grew up enjoying classics like BEWITCHED, and I hate to break it to you, but I doubt they'll be re-running GASTINEAU GIRLS and PIMP MY RIDE in 20 years. SEX AND THE CITY re-runs? Maybe. But to me, that show's responsible for the clueless SEX wannabes who now troll Avenue C in Manolos. And why would anyone wanna see "stars" like Drew Lachey fox-trot to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW? Hell, I know Jane Wiedlin, but that doesn't mean I wanna watch her help a dwarf pee on THE SURREAL LIFE. I used to watch John Stewart, but ultimately, it’s depressing that Bush's incompetence yields an endless source of punchlines. So now I keep CNN on. I'm fascinated with the revolving cast, like Anderson Cooper's build-up after his "dramatic coverage" in N’Awlins. The humor bits which ended Anderson's old shows are gone, and commercials for his new slot use clips of the cutie in action shots. In Iraq! Sleeves rolled up! Surgical mask on! To build on his Katrina triumph, they ran and re-ran footage of him amidst the gusts of Hurricane Wilma, with some guy saying "The sand is taking a layer of skin off." Puh-lease! Though I cherish the vision of Floridian crones running to the beach shrieking "C'mon Esther! Free microdermabrasions!", there was ample evacuation time for Wilma. So pack up your camera, Anderson, and get your nelly ass off the beach! We need news, not an action figure! And your “keeping them honest” shtick means nothing when your reporting is so biased towards the Bush administration. CNN even booted potato-faced Aaron Brown to give Anderson his slot. Cronkite couldn't get hired today--are they putting CNN casting notices on porn sites? Suzanne Malveaux is so stunning that I can't concentrate on her reports. Is lip gloss really appropriate for a newscaster? It plainly says "Place dick here." (Trust me, I oughta know!) But their looks aren't the reason this new crop of anchors sucks. They gloss over the actual news on shows like Larry King’s, which focuses on tabloid junk like Laci and Natalee. Erik Melendez’s wife got three fucking shows! Larry-kins, that murderer is locked up so we're safe from him. Maybe investigate the murderer in the White House? Tweety-bird impersonator Paula Zahn is one of the worst. She focues on three or four “big” stories in her prime–time evening broadcast and now has an interactive feature which includes a count-down of which stories viewers logged onto most on the CNN sites. Well, guess what, Paula? This isn’t American Idol and should not be a competition of any kind. What? More people are interested in it so it becomes more news-worthy because you’d rather placate the morons of this country with cute stories about zoo animals which are saved?The same morons who’ll be wondering a few years down the line why no one stressed the seriousness of global warming? I’d prefer to get my news from researchers who decide which stories are more pertinent and don’t give a damn about the feel-good stories which the owner of CNN includes regularly so that we can forget the sorry state of this administration who CNN’s owners’ contributions keep in power in exchange for tax-breaks. Perfect example, CNN just profiled a black family who’d been reunited, against all odds, with their adorable little girl. Well, the truth of the matter is that thousands of bodies have not been recovered and looking for them isn’t a priority. Are these families being profiled? But just keep it “nice.” I saw a flight attendant offer a newspaper to someone seated next to me and they declined. She replid, “It’s all depressing anyway, isn’t it.” That’s right, little dumplin’. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it because it might spoil your day. CNN anchors are not only increasing good-looking, but jovial as well, and they thank each other profusely and say things to each other like “Have a nice weekend!” between segments. A little formaility please. The last thing we need are rose-colored glasses to soften the ugly and far-reaching blunders of this administration. This chipper attitude has grown markedly over the past three years and in the saddest political era of my life, our most liberal TV news is turning into Entertainment Tonight. CNN constantly covered Baby Noor, the Iraqi infant with spinal bifida who an American soldier “discovered.” Noor required an operation unavailable in Iraq, so our sweet soldier flew her to Atlanta for surgery. Hungh? REWIND! The US is in Iraq to create victims, not save deformed baby girls! But someone must have told CNN, "Put a friendlier face on the war." This is blatant propaganda--and CNN is supposedly the "liberal" channel?!? STOP THE PRESS! Literally! "Media watchdog" is not a role I ever dreamt I'd play. But as any victim of 9/11, Katrina, or Sago could tell you--if they were alive--this government was incapable of heeding the warnings for these disasters. Didja hear the one about Bush being the largest recipient of campaign contributions from mine-owners and as payback, he restricted access to the mines' safety reports? IT'S TRUE! ! Ba-dum-pum! Oops! Gotta go--there's a special on the drunk who fell off that cruise ship!
SAUL ZANOLARI
Click here ARTSHOLE to check out the redrawn photos of Spanish artist Saul Zanolari. The one below is of NYC's Flawless Sabrina, who before becoming of the most outrageous (and oldest) club "kids" time was the chic femcee from the bitchy 1960's drag pageant movie THE QUEEN. Saul has also redrawn pix of RuPaul, Simon LeBon and moi. 
PETEWATCH!
Miss Burns is at it again--calling the police and an ambulance for himself! GENIUS! Pics too, with lips swollen from "a facial". Love that nut! THESUN
TATTOO OF THE MONTH
 Please! No tacky, misogynistic jokes about whether or not this smells better than the real thing!
THE FUTURE OF ROCK!
MOLVANIAIs this Ali G? I didn't experience anything this interesting at the whole Miami Winter Music Conference!
LA RUE STROKIN' OFF!
 No, not RUE PAUL! Dame Danny La Rue! The groundbreaking UK drag legend has suffered a stroke and will retire, The Pink Paper reports. PINKNEWSLarue had one of the most spectacular wardrobes in drag history, especially since his era of greatest popularity was the 1960's, so the wigs were high and the lashes long. I got to see him in the early '90's with another UK drag legend Leigh Bowery, who took me to see his insane music hall style revue over spotted dick (the dessert) in East London. His blue-haired fans and I loved it when he told that ancient joke about, oh here goes my ripping off her off disguised as a tribute... Two guys are on the beach and one asks the other how to attract more girls. His friend says put a few potatoes in your speedos and the girls will come running. He puts in the taters but it has the opposite effect and girls run screaming and holding their noses, so he goes back to his friend and asks what he did wrong. His friend says "Next time, put the potatoes in the front of your swimsuit." Wah wah! Here's to you, Lady La Rue! 
JEWISH HAIKU
Don't know who wrote these, but Howie Pyro forwarded them and since I'm in Miami, they appealed to my inner jew. Lacking fins or tail the gefilte fish swims with great difficulty. ***** Beyond Valium, peace is knowing one's child is an internist. ***** On Passover we opened door for Elijah. Now our cat is gone. ***** After the warm rain the sweet smell of camellias. Did you wipe your feet? ***** Her lips near my ear, Aunt Sadie whispers the name of her friend's disease. ***** Today I am a man. Tomorrow I will return to the seventh grade. ***** Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. But her son is forty. ***** The sparkling blue sea reminds me to wait an hour after my sandwich. ***** Like a bonsai tree, is your terrible posture at my dinner table. ***** Jews on safari -- map, compass, elephant gun, hard sucking candies. ***** The same kimono the top geishas are wearing: I got it at Loehmann's. ***** The shivah visit: so sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems. ***** Mom, please! There is no need to put that dinner roll in your pocketbook. ***** Seven-foot Jews in the NBA slam-dunking! My alarm clock rings. ***** Sorry I'm not home to take your call. At the tone please state your bad news. ***** Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done? ***** Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz. Five-day forecast: feh! ***** Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah Oy! To be fluent! ***** Quietly murmured at Saturday Synagogue services, Yanks 5, Red Sox 3. ***** A lovely nose ring, excuse me while I put my head in the oven. **** Hard to tell under the lights. White Yarmulke or male-pattern baldness.
LEPRECHAUN SITED IN MOBILE, AL
FAYE GOING OFF!
Someone posted a phone message from Miss Dunaway who's a little displeased with something. She's discussing some interview and doesn't want MOMMIE DEAREST to be the focus. LISTEN HERE: DLISTED
LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT
Frequent blog visitor Jan sent me this one: "Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the Army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished. Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy, or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you. What He is saying is 'Take a hint."
DON'T TAKE GRAMPS TO MARDI GRAS!
 TAKE HIM TO CHURCH INSTEAD!
ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS!
DO YOU TAKE IT...
IN THE ASS? asks this delightful video forwarded to me by Richard of the great blog PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOUTUBE
DISCO DELIVERY
If ya love disco like I do, you'll worship this site! DISCODELIVERY Unlike some (ahem!) bloggers I know, Tommy's a disco-lovin' Canadian who posts regular entries, complete with album artwork, soundbites and well-written commentary on disco records. Today's pick is Phylicia Allen's (aka Rashad) Jacques Morali-produced dance album with the mom from the Cosby's in a disco-meets-Josephine-Baker look, where she is actually wearing--GASP--eyeliner! I've always thought she was pretty, but for some reason--I guess because she was playing a housewife but that doesn't explain a similar look she still wears to public appearances--very little eye make-up. None! Zero! I don't expect everyone to pop on 4 pairs of upper lashes and one pair on the bottom like I do, but bitch, you're in showbiz! Paint your bugged-out eyes a little! A little liner in the rim would actually de-bug them! But don't let my hatefulness prevent you from visiting Disco Delivery to see Mrs. Huxtable in her revealing Josephine Baker banana skirt get-up. With ankle-strapped disco sandles no less!
TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY
To friends and family, I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. We just purchased a one bedroom condo near Sannibel Island in South Florida as an investment property. It finally closed last week, so we thought that we would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent. Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family. And especially our Internet buddies. Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know, but we can discuss that on an individual basis. In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below. Let us know if you're interested ..  PS: THANKS TO JAN FOR SENDING ME THIS SHIT!
AMANDA WHO?
No offense, Miss Lepore! But there's another famed transsexual goddess en route to NYC for an art exhibit: AMANDA LEAR! Don't miss this one! I hear she'll even be at the opening at the Envoy Gallery: ENVOYGALLERY You can also visit Amanda's Of-fish-ial site (under construction) at AMANDALEARA little more informative, with interviews and sound clips of her recordings is EURODANCEHITS
BLOWFLY IN BROOKLYN!
 BLOWFLY AT CLUB EXIT IN BROOKLYN ON 4/7--This fool gets around so check out his myspace page for his full schedule. And don't forget to listen to his ridiculous X-rated version of SESAME STREET. And he actually answered my email! BLOWFLYONMYSPACE
BEDAZZLED!
Love these new video hosting sites! Bedazzled hosts several weird clips including this bizarre interview with J.B. right after he popped his wife with a pipe (presumably after sucking on a smaller pipe) and is out on bail, but seems to be feeling no pain on LA's SONIA LIVE. SPIKEPRIGGENThere's also a schmaltzy Beatles medley featuring Bobbie Gentry, Engelbert Humperdink, Gwen Verdon (what an entrance!) and the always terrible cornball Bing Crosby! The arrangement is freakish but the staging is so cool and Bobbie mesmerizing!! SPIKEPRIGGENI'm sure that cover would make the dead Beatles turn over in their grave and Paul McCartney gnaw Heather's fake leg off in agony, but it's not as bad as this stale, half-baked cover of BREAD's smash IF: Telly Savalas butchers it, talk-singing it in between puffs of his trademark cigar on DINAH SNORE! SPIKEPRIGGENI guess the idea was, we need to milk these big stars' talents. They can't sing, so we'll have them recite poetry set to music. (Maybe Britney and Enrique Iglesias should give this a try.) In this clip, a handsome young William Shatner reads a women's lib poem called WHERE IS IT WRITTEN set to music. SPIKEPRIGGENThere's plenty more on this site and you may want the home address cuz there are different types of files for each vid, as well as plenty other vid's to choose from. BEDAZZLEDMUSIC
CRAIG'S PISSED
Thanks to the ever-demented Tommy for passing this gem frommCRAIG'S LIST along. I responded and she called and we have a date tonight! I'm bulking up with a big breakfast as we speak! LAST NIGHT MY BEST FRIEND'S HUSB & I WERE OUT DRINKING Reply to: pers-142978334@craigslist.org Date: 2006-03-18, 9:59AM WE ENDED UP HIS BROWNSTONE HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE AWAY. HE STARTED RUBBING HIS COCK ANS I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES AND SUCKED HIM> HE MADE ME STAY UNDER HIS BALLS FOR ABOUT 20 MINS. THAN HE HAD TO SHIT AND I SUCKED HIM ON THE TOILET> HE WIPED HIS ASS AND TOLD ME TO CLEAN UP INSIDE HIS HOLE. I DID"NT WANT TO BUT HE SAT DOWN ON MY FACE AND WHEN MY TOUNGE WAS UP INSIDE HIS HOLE HE WAS VERY HAPPY I STAYED UP THERE FOR 45 MINS,THE SMELL AND TASTE OF THE HINT OF HIS SHIT MADE ME HIGH AND MY MOUTH HAD A NEW SENSATION THAT WAS FANTASIC.IN THE BEGINNING MY TOUNGE WAS EMBEDDED WITH HIS SHIT AND HE TOLD ME TO SAVOR IT AND THEN SWALLOW,IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT. THEN HE TURNED ME AROUND AND PISSED DOWN MY THROAT AND TOLD ME NOT TO MOVE OR LOSE A DROP> I DIDN'T. I GULPED IT DOWN & MY STOMACH BEGAN TO CRAMP FROM THE AMOUNT OF LIQUID, I CAME AT THAT POINT AND HE GOT DRESSED AND LEFT. LATER I WAS SORRY I DIDN'T GET HIS CUM. HE INSISTED HE IS NOT GAY BUT HE COULD'NT GET GIRLS TO DO THIS. HIS WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND I FEEL WEIRD> BUT IT WAS THE MOST SURPRISING EXCITING NIGHT OF MY LIFE WOULD LIKE TO REPEAT IT WITH A MASC BEARDED WHITE HUSKY STOCKY OR CHUBBY MAN. WHO IS VERBAL AND WHO HAS A BIG ASS WITH A TIGHT HOLE DISEASE FREE. I LIVE IN MANHATTAN. I A HUSKY HAIRY CUTE BEAR CUB WHO WAS ALWAYS INTO VANILLA SERVICE TILL NOW. HIV NEG SEND PIC IF YOU HAVE ONE. Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/m4m/142978334.html
SAYONARA, TOKYO!
My trip was a bit of a disappointment. Not because of Japan itself, but rather my own flu-ish condition and the rheumy eyes through which I viewed my exotic, new surroundings. I'd had a rotten cold for a week before leaving on Valentine's Day. I missed my therapy session so now I'll save some $ by whining to you! By the time I got off the 12 hour flight, sucking in the same air as the other international bird flu, turd flu and SARS-infected passengers I was riddled with a cold so debilitating that they would want to put those fucking surgical masks on when I trolled by slinging my deadly snot.  As if those masks work. Are they worn by the sick to prevent others' contamination or as protection from getting sick? Or to filter out pollution? This guy who lowered his mask to have a ciggy certainly seems to defeat whatever the purpose was. Maybe they should design a smoker's version of the mask with a hole at the mouth.  Anyhoo, I came over to dj at a Visionaire launch/exhibition/party, but I thought why come all this way without hanging out for a few extra days? It's a long flight and I'd only been here once, with Willie Ninja, Sister DImension, Madamae Ekaterina Sobechanskaya, club-kid legend Olympia and a few others to work a Suzanne Bartsch party. Since we never made it out of Tokyo, I'd wanted to return and use a spare day to take the bullet train to Kyoto and have a gander at the temples, geishas and what not. WRONG! I will never again underestimate the crippling force of jet-lag, which has never hit me like it did this time. (Old?) I was hag-xhausted, but unable to sleep because my rhythms were fucked-up. I guess what I'd recommend to a visitor to any land that far away are bringing plenty of melatonin, Ambien or other sleeping aids, and DEFINITELY figuring in at least a day of leisurely recovery time before you have to "do" anything, much less hop a train to another city to explore. I was also poorly prepared for my trip. I'd had only jumped out of my 4-day sickbed to rush around the day before my departure trying to accessorize the borrowed kimono which I imagined I'd wear while go-go dancing to TURNING JAPANESE on a street corner behind a tip cup, with dumbfounded japanese looking on in shock, disgust, dismay--whatever. I thought it might be cute to cut graphics into the footage which indicated that I was an "international sensation", along with other segments in which I asked perplexed japanese for directions to the Great Wall, or perhaps brandished a piece of dental floss offering to blindfold strangers on the street. I had visions of prissing through the shopping areas and showing the Harajuku girls of HOLLA BACK fame a thing or two as their eyes narrowed at my "wicked style", and dreamt of later photo-shopping a Hacidic male's hat and spit-curls onto my head as a Hara-JEW-ku girl. All for you, my dear readers! I would also recommend bringing fiber supplements. I know that whole continents subsist on white rice, but like our white bread and the food in Torino which the Winter Olympics athletes just complained about yesterday, there is very little fiber in it. Together with the few vegetables served (to me) in Japan besides seaweed, you're likely to be literally "full of shit" throughout your stay. And another thing--only take nutrition tips from fat people. I also hadn't done my research, since I was busy wiping away my bountiful snot while shopping for the "perfect jewelry" for the borrowed psychedelic TURNING JAPANESE kimono which I wouldn't even wear once. I didn't go online and google any gay highlights (like the popular gay bar Mr. Strawberry--how fruity!) or tourist attactions or find out info on that bullet train to Kyoto. And Tokyo, much larger than NYC, is a bit daunting. A few warnings. Outside of your hotel, english is not widely spoken. Your ATM cards and cellphones are unlikely to work everywhere. Tokyo is huge and the subway was confusing--though I'm admittedly not a map person. Taxis are abundant, but japanese have their own unique way of giving directions and unless your destination is a well-known landmark, rotsa ruck with the non-english speaking cabdrivers. Oh, and the taxi doors, like the escalators which are triggered to start right before you step on them, are automated. Don't touch them! The driver won't like it. He wants to be in control of opening and closing them. And their spotless white gloves are so cute!  Not so cute? Trying to get my big bubble-headed moose-ass into the diminuative japanes taxis!  The japanese are a fascinating and often startlingly gorgeous people. As soon as the male flight attendant made his announcements in a whispery, polite, barely audible manner which was so different from our loud and gregarious "Welcome aboard and how 'bout that Super Bowl?" stewardesses, I began to realize how different our people are. Personally, I am probably the direct opposite of these reserved, polite, efficient and cheery clean freaks. Well, except for the freak part. I was shocked to see construction workers painstakingly putting out their cigarette butts on the bottom of their shoes and then into the trash can. Can you imagine a gruff American workman doing anything other than flinging his cigarette butt on the ground? There are hardly any homeless people here, although my keen eye clocked one, who gave me a cheery if toothless grin from his makeshift hut.  And he singlehandedly disproved the myth about miniature asian dicks.He had 10 inches! Well, 7 after I lovingly removed the dirt and scabs. I had brought along a magnifying glass to aid in my quest for cock--but next time I'll come better prepared with a microscope. No, I'm kidding! Japanese dicks are the perfect size....for flossing with! Oink! But unlike the above gentleman, most of these folks are super-industrious! How else could they afford to be the world's largest consumers of luxury items? Japan keeps those high-end labels in business. And japanese taste is definitely quirky, with a penchant for bright colors and a martian (as my Wigstock partner/fine artist Scott Lifshutz called it) sensibility everywhere. SQUINT AND YOU CAN PROBABLY DETECT THE ANTENNAE AND HOME-MADE NECKLACE HANGING FROM A SEQUIN BAND.  MORE MARTIAN  MORE MARTIAN  MORE MARTIAN  MORE MARTIAN  MORE MARTIAN  EVEN DOGS WORK A LOOK!   THIS GENIUS CREATION WAS IN THE WINDOW OF A JAPANESE 7-11. CAN WE DISCUSS THE WHITE THIGH BOOTS AND TANK TOP ORNAMENTED WITH A RHINESTONED MINIATURE BAT-WING? AMAZINGLY CUTE!  Maybe it's my pre-conceived notion of the "ancient treasures of the Orient", but you do get a delicious feeling that they're keyed in to some "mystery of the Orient" which westerners aren't, and that they're somehow at peace with themselves. Until you see something like this:  Well I certainly didn't see anything like that at the glittering Visionaire soiree, held atop the famous Mori Tower, and presented by Van Cleef and Arpels and Moet Chandon. I met the creative director of Van Cleef and I'm not sure he understood my humor as I enthused, "I've always been such a fan of your exquisite jewelry", and holding up a VIP access dog-tag on a disposable chain, "but NONE of your designs could ever compare to THIS." He laughed nervously, no doubt noticing the mismatched jewelry that I was forced to wear as my jeweler is busy gearing up for that blasted Night of 1000 Goons.  I arrived and the photgraphers went wild. Both of them! They were screaming for me in their native tongue. I was later informed that translated, their words meant "Get out of the way, scag!", "What is the fuck is it?", "Quick! Get my surgical mask!" and "Where's Cecelia?".  (IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, THE LETTERS I'M COVERING SPELLED OUT "MAGIC"," NOT TRAGIC"! Cecilia Dean, the Visionaire-y who you may recognize from her stunning Harry Winston ad, obliged the shutterbugs by arriving just moments later with her handsome escort David.  Since the radiant Cecilia brought nothing to wear (!), Balenciaga fedexed her a gown from Paris, which deserves it's own full-length shot. (Guys, for the record, I don't consider myself a photo-journalist, but I'm trying!)  Her bag is haute, and I think her dress would look great on me--as a scarf! Cecilia and David are joined here by the suave Greg Foley, another Visionaire staffer. Now Visionaire and I have a longstanding and somewhat peculiar realtionship. I never really intended to become a dj, and still can't mix worth a damn, but as music in the clubs got harder and more techno-y in the 90's, a lot of clubs would stick me in the lounge because I provided a relief from the usual main floor fare by spinning a variety of tempo, styles, and eras. No one really took me seriously as a dj until this deluxe, glossy art and fashion quarterly started hiring me to play their parties in New York, Paris, Milan, London, and Miami. And as high end as their publication may be, the Visionaire crew has a delightful sense of humor and appreciates my sense of trash. Like the time they arrived at the hotel in Paris to have the handicapped toilet door swing open to reveal me bombed and blowing the vietnamese janitor. At 5:00 am on that night, I dialed up Cecilia's room to inform her that I'd spoken with Stephen Gan, the head honcho pictured below,  and that her services would no longer be needed at Visionaire, effective immediately. Stephen reminded me that I'd also tried to blow Greg at each of their first 10 parties. Hey! A girl can't help it if she's got good taste, can she? Look how suave Greg still looks sampling figs and candied ginger dipped in chocolate. Luckily for Greg, I have finally given up after 10 years.  SPOTTED: THE GAL FROM PIZZICATO FIVE--WHAT A POSE! SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR HEAVENLY-TITLED TRACKS LIKE STRAWBERRY SLEIGHRIDE AND MAGIC TWIN CANDLE TALE.  SEX CHANGE SITING!  ANOTHER SEX CHANGE SITING!  Now this drag had a novel idea. Take a cab and arrive with one wig on head and one in hand.  Then for added height, plop the second wig on top and secure it with some sort of stick lodged in the base wig prior to arrival, et voila!  JAPANESE CARTOON BLING BLING   NEW YORK ELECTRO DUO DUKE WAS PERFORMING AT CLUB FALINE THAT NIGHT.  AT THE INVITATION OF THIS LOVELY LADY, WHO WAS INTRODUCED AS THE QUEEN OF THE HARAJUKU GIRLS. (I guess the hot new look over there is nightshades with long reddish hair under the arms! I wonder if Lypsinka knows how in she is...)  AND I GUESS THE SIDEWAYS (OR SHOULD I SAY SLANTED?) PEACE SIGN IS THE POPULAR POSE:  IS THIS ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST ADORABLE COUPLE OR WHAT?  GURL, I EVEN FOUND TRADE IN TOKYO!  border="0" alt="" />ATTACHED TO THIS!  I wouldn't exactly call his gold-sequinned cowboy hat to be as cutting edge as Visionaire's latest issue, but then neither was the moment when I incorrectly cued up a compilation cd which I'd made, and instead of the Basement Jaxx's DO YOUR THING I'd intended to play, out came the horrifyingly gauche opening strains of LA VIDA LOCA. (At least I didn't fuck up and play Wanda Jackson's FUJIYAMA MAMA, a rockabilly song in which Wanda threatens "I can cause distruction, just like the atom bomb". The only thing sadder were the remaining 4 minutes of the song that I was forced to grin and bear all and bounce around in mock delight as the dancefloor cleared. Troll in the hizouse! This admiring dancer didn't seem to mind. I have two captions for this shot: SHE SAID: ORDINARILY, I"M THE ONE ON MY KNEES! HE SAID: THE LONGER I STROKE HER FLAT WHITE ASS, THE SHORTER HER NECK GETS!  I THINK THIS GAL IS TOKYO'S GAND MASTER OF TEA CEREMONIES (REALLY!)  Socialites mingled in designer duds as expensive champagne flowed freely--was I the TOAST OF TOKYO?  OR JUST PLAIN TOASTED? OR JUST PLAIN?  I was plain BUSTED by the time I crawled back to the Ana Hotel. It was there I'd stay for the next few days, clutching a snot-rag and the remote. I had hoped to catch some traditional kabuki drag in a theater, but there was plenty of gender-bending on the telly. I marvelled at the site of these geisha drags in a musical, but was not prepared for the drag kings which followed. At least I think they were drag kings. (That rheumy eye again.) And then there were some really nutty club kid/musical looks that would have done Sister Dimension proud. Forgive the red eye function on my camera--I just got it and couldn't figure out how to turn it off as I (literally) feverishly snapped away at the TV screen.         If you ever visit this site again with those red-eye "art pix" photo essay, soon I'll post pix from my trip to shopping havens Harajuku Street and Shibuya. Yeah, real soon. It took me a month to post these!
NEW DRAG VIDEO
featuring the "talents" of San Fran's Juanita More ( JUANITAMORE and Vancouver's ridiculous Cotton from the House of Venus ( VENUSHOUSE . I didn't say it was a good video, but they are both in it! MIICHAELPALMIERIAlso, drag legend Hot Chocolate (aka Larry Edwards--check out this Vegas showgirl's insane celeb pix from Lana Turner to Cher LARRYEDWARDSLIVE) will appear on the final episode of TLC's BEYOND THE BULL. (I hope she's not playing the bull.) It airs Thursday March 16th at 10:00 and Friday March 17th at 1:00 AM, although she emailed me from Vegas so who knows whether it's Eastern time or whatever. You probably aren't going to watch it anyway an neither am I! I'll be in Atlanta with my mom Lady Becky! And please don't use the Trannyshack calendar I recommended a few months ago to check the dates--the pitchers are real purdy, but the dates are off!
BOSTON LEGAL PROTEST
A scene so powerful I'm shocked that ABC aired it. I guess it's permitted as fiction.
CRASH=TRASH
According to Pullitzer Prize-winning author Annie Proulx, who wrote the short story upon whuch BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN was based. It's a fun, dishy read: CBSNEWS
COST OF IRAQ WAR
The Cost Of Iraq War National Priorities Project March 14th, 2005 COST OF IRAQ WAR AS OF TODAY: $247,383,000,000 WHAT WE COULD HAVE DONE WITH THE ABOVE MONEY IF WE USED IT FOR PEOPLE ON ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: - fully funded all global anti hunger efforts for 10 years! - fully funded all global HIV/ AIDS programs for 24 years! - make sure every child on the planet was given basic immunizations for 82 years! - build 2,227,461 additional housing units! -sent 32,766,066 children to one year of Head Start! - hired an additional 4,287,193 teachers for a year! - provided 11,287,631 FULL FOUR YEAR scholarships to public universities. - we could have fully insured 148,134,000 children for a year. - we could have saved over 2,300 American lives and tens of thousands of the citizens of Iraq lives. - we could have given Lady Bunny a sex change, face lift, second chin removal, full body electrolysis, eye-lift, nose job, botox, dermabrasion, tummy tuck, neck-lengthening, wrist- and heel-shaving, small toe and rib removal, exquisite costumes studded with real gemstones, a different sky-high coiffure for every occasion, villas in every Latin American country with horse-hung staff and lotsa drugs to share with friends who I'd fly in regularly on my fleet of private luxury jets to share the wealth. Oh, and a hit man for Lindsay Lohan!
HEY!
Today is National Mental Health Day! You can do your part by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend. Well.....my part's done!
HELL YEAH!
At a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify. As he ended his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs asked:"Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?" Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." The room erupted into applause. _
TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY
To friends and family, I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. We just purchased a one bedroom condo near Sannibel Island in South Florida as an investment property. It finally closed last week, so we thought that we would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent. Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family. And especially our Internet buddies. Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know, but we can discuss that on an individual basis. In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below. Let us know if you're interested .. PS: THANKS TO JAN FOR SENDING ME THIS SHIT!
BLONDIE INDUCTED TO R&R HALL OF FAME
And guess who was there with her trusty li'l ol' camera! I was thrilled to be asked to dj. Debbie's a friend, but long before I ever met her, I was a huge fan of Blondie's music. (PS: There's a new greatest hits coming out soon!) But despite the great music, Debbie's a fashion icon. Sure, she was blessed with an extraordinarily gorgeous face--a cat-like cross between Michelle Pfeiffer and Marilyn Monroe which embodies New Wave glamor--but from the hair to the clothes, she has a great personal style. The most gorgeous woman in rock, EVER! And she wrote/co-wrote most of her tunes! TEENAGE SEX CHANGE HARRY LOOKS MIFFED THAT ANOTHER SEX KITTEN NAMED HARRY WAS STEALING HER THUNDER!  THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT (I CAN ONLY IDENTIFY STRIPPER AMBER RAY IN THE BLONDE WIG.)  MOBBED BY PAPARAZZI ON THE RED CARPET WITH QUEER EYE'S JAI RODRIGUEZ  DOWNTOWN LEGEND TISH OF TISH AND SNOOKY, WHO RAN THE PUNKY BOUTIQUE M  EVERYONE WAS ASKED TO GRAFITTI THE BLONDIE WALL. I'M THE CUNT WHO WROTE "DEBBIE WHO?" IN BOLD LETTERS.  RON JEREMY BEING INTERVIEWED BY VH1  You gotta hand it to ol' Ron--he gets around! I love the way that he's parlayed his porn career into PG celebrity status. I mean, he was never that handsome in the 70's and he hasn't made a porno flick in years. I guess his dick is still big, and in some people's book (including mine!), that amounts to something. More power to him. Seems like a real sweetheart every time I've bumped into him. BLONDIE MEMBER AND DEBBIE'S EX CHRIS STEIN WITH AN ARTSY POSE  DAVID BARTON AND SUZANNE BARTSCH  FAB 5 FREDDIE (RIGHT) W/FRIEND  If you'll recall, Freddy was name-checked by Debbie in RAPTURE, the top 40 rap hit. Here'a few of that insane song's lyrics: Fab 5 Freddie told me everybody's high DJ's spinnin' are savin' my mind Flash is fast, Flash is cool Francois sez fas, Flashe' no do And you don't stop, sure shot Go out to the parking lot And you get in your car and you drive real far And you drive all night and then you see a light And it comes right down and lands on the ground And out comes a man from Mars And you try to run but he's got a gun And he shoots you dead and he eats your head And then you're in the man from Mars You go out at night, eatin' cars You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too Mercurys and Subarus And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' cars Then, when there's no more cars You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet Face to face, dance cheek to cheek One to one, man to man Dance toe to toe Don't move to slow, 'cause the man from Mars Is through with cars, he's eatin' bars Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall He's gonna eat 'em all Rapture, be pure Take a tour, through the sewer Don't strain your brain, paint a train You'll be singin' in the rain I said don't stop, do punk rock SPEAKING OF CRAZY LYRICS, HERE'S FRED SCNEIDER OF THE B-52's LOOKING DAPPER.  THE B-52S' KATE PIERSON--LOOKING ABOUT 20 YEARS OLD!  THE RETARDED DAVID ILKU, ONE HALF OF DUELLING BANKHEADS  MICHAEL SCHMIDT, WHO'S DESIGNED EXQUISITE CHAIN MAIL SHOW WEAR FOR DEBBIE, CHER AND TINA TURNER, PICTURED WITH NEW AUTHOR AND FORMER CAMILLE PAGLIA SIDEKICK GLEN BELVERIO  A RED-HAIRED DEBBIE FLANKED BY DESIGNER TODD THOMAS AND DEB'S SOMETIME BACK-UP DANCER ROB ROTH  SAME CREW AFTER A FEW MORE SHOTS OF GERITOL  2 GENERATIONS OF SCENESTERS: HEATHERETTE DESIGNER RICHIE RICH AND STUDIO 54 PHOTOG/POET BOBBY MILLER AGAINST ONE OF THE AMAZING PROJECTIONS OF DEBBIE ALL OVER EVERY WALL  ROCK DJ/PROMOTER AND SUPER-TWISTED SISTER MICHAEL T  ME WITH ONE OF MY IDOLS, UBER-PRODUCER, SONGWRITER AND FRONTMAN OF CHIC, NILE RODGERS  I was delighted that Nile was so friendly, and he even asked for my number so that I coul email some of the pix! (He hasn't called yet.) For you young'uns who never tore up a dancefloor to Chic disco-era hits like LE FREAK, EVERYBODY DANCE, MY FORBIDDEN LOVER, I WANT YOUR LOVE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE or the hits Chic produced for other artists including Sister Sledge's WE ARE FAMILY and Diana Ross's UPSIDE DOWN and I'M COMING OUT, you may be more familiar with the many hip-hop artists who've have sampled his work. Not only did Chic's GOOD TIMES form the background for RAPPER'S DELIGHT, but I'M COMING OUT became the basis of Notorious P.I.G.'s MO MONEY, MO PROBLEMS, CHIC CHEER is the groove behind Faith Evans' stomper LOVE LIKE THIS and Sister Sledge's HE'S THE GREATEST DANCER became Will Smith's GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT. I wish Nile would call me, cuz I'd love to gush to him over his amazing talents. How incredible that there's so much musicality in ONE measure of one of his tunes that samplers can base an entire new song on the one 2 bar phrase. I'd also love to know what he who created the ultra-sophisticated grooves which incorporated the bumping live basslines of Bernard Edwards thinks of today's infantile r&b, which barely has a chord progression, much less a key change. Like the awful smash YEAH by Usher. But here a go again--using a fun-filled bash as an excuse to add a bitter rant! TRANSSEXUAL SONGSTRESS BIANCA LEIGH WITH THAT DESIGNER SHOW'S WINNER  DEBBIE'S REAL LIFE SISTER, WHO'S A HOOT AND RUNS A VERY DELICIOUS RESTAURANT IN RED BANK, NJ  THE SCISSOR SISTERS' ANA MATRONIC WAS CUTTING UP. GET IT? SCISSORS? CUTTING UP? FEEL FREE TO USE THAT ONE.  TROLL ABOUT TOWN/JEWELRY DESIGNER AND HILARIOUS FOOL MARIA AYALA  THE GORGEOUS LAUREN PINE, WHO HAS HELPED ME THROUGH MY MANY FRANTC COSTUMES CHANGES DURING WIGSTOCK FOR YEARS AND SHE STILL SPEAKS TO ME!  MARC JACOBS AND SHUTTERBUG PATRICK MCMULLAN  MARC'S COMPANION JASON PRESTON, WHO JUST GOT A DESIGNER TATTOO  Jason used to hustle on rentboy.com, so rumors are flying every time Mark appars with the guy. The NY Post ran this item on Saturday: "Talk about corporate branding. Marc Jacobs' "rent boy" sidekick, Jason Preston, just got the fashion designer's company logo tattooed along the length of his forearm. Preston, 25, who previously had "MJ" shaved into the side of his head, showed off the alarming new inkage Thursday night at the Stephen Weiss Gallery, where Jacobs hosted a celeb-studded party for Debbie Harry, who's being inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame with her band Blondie. Preston, who used to work as a $225-per-hour escort on gay site rentboy.com, is said to have quit the flesh-peddling gig and now lists his job on his friendster.com profile as "personal assistant." But when we contacted a spokeswoman for Jacobs and asked if Preston's tattoo was job-related, she said Preston was not employed by the company. "I think he's just a friend of Marc's," she said. By yesterday morning, Preston, who is also known as Jason Gore, had already posted a photo on friendster of himself, Jacobs and Lindsay Lohan mugging for the cameras at the Blondie bash. Under "schools," Preston wrote, "College of the Hardknocks!!!" And under "companies," Preston penned this somewhat disturbing statement: "I know you see me now, trying hard not to stare, acting like I wasn't there to you, can you see me now, am I clear to ya, On the red carpet in MARC JACOBS CLOTHES." Jacobs and Preston may have been the kookiest couple at the bash, but there were plenty of notable names who turned out to support Harry. Director John Waters, actress Gina Gershon, Sonic Youth rocker Kim Gordon, B-52 Fred Schneider, writer Fran Lebowitz, rock spawn Kelly Osbourne, "Project Runway" winner Jay McCarroll, rap eminence Fab 5 Freddy, roly-poly porn legend Ron Jeremy, drag queen Lady Bunny, Heatherette designer Richie Rich, art gallerist Gavin Browne and foxy painter Hope Atherton were just some of the faces in the hipper-than-thou crowd. While Jacobs and Preston left early to hit the "Distortion Disko" dance party at Duvet, Harry was having so much fun that she was literally the last celebrity to leave her own party. "When it emptied out, she asked the deejay to play 'Rapture' and broke out some hot moves on the dance floor," reports one straggler." DEBBIE BOOGIES DOWN  Although I'm happy to appear on Page Six, the Post got a couple of things wrong here. I was the last dj on, and while Debbie was cutting the rug late in the evening, she did not request RAPTURE. She requested Earth, Wind and Fire if you must know. I didn't have any EWF with me, but she boogied down to RAPPER'S DELIGHT. Just to goof her, whenever she seemed to be really enjoying herself on the floor, I would yank the music off for a second to gag her as she looked up in shock. TWICE! Tee hee! DEBBIE ASKS "DID THAT HATEFUL BUNNY TURN OF THE MUSIC AGAIN?"  DEBBIE VOMITS WHEN I PLAYED MADONNA WITH MY CHIC FRIEND MERIKO FROM LONDON IN THE FOREGROUND WITH DATE  But back Marc's hustler. Maybe Marc is paying the guy. Anything wrong with that? It's the world's oldest profession and I daresay Marc can afford it and no one's getting hurt. Well, Jason's cock is 9 inches and thick so maybe Marc's getting hurt a little bit if he's a bottom. But do hustlers normally get their johns' names tattooed on them? Of course not. I'll bet the sweet kid's in love with Marc--Marc IS a complete sweetheart. And as uptown as his fashions are, Marc seems to revel in hanging with the kooks, from jailed rapper L'il Kim to a certain downtown transsexual performer whose breast implants Marc supposedly bought. And I doubt if Marc was even sleeping with HER! CHI CHI VALENTE DESCRIBED HER SECRET TO REALISTIC WIGS AS "BUY 'EM SO STRINGY THAT NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT!"  ANIC PANIC ON ST. MARKS PLACE EVEN THE ADORABLE WAITERS DRESSED IN A BLONDIE THEME.  MY CO-DJ MISS GUY TRIED TO MOVE IN ON THE CUTIE I HAD MY EYE ON!  AFTER ALL THAT DANCING, DEBBIE REMOVED HER EXQUISITE HIGH HEELS AND POPPED ON GLITTERY FLATS  DEBBIE, MAY I SUGGEST A MORE GLAMOROUS WAY TO EASE FOOT PAIN? HIT THE COUCH!  Also seen: Moby, John Waters, Cynthia Nixon, Gavin Brown, Kelly Osborne and Lindsay Lohan. But does anyone need to see another pic of HER? HERE'S AN INTERESTING INTERVIEW WITH BLONDIE, THEIR PAST AND THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT THE INDUCTION: BLONDIE
MALE CHASTITY BELTS
The recent mild weather in NYC heralds spring's arrival and I can already feel spring fever in the air. If you're have trouble controlling your horndog urges, may I recommend on these devices, found on queerclick.com? Sheesh! I'll never complain about tucking again!  (Perverts can click on the photo to enlarge. Maybe you guys already knew that but I am still figuring my own blog out!)
BONG HITS 4 JESUS
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - An Alaska high school violated a student's free speech rights by suspending him after he unfurled a banner reading "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" across the street from the school, a federal court ruled on Friday. READ MORE: YAHOONEWSI wonder what would have happened if he'd held a banner like this! 
BLAWG BLAHS
Hey people! My apologies for letting my blog slide a bit with irregular entries. But I have several explanations: Bitch been workin'! Bitch done had computer and blogger.com issues which computer illiterate bitch couldn't figure out! Bitch now addicted to myspace.com--more on that genius time-waster later. Bitch's reefer gone. Also, I realized how depressing scrambling to weigh in on current affairs regularly can be. A few things in my personal/work life were unsettling enough recently (jury duty!), and I really didn't feel the need to be telling anybody what needs to be done when my own ass was not together! One day, I found myself scribbling notes while listening to Randi Rhodes on AIR AMERICA thinking "This will make a great blog entry!" then chastizing myself with "Whore! Is your rent paid? Does your landlord give a fuck if you have a vital blog?" So here's my attempt to play catch up, not with an essay-length piece on anything in particular, but a schizophrenic hodge-poge which touches on anything which caught my eye in the last few weeks. Ok, months. BEYONCE'S CHECK ON IT Beyonce looks incredible in this video. As Billy Beyond put it, "She's a robot. A very beautiful robot." But I despise this song with it's two note melody which actually considers You got to be patient I like my men patient to be a rhyme. What about Haitian, Asian, or even raisin? Ok, not too many songs rhyme raisin and if you ask me, that's what's wrong with today's pop music! There no rhyme nor raisin to it. Seriously, the melody of this line is so infantile that it actually reminds me of the childhood taunt "Nah nah nah nah nah nah". Ghastly. However, you cannot take away the girl's hotness. In that blonde wig with bangs (She robbed me!) against that pink polka dot background? And in that short flirty flared skirt with all that bootyliciousness jiggling? Talk about "junk in the trunk", which I thought until just recently meant constipated! That robot is pretty sensational and I don't want pussy. I can only imagine the video's effect on hetero men. But I'll be glad to screen it for them while I blow them. Oh, and I love the scenes from the PINK PANTHER in the video which swirl by projected on a...FRYING PAN? That's so off that I have to love it! But somebody should have known better than to start with the sensuous sax line of the unforgettable PINK PANTHER theme which segueways into this crappy excuse for a "song". MICHAEL MUSTO ON MSNBC LAST NIGHT When dicussing the upcoming reality show to star Osama's niece, Michael poo-pooed possible objections with "We all have a wacky uncle in the family" and stoked the John Travolta gay rumors by hinting that though he's been cast in the Harvey Fierstein role in HAIRSPRASY, "Winnie Barbarino" can't come out of the closet because his association with Scientology won't permit it. It could turn, according to Musto, into "A WAR OF THE GIRLS" with Tom Cruise! Hee hee! Even more so if John looks more appealing in drag than Katie. MEOW! Michael also quite rightly pointed out that the Divine role is owned by Harvey. With his gruff voice and queen-sized figure, Harvey made the role grotesque. Is grotesque in John's acting repetoire? I doubt it, but please prove me wrong. Otherwise, this will be one of those classic cases of casting a box office draw instead of the deserving Broadway royalty who brought the character to life. CORETTA'S FUNERAL This was the funeral that MLK never got to have--the Nobel prize winner was snubbed by the Georgia governor and not allowed to lie in state--so it was a momentous occasion. As much as I slam CNN, they aired a lot of it and I was riveted. I misse Stevie Wonder but that female horn player tore it up! So many great performances--even Bush senior killed 'em! I do wonder how Bush Jr had the nerve to attend or why any black person would tolerate his presence there, but I suppose that his attendance was respectful and it was a time to put politics aside to honor the dead. Still, I was waiting for the Kanye West moment. Maya Angelou did turn around and look at Bush when she said "weapons of mass destruction were never found", but Carter was the one who came closet to Kanye's "George Bush doesn't care about black people" when he said something to the effect of "Look at the color of the faces of the people effected by Katrina." Black audiences tend to be very vocal, and they roared over Clinton, who is a natural-born orator and comedian. I did hate his BS about "I'd like to look at Coretta as a woman." I was hoping he'd get his speeches confused and follow with "And I did not have sexual relations with THAT woman." Bill! Lemme know if you need a new speech writer--I'll have you out of those stuffy fundraisers and on the Chitlins Circuit in no time! Hillary's set bombed, and she lost out on a huge opportunity to send the message "I'm as entertaining and forceful as my husband and like him, I can be president." I guess that's a good thing cuz no one is too ecxited about Hil right now. And speaking of Kanye, a VH1 round-up of the year's most embarassing moments included his Bush comment on live TV. Good job, VH1. Sent the message that unfilterd truth is embarassing. It was embarassing to Bush, not Kanye, you idiots! TRANSAMERICA See it now! They handled a difficult subject beautifully. I've never been able to sit through DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES so I wasn't familiar with Miss Huffman, but she totally nails the part of an awkward, nervous change. The wardrobe, make-up and hair really transformed her and I thought the fake nails a little too wide for her nail beds was a genius touch to make her hands look bigger and more masculine. Kevin Zeger as Felicity's son was excellent too, and so gorgeuous! Doesn't he look like a male Brooke Shields? In the scene when she and her son pop in on a trans-y party in Texas, I was delighted to see my friend (and real life transsexual) Bianca Leigh as the soiree's host. Wasn't that scene fantastic? A long, anxious road trip to self-awakening puntuated with a kooky tranny get-together in Texas? Nuts! I was so thrilled by the film that I interviewed Bianca for my blog. Too bad I didn't remember to turn on the tape recorder properly and wasted Bianca's great interview! Graciously, she agreed to redo it. So be on the lookout for that within the next 5 years. RANDI RHODES ON AIR AMERICA I have never listened to the radio and pumped my fist in the air while crying and laughing simultaneously. But, hey, I'm a sucker for RADIO DISNEY. (That was an attempt at a joke--ok, so I'm a little rusty!) AIR AMERICA has several great hosts. I love Jerry Springer in the morning slot and Sam Seder does a fine job of dissecting the issues form a liberal standpoint. (This is a standpoint which is rarely heard because the fabled "left-wing media" doesn't exist except for the WASHINGTON POST and NY TIMES. And they're pretty safe. As far as national TV, Kanye West blurting out something anti-war and anti-Bush on live TV is the closest many people get to even hearing the truth and that was an accident, for chrissakes! RANDI GETS HER MAKE-UP DONE FOR RADIO!  For those of you who, like me, only read the NY Times when someone forwards me a particular article or the daily must-read Huffpo links it, Randi is an unbelievably entertaining way to get your news. Not only is she hilarious, but unlike the other AIR AMERICA jocks who all have a firm grasp of the issues, Randi delights ripping the administration a new asshole, with her own jewish Borscht Belt catty flair. Some of AIR AMERICA's other hosts are a little too dry for me. And the research she does! After a presidential video conference on Katrina was recently unearthed by AP, she and her staff spent 6 hours combing through every word to rebutt it the next day. Not many of us have time for this but I'm so glad she does! I continue to hear rumblings about AIR AMERICA going under and I'm pretty sure that they lost/ are losing the use of WLIB in the NY area. I guess there is a limited # of strong-signalled stations, but you can always listen online at AIRAMERICA or if outside NYC find a station near you which airs it. It's on live from 3-7 Eastern time on WLIB and rebroadcast from 4-6 AM. Trust me, if you don't have time to sift through long newspaper articles and you like to laugh, USE HER OR LOSE HER! She's on vacation until 3/13 but please tune in to welcome this dynamo back! Or, if you want a quick fix right now, here's a podcast of one of her past shows: WILEM.COM OH, and Randi offers free ringtone downloads of bawdy 1960's comedienne Rusty Warren's "hit" BOUNCE YOUR BOOBIES at RANDIRHODESSHOWBAILING BOND  I'm loving the controversy over the new James Bond. There's a website which denounces him as not handsome enough for the part, and poor Daniel Craig has received tons of hate mail from loyal Bond fans who feel that the producers are trying to economize by casting an unknown. Now the actor has said publicly that he didn't even want the role! Breaking a tooth while shooting in the Carribean and having trouble driving the Aston-Martin didn't help the situation. Everyone from Judi Dench to Nicole Kidman to the other Bond actors have defended his acting, but it can't change one thing: he's ruggedly handsome, but with his Cockney boxer's mug, he lacks the suave, sophisticated looks of an international playboy. I don't ever recall this much outrage over an inappropriate casting, but Bond producers have usually gotten it right and in so doing, created a series with an image so powerful that the public's crying foul. I think it's an insistence on maintaining the quality of the past in a world of cheap trash. I agree that Bond films ahould be slick, dazzling affairs with swoon-over-me leading men like Roger Moore and Sean Connery, so that cheap trash like me can escape our sordid lives for 2 hours at a cost of $25 for tickets and the over-priced snacks which add unneeded pounds which raise our--oh, must I go on? THE FLAVOR OF LOVE Has anyone stumbled on this monstrosity? I couldn't take my eyes off of the one episode I caught. Basically, several girls are set up in a reality TV-style "funky" house where they attempt to compete for the love of a moron with wall clocks worn as medallions. I guess it was an attempt to cash in on the "success" of whatever horrible reality show paired Flava up with that drunken Scandinavian bombshell whose name I can't recall. One girl who gets elimanated hurls a wad of spit into one of the finalist's face. They looped the clip to show the hurling over and over. Isn't that a great message? Spit in people's face? Yet that spit is ratings gold. They were so pleased with the spit that they looped it. So when something awful happens, you've won. There needs to be an Omarosa bitvhy/evil moment or there's no conflict. I love bitchy characters when they are well-written, well=acted and well-shot fiction. But to watch a bunch of fame-hungry trolls in a compete for a man none of them actually want in the first place is garbage. One of the reasons I despise reality TV. Though I did think it was interesting that the current crop of fat celebs (Countess, Bruce Vilanch, Chastity Bono, etc) on that weight loss competition show are either black, gay, or IV drug users--the 3 high risk group for HIV infection! I guess it wouldn't be as entertaining to have AIDS victims fight to try to keep their weight on in a real reality show. I guess I noticed the high risk parallel trying to make some sense out of these shows, which I view occasionally at the gym. OKAY, OKAY! Very occasionally! When there are real controversies to address like whoops! there goes your right to privacy with the passing of the Patriot Act, how could anyone be rallying around the TV to watch a spitwad. Pretty shameful. IMPEACHMENT IS YESTERDAY'S NEWS It's been a depressing couple of days with Alito's confirmation and Bush's clueless SOTU speech. Equally sad was the turnout at the World Can't Wait call for impeachment rally in Time Square. I don't know whether the crowd of only 300 was due to the windy, damp January night or the feeling that we were preaching to the already converted democratic New Yorkers so the protest was not as necessary here. They were a spirited bunch, and I love the way the percussion instruments sound with yelling--it's a tribal ruckus which transports you to another time before there were bullhorns or any other forms of amplification. Rollerena, the exquisite rollerskating drag star of Studio 54, attended out of drag except for a rhinestone peace symbol. She's a divine creature who also happens to be a Vietnam veteran. I did enjoy the sign with an illustration of W as a chimp which read Banana Republican. I did not enjoy the speaker who was quoting the prophet Isaiah, who is really neither here nor there, so I fleeced, gurl. But not before screeching in a heart-felt if nonsensical "PUT AN END TO PARMESAN POLITICS!" Don't worry, they didn't get it at the protest either. BANANA REPUBLICAN  Is there another reason for the poor turnout? In NYC, there aren't more than 300 people to call for impeachment? Delighted that there may be legal recourse to get this monster out of the White House and possibly into a Jail House? I was floored by this. I started to ask myself if I've beenbrainwashed by the liberal lefties. I can't decipher legal issues regarding impeachment or the signifigance of the 1978 law Bush supposedly broke. If only 300 are showing up, maybe this impeachment is a farfetched impossibility hatched by wishful thinkers who don't have much of a case. Wouldn't democratic senators be joining the impeachment rally if it were truly feasible? Not really, since they've fallen down on so many fronts from Alito to voting us into the war in the first place. They fell again by choosing Senator Kaine to make a rebuttal speech. Candy Crowley commented on CNN that he was chosen because he would willingly talk about his faith. Separation of church and state is officially dead if that's true. His relationship with a myth would recommend him to make such a crucial speech though he was unknown and has only been in office for 18 days. I'll give anyone a chance. If he has faith and his hearts in the right place nd his priorities are intact, I'll hear him out. Who says an unknown can't be a rousing speaker? I realized immediately upon hearing Kaine why they'd picked him. The senator from Virginia drops his g's an says "workin'" instead of "working". To the morons in this land, that inspires trust. A well-spoken man with no accent wouldn't appeal to their simple, down-home minds. And Kaine received good marks for his speech. He got a couple of decent points in. I hated his weak "There must be a better way" tagline. For one thing, it plays right into the hands of everyone who claims, quite rightly, that dem's have no plan. If there's a better way, what the fuck is it, then? Now's your chance to wow us, doll! You've got so much ammunition against the president and his ridiculous assertions and you blew it. There must be a better way. Maybe with some emotion, some outrage, calling the president on his lies, SOMETHING REAL??? SO HERE'S MY REBUTTAL SPEECH: Can you name 10 or more people with AIDS? Can you afford health insurance? Can you say that you're working steadily enough to save money the money you need to retire? Can you afford the gasoline you need? Can you say that you think your kids are getting a decent education? Can you say that Bush handled the Katrina disaster well, either before or after? Can you say, with 2005 being the deadliest year in Iraq since the invasion of that country, that the war is going well? Can you say that you say that democracy is taking root in the Middle East with the victory of a terrorist regime in Palestine, muslim protests around the world over a cartoon and civil war erupting in Iraq? Can you say that these soldiers are in Iraq for a reason you understand, since there were no WMDs found and Iraq is not safer as a result of our efforts? Can you say that you aren't bothered by Bush's outward message of "Support the troops!" when the troops are actually in poor spirits with new recruits way below the Army's quotas, in need of body army, being given feces-tainted water to drink by Halliburton while veterans' benefits have been cut throughout Bush's presidency? Can you say, even if you support the war, that you haven't been dismayed by the constant reports by military experts who claim Bush's plan in Iraq is faulty or even non-existent? Can you say that you feel secure--security supposedly being Bush's strong suit--that Bush did not even know about the UAE ports deal which all 50 states' governors protested before it was voted down 62 to 2 as a security nightmare? Can you say that you aren't aware of the many crooks in the Bush administration who've been forced to step down or are under investigation from Abramoff to Libby to Rove to Delay to Claude Allen, Bush's top domestic policy advisor, who was arrested this week for defrauding Target and Hecht's store for $5,000? WELL THEN YOU CAN'T SAY YOU SUPPORT AN INCOMPETENT CROOK LIKE GEORGE W. BUSH! But I temporarily tuned out my self-doubts when I tuned into the last half hour of the last State of the Union speech. I got a creepy, back-sliding notion. What if Bush was not the devil I've been painting him to be? Am I locked in a hopeless liberal NYC bubble that has me believing there are legal grounds for impeachment when they don't actually exist? I know that his policies are destructive, but could this whole hall of people giving him standing ovations at every other sentence all intend to be as corrupt, greedy, hawkish, ignorant and blind? I'm always puzzled by this. If they are so religious, how do they sit in meetings and say we're going to falsify information to send our troops to their death because we need Iraqi oil? How can they all manage to trick themselves and the majority of voters, most of whom consider themselves christian? Well, regardless of how, they have. Thankfully, their tricks seem to be wearing thin and now Republicans are scrambling to distance themselves from Bush because of the Dubai ports fiasco, which plainly demonstrates how Bush values $ over our safety and Bush's sinking poll numbers. Tales of Bush's incompetence are finally hitting the airwaves regularly. It remains to be seen if his incompetence will get any "traction", which means will the "Amurican people" care enough to raise a stink about his gross injustices and flop policies this time. Uh oh! I feel another Osama Been Forgotten tape coming on.
MIDWEST AWARDS BALL
YASMEEN PRODIGY FOR RUNWAY EFFECT  CLEVER GIRL JAYLIN PRODIGY WORKED A PILLOW INTO HER LOOK. THOSE BALLS CAN BE KINDA LONG.  Frank Leon Roberts shot the recent ball wich attended the fashionistas below, as well of many others, including Mother Doodie Aphrodite of Chicago. LOADS MORE PIX: BROOKLYNBOYBLUES
CLUB KIDS ON JOAN RIVERS
Leigh Bowery, Michael Alig, James St. James, Ernie Glam and Amanda Lepore join join on her late 80's/early 90's talk show. YOUTUBE
DEVOLUTION
 Five siblings from Turkey who walk on all fours could provide science with an insight into human evolution, researchers have said. The four sisters and one brother could yield clues to why our ancestors made the transition from four-legged to two-legged animals, says a UK expert. BBC
SHE'S GOT BALLS!
Check out California drag artiste Fontasia Lamour and make sure you scroll to the bottom to check out her bizarre YES SHE'S GOT BALLS ensemble. FONTASIA LAMOUR
RICHARD SIMMONS
on WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? Ohmigod, this faggot turned that show out! The entire audience is in hysterics and the expression on it's face when it eats that imaginary coin--insane! It's time for a Richard Revival. He's clearly in on the joke, now. So much comic possiblity since everyone knows he's a fag, but it can't be said out loud. YOUTUBE
WHERE'S OSCAR-MANIA?
I'll be watching the Oscars for the first time in years tonight. I've never been a fan of the show and can't comprehend Oscar-mania. Personally, I don't need an awards ceremony to tell me which movie is worth seeing and hate Americans' obsession with competiton. In this country, it's not good enough to shoot a well-made film, it has to be # 1. And I can see the noteworthy gowns summed up in short segments on tomorrow's newscasts. But this year I feel I have a small stake in the Oscars because of the prevalence of gay/trans subject matter in the nominated pix. And because I think Jon Stewart is funny and "on my side" politically. (Though I still can't bear the fact that shows like THE DAILY SHOW and POLITICALLY INCORRECT are considered comedy when they are actually open, if funny, discussions of the news which you won't find on any of our blasted news channels.) The very fact that he's chosen to host is giving the mic to "one of us", or at least someone who regularly calls the Bush administration on it's bullshit. So I'm eager to see how much politics and gay humor he injects into the proceedings and how it plays in the media tomorrow. With Brad Pitt's people reportedly looking for a gay role for him, victories tonight may create more gay programming--to star straight actors. Maybe after a few years of gay roles played by top male stars we might be ready for--GASP--gay actors playing gay roles and maybe Sean Hayes (the flamboyant Jack from WILL AND GRACE) can come out the fucking closet. Normally, I turn off the TV a few weeks prior to the events because I get so sick of Oscar-mania. But I haven't noticed it this year and was surprised to discover that the show was tonight--there's been much less of the nauseating profiling of the designers, descriptions of after-parties, etc. than any year in my memory. I wonder if that's because of the gay subject matter. Have the powers that be ordered that networks ease off of this year's coverage because it will distress religious types? Or is my memory just slipping? Has anyone else noticed this "let's-sweep this-year-under-the-rug" amount of coverage? I did see a CNN piece on the US's geographical center Lebanon, Kansas, which interviewed a group of white-haired church ladies in a bell choir. They hadn't seen CAPOTE, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, or TRANSAMERICA and felt that these movies didn't speak to them. "What happened to THE SOUND OF MUSIC?", one asked. Well, darlings, maybe you could step outside of your dull, traditional world and open your narrow minds to something different, mind-opening and critically acclaimed. I don't think think a movie about your lives--getting married, perfecting your bundt cake recipe, learning to Beadazzle TM your holiday sweaters and never having an orgasm--offers much in the way of dramatic conflict. There isn't even a cinema in Lebanon, but the neighboring town had one and it's proprietor claimed that he hadn't screened any of those gay flicks because "Children's pictures do well here." And apparently, others in the biz are moaning that the gay-themed nominees do not represent box office smashes. CNN cut to someone from Entertainment Weekly who said (to parapharase) "The Oscars are not about ticket sales, they're about quality film-making." Today, CNN's email question was "Are the Oscars out of touch with mainstream America?". I sure hope so, because mainstream America is out of touch with reality and extremely narrow-minded. I know that there all all kinds of shenanigans involved in "buying nominations", smear campaigns for nominees and timing releases to better their chances of winning Oscar gold, and I still don't need an awards ceremony to tell me which films to see. But if the gay films win and Jon Stewart makes politcs palatable to morons who only care about who wears what with his humor, it may be a small step towards restoring reason in this country. OK, so I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic for once! GOOD LUCK, HOMOS! UPDATE: There goes my brief moment of hope. I've just seen conservative radio personality Michael Medved on CNN claiming that gay films are shoving politics down the country's throat. Politics? Really? In the tale of a sex change finding her son on a road in trip like TRANSAMERICA? Or a film about a gossipy, queeny writer (CAPOTE)? Or a grand, tragic homo love affair between two sheepherders? I mean, one of BROKEBACK characters gets killed, but where's the politics? Is BROKEBACK an example of liberal Hollywood subtly infusing America's straight male youths with the idea that they shouldn't bash us to death by depicting a fatal fag-bashing? How radical! How novel! How daring! Or since gays are out of favor with this administration, is it being overly political to dignify gays/trannies with any starring roles, even if the plots don't involve politics at all? Baffling!
FARTING PREACHER
If you are as juvenile as I am, you'll this video! EBAUMSWORLD
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: "To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: February 14, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
MOVE OVER, LYPSINKA!
The Lyp bills herself as "The Personification of Pizazz". But there's some hot new competition! Yeah! WATCH HERE: PIZAZZ
HA HA HA!
From AOL News: VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (March 2) - Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, criticized by some evangelicals for comments about Venezuela's president and Israel's prime minister, lost a bid for re-election to the National Religious Broadcasters' board of directors. READ THE REST: AOLNEWS
9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE
This bitterness was forwarded by Maureen and it totally sums up my bitter seasonal adjustment disorder blues as I prepare to pop out into the snow in open-toed wedgies for work tonight! 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
BOYCOTT DOMINO'S?
You'd be a fool to live in NYC (which has better pizza than Italy) and order Domino's pizza. But for those of you who do eat it, you now see what your $'s going towards. Maybe they can start burning witches and reinstate the Spanish Inquisition, too! And no condoms! We want those molested kids to take every drop of their priest's cum. Thanks, catholics, for reminding us that you are just as backward as Pat Robertson. He's been upstaging you for a while. from Yahoo News: NAPLES, Fla. - If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control. "I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines," Monaghan, who sold Domino's Pizza in 1998 to devote himself to doing good works, said in a recent Newsweek interview. READ MORE: YAHOONEWS
LIZA: "I WAS SEXY"
 I can't believe Liza's TV special LIZA WITH A "Z"is being released on dvd. But then again, I've never seen it--only heard it. I bought the album 15 years ago and was dumbfounded by her version of Joe Tex's funk classic I GOTCHA. It is one of the craziest covers I've ever heard. Liza and funk mix like oil and water (as those who witnessed her insane cover of Mary J. Blige's FAMILY AFFAIR at her latest Gest-era show would attest), but the number, with it's gutsy 1970's horn stabs, is BIG. HUGE! You know it's brassy when the drags add the number to their repetoire. Lypsinka has borrowed the minutes-long intro (during which Liza must have changed costumes while her dancers Fosse-ized the stage), and Edie lipsynchs to the full song. I can't wait to see the whole, restored special! Here's an article from New York mag which gives some background on the new release. I was asked by M.A.C. cosmetics to be there for a phot-op with Miss Minelli herself, but I'm kicking myself with jazzy spazzy high kicks cuz I'm confirmed for a DIFFA benefit that same night. Terrific! Suddenly Liza On Minnelli's 60th birthday, an unearthed film reminds us what made her a star. By Liesl Schillinger New York Magazine You may think you know what bootylicious means, but after you see a young woman shimmying and shaking across a stage this month (if you cop a ticket to the benefit premiere on March 13 at the Ziegfeld) or next month (if you catch her on Showtime starting April 1), you will want to revise your definition. A rubber-limbed 26-year-old hottie in a flame-red micro-mini halter-necked dress bumps and struts, keeping time with two mustached, sideburned men in sunglasses, black shiny boots, ruffled shirts, and black cowboy hats. She punctuates her molten progress with little pelvic jounces as she sings and sometimes howls, "Come on, give it to me--waaah!" The song is Joe Tex's seventies hit "I Gotcha," and the woman is . . . Liza Minnelli, as pulsingly aglow as a neon sign, preserved and digitally remastered at her apotheosis--before three more husbands (at the time, she was separated from her first, Peter Allen, who died of AIDS in 1992), three decades, three knee surgeries, two hip replacements, various addictions, and a case of viral encephalitis had the chance to dim her current. The spectacular, humorously raunchy number is one of a dozen songs in the one-night production Liza With a "Z," which was, according to Minnelli, the first filmed concert ever broadcast on network television. "It's hipper than anything today," she says. "Fosse made things so funny-sexy." NEWYORKMETRO
MARDI WHAT?
Check out these pix from Carnaval in Rio:  BBCNEWS
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK -HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE??? AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1961. WHY DO YOU ASK?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
TRY NEW PEANUT BUTTER AYDS!
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