REPUBLICAN INTO ENGLISH TRANSLATION

From Lady Strgyn: a Republican-to-English dictionary excerpt for those who've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

Alternative energy sources = New locations to drill for gas and oil


Bankruptcy = A means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not to poor people


"Burning Bush" = A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues


Cheney, Dick = The greater of two evils


Class warfare = Any attempt to raise the minimum wage


Climate change = Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans


Compassionate conservatism = Poignant concern for the very wealthy


Creation science = Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.


DeLay, Tom = Past tense of De Lie


Faith = The belief that the Beatitudes include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."


Free markets = Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense


Girly-men = Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women


God = Senior presidential adviser


Growth = 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.

2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.


Healthy forest = No tree left behind.


Honesty = Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.")


House of Representatives = Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate.)


Insanity = See: staying the course.


Laziness = When the poor are not working


Leisure time = When the wealthy are not working


Liberal(s) = Followers of the Antichrist


No Child Left Behind = There are always jobs in the military.


Ownership society = 1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners.


Patriot Act = 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

2. The elimination of one of the reasons they hate us.


Pro-life = Valuing human life up until birth


Senate = Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million


Simplify = To cut the taxes of Republican donors


Staying the course = Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity.)


Voter fraud = A significant minority turnout


Woman = 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.

2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.