MOVIE REVIEWS

I rarely see movies. At $10.75, I normally don't think they're worth it. Miss Guy, my movie buddy, sees whatever comes out and I've often left the theater cursing her. So after seeing HACKERS with her several years ago, I tend to do a little research now. If you are doing yours, here's what I think about a few new buzzworthy releases which are actually worth $10.75.


BAREBACK MOUNTAIN

Constantly railing against out politics, I forgot how beautiful this country is. I've never been to Wyoming, but Ang Lee's sweeping shots of the landscape and the sheep were breath-takingly majestic. Perhaps it's because I've seen so few films over the last few years that the cinematic experience is still fresh, but those sweeping shots of mountains really impressed me! (Doesn't take much to please a simpleton!) But I don't think there is much denying that BROKEBACK is stunningly shot, directed, art-directed, acted and cast. Even the extras were fantastic, like the chatty blonde gal towards the end--you know, the one whose husband suggested that Jake visit him at his cabin.

Personally, I'm not keen on Westerns. Call me an old drag queen, but I like a gown or two. Saloon scenes with Miss Kitty's non-stop be-girdled and be-wigged fashion parade was the only thing that kept me going through GUNSMOKE. Or was that BIG VALLEY? But I'm not immune to the charms of hot, naked, virile males romping in the wild, and some of those sheep were SO sexy! I just love it when turds coagulate on their butt hairs. But Jake and Heath are sexy, too. I'm not too keen on blonds, but Jake with them huge blue eyes (especially in those dark blue shirts) was strikingly handsome.

So it's got the masterful cinematography and the sex appeal going. But the stately, grand life-long-love-affair pace left me a little bored at times. I got my cry on at the end, so I was absorbed in the characters and plot, I just wanted it to move a little faster. Sometimes I get jittery when I smoke crack before entering the theater. But I was fresh out of angel dust.

About the gay thing, it's been analyzed and re-analyzed. Is it accurately portraying gay relationships? Blah, blah, blah. Well, even though it was set in the past, a few things are still true today. Society doesn't make it easy to come out and express your true feelings for someone of the same sex. And gays get killed by straights. My impression was that Jake was the gayer of the two. Even though Heath fucked is wife in the butt (once), he obviously fucked her in the cunt at least twice cuz they had brats. (Where else except ladybunny.net could you get such a classy, incisive review?) Jake seemed the gayer of the two, consorting with a gigolo in Mexico as if he knew the ropes, flirting with the guy outside the restaurant while waiting on their wives, etc. I got the impression that Heath may not have sought out sex with men had he not been lonely and isolated with Jake in the woods. Two horny young guys needing to get off which blossomed into something more--hemorrhoids! (Sorry, couldn't resist!) And the conventions of society made it harder for Heath to accept his gayness so he tried to do the wife and girlfriend thing. But a friend argued that maybe Heath was too spooked by the fag he saw as a kid getting a "complimentary sex change" to even come to grips with his own faggotry. (Free sex changes? What was the name of town Heath was from again?) But against all odds, in a less forgiving time and place, they found true love. That's more than I can say for myself! So horse-hung hispanic drug dealers take note: I'm available and cheap, and I like gowns and sheep. Let's go see a movie!

Beautiful. Sexy. Masterful performances on both sides of the camera. Grand tragedy. A little slow is my only gripe. But this movie actually says something and says it very powerfully. It's like Gone With The Wind for faggots--unfortuantely without the gowns! Couldn't Heath at least gotten Jake to fashion a cute rope-belted mini out of a burlap sack and a wig made of reeds to priss around and tantalize him? It worked for me that time I was hitch-hiking on acid.


THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

The movies I usually end up seeing are kid's films. I have a darling niece and nephew who adore their Aunt Bunny's company at the cinema. Can't wait until they are out of diapers and old enough for porn! But C.S. Lewis's book was one of my childhood favorites, which I must have read 10 times the year it was published. Uh, I mean in it's 13th printing. The idea of a closet (gag!) which you went INTO--never failed to fascinate me. From the Oz series to Bewitched, I loved anything magickal, but was especially thrilled with the idea of an escape hatch which could free me from the doldrums of Chattanooga, Tennessee where I was "reared". The film totally does the fantastic book justice.

I've never seen such adorable children in my life. And the littlest, Lucy--that wide-eyed precious little ham could act her face off! Again, great acting, art direction, shot well with amazing special effects. I was mesmerized with the realistic way Aslan's fur moved in the breeze. Either this is a real milestone in special effects or I don't get out much. A real winner. and talk about gowns! That hunchback couture worn by Tilda Swinton with a massive dreadlock sculpture and a touch of clear, crystal mascara on her haughty, bony face would have delighted designer Leigh Bowery. She only threw on some arty eyeliner for battle--her war-paint, I guess.

I guess I'm so demonic that through all my reading and re-reading of the book, I never once made the connection between Aslan and Christ. But of course, I may have never read through to the resurrection scene because I do have a touch of ADD and I never finish anythi...


SYRIANA

Don't smoke a joint befor this flick. You'll never follow it's intricate plot. But I'd see it again in a heartbeat. I'm no expert, but I'd say this is cutting edge film-making. There's a newish (I'm guessing) type of shot which is heavily featured where the camera is handheld and jiggling ever so slightly. It makes the footage very dynamic and it really sucks you in to the suspense. You feel like you have to keep watching or you'll miss something. Of course, in this complicated thriller, you'll likelily miss something anyway. But it's worth a try.

Even if you can't fully digest the plot, the images on the screen paint haunting pictures of things which are actually happening today, but which are a little hard to imagine actually existing. You follow a disenfranchised Pakistani teen on a hard-knock path which leads him from discussing Spiderman on a playground to muslim extremism and on to become a suicide bomber, You get an (I'll bet) pretty accurate image of oil corruption and how it entertwines with politicians and a ruthless government who'll sacrifice it's own employees to save it's image when oil billions are at stake and it's dirty dealings are close to surfacing . In this case it's George Clooney. In real life, it's Valerie Plame, though she wasn't beaten as savagely as George is. God Bless America for giving us the freedom to show a tale which casts a fictional adminstration in such a bad light which mirrors the current administration's deep, tangled ethical quagmire.

Thrilling. Political. Heavy. Gory. Artful. Some subtitles. Not for the lovers of fluff.