BUNNY ON LUCAS ON BUNNY

Porn star, director and twisted, hilarious nut Michael Lucas and I reviewed each other's latest dvd releases for NEXT magazine. (His latest--I've only released one!) Apparently, his new flick is sexy and selling like hotcocks. I wouldn't know, because I thought I'd watch it for my review on a train to Boston. Unfortunately, the Friday rush hour train was so packed that an elderly lady took a seat next to me and I didn't feel bold enough to watch porn. Popping a valium instead, I stupidly left the dvd in the seat back pocket. So maybe the old lady got to enjoy it after all! Since I was on deadline, I fashioned this "review" from the press release and by googling the film's stars. Michael's review of my dvd, RATED X (FOR XTRA-RETARDED!), follows.


FIRE ISLAND CRUISING 7 BY LADY BUNNY
(lucasentertainment.com)

Oh, how I adore the cinema! But for this prick flick, skip the popcorn and grab the poppers to better enjoy porn director extraordinaire's latest fuck-fest FIRE ISLAND CRUISING 7. All the films in this series have been hot, but I enjoyed the seventh installment so much that I...ummm..."lost" every inch of the remote while watching it. It was so far gone that I actually forgot about it for a full two days--until I finally realized why the channels on my television changed every time I farted!

Anyhoo...if you're a fan of sizzling porn, I can't think of a sexier film to snuggle up to this winter. The legendary gay resort Fire Island makes, with it's picturesque beaches an boardwalks, makes a perfect backdrop for the enticing fantasies of Michael's XXX stars--and I'm all for fantasy, 'cuz these porn stars outshine any of the leathery old trolls and backstabbing big fish on a small island drag queens which populate "Tired Island" and it's "Weary Grove." And I'd much rather spot Chad Hunt's donkey dick poking out of a bush in the Meat Rack than Brini Maxwell's tongue, even though I'm sure that Style Channel maven Brini's bush would be much more tastefully decorated than Chad's.

And talk about hanging chad's"! If Hunt lived in Florida instead of New York, they'd still be recounting the 2000 Presidential "Election"! He's hung with the kind of horsemeat that makes queens smack their lips and clench their buttholes simultaneously--even when he's fully clothed! And though I hold the distinction of being voted Genre Magazine's Top Drag Queen, I regret to say it was an honor bestowed in error--I'm a sloppy pig bottom, so I totally appreciate the fervor with which Kent Larson worshipped Chad's monster manpole. I haven't seen action this passionate, wild and frenzied since Kevin Aviance dropped that plastic baggie at Wigstock a few years ago! And for all you Chad-aholics who still want more, there's a 30-minute bonus scene with Hunt and John Lamb included in the dvd's extras.

But let's not forget about the other actors in FIC7: Derrick Hanson and Brandon Aguilar hook up on the boardwalk and Aguilar gets bored (as in drilled) by Hanson's sizeable piece, which stays as hard as Linda Simpson's face, right through to the finish! And after seeing greedy bottom Brandon's butt transformed into a human glove in the dvd extras, I began to wonder if it was possible to trade in that pair of Isotoners I just bought for a pair of Mr. Aguilar's "oh-so-toned" cheeks! Things really get down and dirty between hunks Erik Grant and John Lamb, and hairy stud Parker Williams bends it for Beckham (Bruce Beckham, that is) in a scintillating scene so that's nastier than Flotilla Debarge's pantyhose after a night on a park bench. Andy Hunter, Adrian R. and Chad Leigh complete the Michael's comely cast (and for the record, they do all come to completion!). In the spirit of the season, Michael Lucas's FIRE ISLAND CRUISING 7 is a gift that will keep on giving...you orgasms!


O, HOLY SHIT! LADY BUNNY'S NEW DVD IS RETARDED! BY MICHAEL LUCAS

When I heard Lady Bunny's new film was titled RATED X (for Xtra-Retarded), I new it was made for me. Lady B. is a drag queen who has never hesitated when it comes to pushing the envelope, and she pushes it damn near the limit in this DVD--but beware: this bitch is downright dangerous at times! I made the mistake of trying to show the movie to a family member and they completely lost their lunch before the opening menu even had a chance to fully load. (At the very least she could have included a MAY INDUCE VOMITING warning label on the cover.) Around our office, though, it's got us pissing our pants.

(BUNNY NOTE: AND AROUND MICHAEL'S OFFICE/BROTHEL, THERE'S NORMALLY A FEE FOR URINATION!)

As a porn director, I was really surprised to find that Lady Bunny had travelled to even places I haven't gone--and I'm not just talking in terms of global destinations. Bunny reveals herself to be one kinky bitch--but instead of inspiring me to masturbate, her movie inspired me to giggle. Yeah, that's right, I giggle.

When it comes to filth, RATED X is far dirtier and much sleazier than anything I've ever produced, that's for sure.

(BUNNY NOTE: MICHAEL, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING THAT SWEET GROUP DOUCHE-SQUIRTING COMPETITION THAT'S FEATURED AS AN EXTRA ON ONE OF YOUR RECENT "RELEASES"?)

"How does American Idol Clay Aiken remove a condom?", she asks? He farts!"She's grosser than gross: nastier than nasty--basically, the bitch is a total pro. And I haven't even gotten to her musical talents...

Bunny's DVD makes those idiots on Saturday Night Live and Mad TV look like total hacks in comparison. I'll never be able to listen to classic songs in the same way since I've heard our fair Lady's versions of numbers such as DON'T LET YOUR SON GO DOWN ON ME, ALL THAT JIZZ, and THERE'S A STRANGER IN MY ASS will forever taint your memory of the originals after you hear them too.

I'm also happy to see that the diva's legendary Wigstock performances are preserved here for eternity, as well as a ton of footage likely captured long past midnight in god-forsaken drunken flophouses across the country. This DVD blessedly allows me to enjoy Bunny's routines without having to share the same air with a room full of beer farts, belches and last-call floozies.

(BUNNY NOTE: BUT SINCE I PACK AND SHIP THE D-VD'S PERSONALLY, YOU MAY STILL CATCH A WHIFF OF THE ABOVE LIST OF ODORS.)

Bunny is not just an outrageous jokester and a costuming genius,: she's a truly talented all-around performer as well. Her dancing, expressions, and hilarious vocalizations laced with Southern charm are sensational--and with this dvd, I can press play whenever I find myself longing for a Bun-Bun bon-bon. No subject is sacred and no star is safe--just the way I like it.