DELAY CLIFF NOTES

Tom Delay is not hot. He does not spin the latest circuit beats. He does not do drag. He does not appear to work out in a gym. Is he top or bottom? Definitely bottom--of the barrel. Is he well hung? Not sure, but he has a huge asshole and it's in the White House. So why would a fag possibly care about Tom?

Last night I asked my hairdresser if he's heard the scandalous news about Mr. Delay. He hadn't, and asked me if Delay was Madonna's manager. Well, if my hairdresser has to focus on one thing, I'd prefer it to be up-to-the-minute high fashion coiffures. ( I know, I know. I'll pause for a sec while you all scream in unison "I've seen your mangy wigs and you're dreaming, beeyotch!") If Delay is off of my hairdresser's gay party boy radar, so be it. Politics were completely off my radar until 9/11 so I pass no judgement and I'm not talking down to anyone. (Going down on ANYONE is more my style.) Many of you are as involved and informed as I am, if not much more so. But for those of you who don't know who Tom is, here's what's going on and why a wacky drag queen thinks you should put down the gerbil and acquaint yourself with his situation.

WHO IS HE? This from his own website: "Tom DeLay serves as majority leader, the second ranking leader in the United States House of Representatives. He is responsible for developing the issues and policies that form the Republican agenda, in conjunction with committee chairmen and the rest of the leadership."

WHAT HAPPENED? Oddly, there's no mention on his site that he's been indicted, along with two associates, on criminal charges of conspiring to violate Texas election laws. Tom's being forced to step down from his position and if convicted, he faces up to years in jail. Of course, he responds that the accusations are politically motivated and that his accuser is a partisan fanatic.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN? It exposes the republican party as the crooks that they are. Hopefully, it will knock down their house of cards and usher in an era of republican-bashing which may, if we are lucky, help elect a democrat to the White House in 2008. Tom can call it "partisan" all he wants, but there's nothing partisan about the law and he broke it! BUSTED! Or at least there's enough evidence that he broke it to force him out of his post as the country's #2 republican--please insert "#2" shit joke here. Bill Frist, another "rank" republican, is also under investigation for a Martha Stewart-style insider stock trading job. Even Delay's replacement in the House, Roy Blunt, is linked to unethical fund-raising--so they can't even find an honest, scandal-free republican as a replacement for one who is forced out by improprieties! But then again, what honest person could press the republicans' rotten agenda with a clear conscience?

But the republicans attached that rotten agenda to good old-fasioned family values and down-home religion. During the last election, right-wing preachers were urging their congregations to vote against Kerry and thereby nix "radical" policies like gay marriage and abortion from reaching fruition. (If anything, a skunk like Tom is a terrific argument FOR abortion!) If you don't know too much about politics, then you are very likely to believe someone like your preacher or your president. You want to trust someone and leave it in their hands so you don't have to figure the situation out for yourself, armed only with the lies which FOX news spouts. But if top members of your party are being forced to leave their posts and possibly going to jail, it's going to begin to register with even these conservative church ladies that "Hey, my party's leader is a crook and maybe the president is too!" Well, there's hope anyway.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR GAYS? Tom's indictment is a rare cause for rejoicing. Our enemy has been pummeled by this scandal and we haven't had many victories of late. ANY weakening of republicans is an advancement of gay rights. We've just inched a little closer to the existence of gay marriage. Anti-discrimation laws are in less danger of being overturned. The ridiculous, unsafe notion of teaching abstinence to kids may fall from favor. Simply put, Democrats traditionally care about people, republicans care about people's money. The corporate interests whose ass republicans are constantly kissing may weaken a little, which could eventually translate to AIDS medications getting a little cheaper, more affordable insurance, less outsourcing of jobs to feed corporate greed, less cutting of funding to organizations like GMHC and NYC's gay community center which all but did away with their vd screening in recent years--don't ask me how I know this one!--honey, you name it! It's a VERY good thing.

Darlin', even if you are a depraved slut who isn't concerned with what stuffy, unattractive old men are doing in Congress because you seldom rise before noon and nurse your daily hangover along with your aching behind, tonight you have something to celebrate--as if YOU need an excuse! After Katrina and Iraq have depleted government funds, these prudes still found the wherewithal to announce the renewal of the republican war against porn! You let these republicans gain an inch and they'll be shutting down the gay bars your gay ass is drinking cosmopolitans in. Or that adult bookstore where you have sex or get your dildoes and poppers. And girl, if you quit worrying about the high gas prices these repubs have ushered in then just maybe you can afford that new Prada blouse or that top-shelf cosmo you've been nervously eyeing!

Take heart Tom! Now that you've been canned and may be headed for the can, there's still time to cash in like Anna Nichole and Kirstie Alley did with their weight loss. You could become a spokesmodel for a cosmetic surgeon and have those grim, razor-thin snapping turtle lips injected with collagen before you head off to jail, where those alluring, plumper lips will definitely help get you laid! We'll see if you feel any differently about gay rights after "The Hammer" does a couple years in the slammer!